Over the last few weeks, I’ve gone through more emotions and feelings than I ever thought possible, and I’ve felt more confused than ever. Typing this as I sit at a café that we’d been to and shared memories at is making this so much harder. I’m not sure what you’ll think of this when or if you read it; I don’t know what I’m hoping to gain by this with writing all of this down. I suppose it would bring me some sort of peace to know I said everything I needed to, whether you read it or not.
I want you to know that I understand what you must be going through. It must be so difficult to be contemplating your entire life and wondering why in the hell it’s so hard for your dreams to come true when you’ve worked tirelessly. I have to say, there is nothing that has hurt me more than seeing someone I love turn into someone that I barely recognize. You have worked so hard for a good portion of your adult life to understand yourself, your emotions, and your life’s purpose. I don’t want to see you lose the progress you’ve made over the years.
When I met you, I had never met anyone with such a spark in their soul and such an affinity for helping themselves and motivating others to do the same. We would converse about religion, travel, our past, and our expectations for the future and bonded over how we’d never met anyone like each other before. Whether you believe me or not, I felt you were someone I could learn to trust, someone I knew would always have my back no matter what. I met a guy who wholeheartedly believed in therapy, in religion, in purpose, in achieving goals, in finding a partnership and not just a relationship, in friendship, in having fun, and in trust.
I don’t know what happened to that spark in you, but I pray you find it again. I hope you find your happiness again. I don’t think I will ever not miss you. I know life must continue even when you’re not a part of it, but I hope you know that I’ll always be thinking of you. One of the riskiest things we do as humans is love people without the knowledge that the person will ever love you back the same way or if they will leave one day. I took a risk in falling for you, and I don’t regret it, but I wish it had ended better.
My wish for you is that you find happiness, that your dreams come true, and that you fall in love again. Not the love you think you are meant to settle for, but the love you believed in when you met me. The love that makes you want to wake up early on a Sunday morning and make chocolate chip pancakes. The love that makes you feel like you’re finally home. Trust me when I say that reaching success and your dreams will make you so happy, but eventually you will wish you had someone to share those dreams with and make new ones with. I hope you find the courage to open your heart like you were starting to with me. Always know that no matter who gave up on you before, I never did. And I will always remind you of who you are, even if we go years without speaking or seeing one another. You are not the person you’ve been showing me or anyone else these last few months.
Sometimes our soulmates are not our partners, and they are not always who we are meant to spend the rest of our lives with. Sometimes soulmates are simply friends. And that’s what I hope to gain from all of this mess. I don’t believe the universe brought us together just to become strangers again. These connections don’t just happen — they have purpose. And I hope we’ll be able to find the purpose in it soon. For now, I will join you in silence and wish you well.