We learn so much during our mid to late twenties. We of course learn about ourselves, what our core values are, what we can accomplish, what we are hoping to achieve, and what we still need to work on in order to keep growing as a person. We also learn a lot about the people we surround ourselves with. The friends, family, co-workers, classmates – whoever they are and for whatever reasons – they are in our lives. We eventually learn who’s here for the long haul and who’s just here for a temporary stay. We learn who truly has our back and who doesn’t. We learn who has resentment towards us and who genuinely wants to see us succeed. We learn who we can trust and depend on, and who we would never tell our secrets to or rely on for anything. All of this learning comes with time.
Throughout this process, we sometimes, unfortunately, are forced to remove the individuals in our lives who have become toxic. But somewhere on a scale between toxicity and a healthy relationship are those people who can just never be happy for anyone (except maybe for themselves). These people are on the toxic side of the scale. You probably don’t know they even carry this quality until their true colors are (eventually) revealed. The thing about these people is: when we are expressing our happiness, or spreading joy, or we’re celebrating something GOOD in our lives, these people are unable and unwilling to share these moments with us. They will either try to sabotage that happiness, tear you down, make it all about them instead, or simply be negative and ensure you feel their negative energy. There are some who will try and force it or fake it, pretending to be happy for you, but we always know deep down when it’s disingenuous.
We often become upset or hurt that these individuals can’t just be happy for us. We try our best not to take it personally, but sometimes that feeling is unavoidable. “Why don’t they want to celebrate with me?” “This is a happy moment, I just want them to be there with me.” “I’m always proud of his/her accomplishments, why can’t they feel the same way towards me?” We often internalize this person’s behavior and begin questioning ourselves. This is doing such a disservice to ourselves. When we should be focusing on that happy moment or achievement, or celebrating, or rejoicing – we end up, instead, shifting our focus to the one person who isn’t supporting us or sharing in our joy.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to not internalize their actions, and to remember these real reasons for why those people choose to never be happy for anyone else:
1. They’re miserable with their own lives.
2. Misery LOVES company…and they can’t relate to you anymore because you aren’t miserable! All they can do now is try to deny you of your happiness or opt out of celebrating or acknowledging your success.
3. They choose to feel jealousy and envy instead of just empowering others with what they may have to offer.
4. They feel intimated and simply don’t want to acknowledge your successes or happiness because they’re unwilling or have been unable to achieve it for themselves.
5. They’re immature and don’t have a growth mindset. Their behavior is child-like and they’re set in their ways.
6. They’ve made a lot of poor choices. Instead of taking responsibility for those choices and using it as a way to grow or change themselves, they target the people who are making GOOD choices for themselves and become resentful towards them.
7. They have resentment towards you or others, particularly when it comes to other people’s achievements or celebratory moments. Worst part about this is they probably aren’t even aware that they’re being resentful, or are in complete denial about it.
8. They’re extremely selfish. They only see things their way and will never try to see anyone else’s side of things.
9. They may be narcissistic, since most narcissists are so self-absorbed they have a difficult time letting others be in the spotlight. Narcissists also make everything about them and often put down those around them.
10. They simply SUCK as a human being and need some serious self-reflection and re-evaluating.
11. They have low self-esteem (which is also why they’d rather put others down and be resentful over treating others with compassion and respect).
12. They love starting drama or gossiping negatively about others.
13. Something was missing from their upbringing – whether it be that healthy, stable environment, or having a best friend, or having any friends. They were never shown how to and never really needed to be happy for anyone else. They carried this with them through adulthood.
Here is what you can do to combat these types of individuals and to not take it too personally when you sense they’re hating on you and your joy:
1. Remember to keep living your life. Let them be stuck and unwilling to change, they’re only hurting themselves in the long run.
2. Just do you. Keep being proud of yourself and your accomplishments, keep celebrating the joy. You deserve it. Those who truly care about you will be right by your side for all the happy moments.
3. Recognize who IS happy and who IS always there for you, stop focusing on who ISN’T.
4. You can’t control people, so stop trying. Focus on what you CAN control. I know in some cases this is easier said than done, but once you learn to let go, you’ll start to realize the (harsh) truth – that no matter how much you may love and care about someone, and how much you just want to share your happiness with them, they may never want to, or feel the need to, reciprocate that love and joy back to you. It’s sincerely not YOU, it’s them. It’s an internal issue they need to work on.
5. Most importantly, It’s YOUR life. Don’t let anyone dull your shine or break your happiness.