Fear of commitment is a real thing. Not everyone fears it, but most people do. The worst part is that most people don’t know they’re afraid of commitment until the opportunity — or request, rather — presents itself.
I’ve been there. I’ve been convinced that a serious, meaningful relationship is what I want and need, even when I feel like I can’t commit to it.
I’m sure plenty of you have been there before. You put in effort to convince someone to go out on a date with you. You fall in love. You spend happy months or years together, creating memories and growing together. Then, as if out of some blind spot, you realize where things are headed.
They’re headed where you thought you wanted them to head, and that scares the sh*t out of you. Who thought that getting exactly what you wished for could cause you so much confusion, sadness and pain? I didn’t understand it back then, but I get it now.
I, like most of you reading this, love ideas more than reality. I love concepts. I love the constant search for something — anything — better. I base my life and reality on one simple, gnawing question: “What if?”
What if, you wonder, this person isn’t the one? What if this is a mistake? What if you really don’t know better? What if you’re going to miss out on something perfect? Something better?
What if he isn’t enough for me?
The truth is that as soon as you ask that last question — as soon as you ask, “What if he isn’t enough?” — you’ve stumbled upon your first undeniable, unrelenting truth: You are not enough.
It’s a difficult idea to fully comprehend. We feel like we’re enough until the moment we realize what’s missing. You are alone in this world until you’re not. And the only way to not be alone is to be connected. You need to be connected to things and ideas, sure, but most importantly, you need to be connected to other people.
Not all of us are ready to make such a connection — and I’m not just talking about romantic relationship. More often than not, the people who have difficulty committing to romantic love are the ones who have a difficult time creating and maintaining other relationships. I mean, what’s the point of keeping and maintaining connections when you plan on cutting them as soon as something better comes along?
I was honestly planning to give you a list of all the signs that a guy isn’t into you. But I decided not to. I have two reasons: One is that I’ve already written plenty on the topic before. And the other is that it ultimately doesn’t matter whether or not a man is into you.
The fact is that he isn’t ready to commit. There’s absolutely nothing you can do to change a man’s mind. I know that’s the last thing you want to hear, but you need to hear it. When a guy isn’t ready to commit, nothing on earth can change his mind.
Think about it: You’d have to figure out a way to convince a man to commit to something that he doesn’t want.
You aren’t capable of convincing people that they’re wrong, and you shouldn’t even try. And that’s not because he’s not worth fighting for; it’s because you shouldn’t have to convince anyone that you’re valuable. If he doesn’t already know that — if he doesn’t already appreciate you, love you, miss you, and wish for nothing more than to be by your side — then the only thing that will ever convince him otherwise is losing you.
You could give him time, and maybe he will come around to his own senses. Maybe he’s closer to being ready than I was, and maybe holding out will get you what you want. The choice is up to you.
What I will say, however, is this: Be sure that you fully understand your own worth. There’s a reason why the best negotiation tactic in the world is walking away from the table. In this case, it’s not so much about negotiating as it is about helping him realize that you’re with him only because you choose to be. You’re dedicated to the relationship only because you want to be. And you’re around only until you choose not to be.