1. I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. “Get out of the car, get out of the fucking car! You stole this car!” I was like, “Damn, maybe I did!”
2. Alcohol: Tastes great, I love it, you love it, we all love it. Kills motherfuckers every single day…Cigarette’s the most dangerous product known to man. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Cigarette’s so dangerous it kills motherfuckers that don’t smoke. That’s how dangerous cigarettes are…People talking out of their necks into a fucking machine like, “Hey, what’s up, man, I love cigarettes, this shit is cool.” But it’s alright ’cause it’s all white. Shit, could you imagine if the Philip Morris family was a bunch of jheri-curled niggas from Mississippi? Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be? You would get sixty years just for a pack of Newports.
3. You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you’re at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems.
4. We can’t have gay marriage ’cause marriage is sacred, it happens in the church. Marriage is sacred, it’s sacred. No, it’s not, not in America, not in a country that watches Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire? and The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and Who Wants to Marry a Midget. Get the fuck outta here. Shit, Michael Jackson got married, how fucking sacred is that shit?
5. A black C student can’t do shit with his life. A black C student can’t be a manager at Burger King. Meanwhile, a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.
6. You know what they say, “There’s no reason to ever hit a woman.” Shit! There’s a reason to hit everybody. You just don’t do it. Shit, there’s a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don’t do it. Ain’t nobody above an ass-whooping.
7. You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named “Bush,” “Dick” and “Colin.” Need I say more?
8. I will give you an example of how race affects my life. I live in a place called Alpine, New Jersey. Live in Alpine, New Jersey, right? My house costs millions of dollars…In my neighborhood, there are four black people. Hundreds of houses, four black people. Who are these black people? Well, there’s me, Mary J. Blige, Jay-Z and Eddie Murphy. Only black people in the whole neighborhood. So let’s break it down…Mary J. Blige, one of the greatest R&B singers to ever walk the Earth. Jay-Z, one of the greatest rappers to ever live. Eddie Murphy, one of the funniest actors to ever, ever do it. Do you know what the white man who lives next door to me does for a living? He’s a fucking dentist. He ain’t the best dentist in the world. He ain’t going to the dental hall of fame. He don’t get plaques for getting rid of plaque. He’s just a yank-your-tooth-out dentist. See, the black man gotta fly to get to something the white man can walk to.
9. Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
10. Everybody’s so busy wanting to be down with the gang. “I’m conservative,” “I’m liberal,” “I’m conservative.” Bullshit. Be a fucking person. Lis-ten. Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, okay? I’ve got some shit I’m conservative about, I’ve got some shit I’m liberal about. Crime, I’m conservative. Prostitution, I’m liberal.
11. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
12. I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.
13. Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can’t get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act, sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.
14. We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a fucking lactose intolerance?
15. They don’t want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn’t vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.
16. You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.
17. A platonic friend for a woman is like a dick in a glass case: “In case of emergency break open glass.”
18. If drugs were legalized, there would be a drug spot in every corner. It wouldn’t be a Starbucks. It’d be Weedbucks. McDonald’s? McCokeald’s. Krispy Kreme? Kracky Kreme. Krispy Kreme Donuts are so good, if I told you it had crack in it, you would be like, “I knew it was something in there. These donuts are too good. Got me going there at 4 o’clock in the morning going, “Come on, man, open up. Let me have at least one donut. I’ll do anything. I’ll suck your dick!” That should be the new slogan. Krispy Kreme: So good, you’ll suck a dick.
19. America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.
20. People are starving all over the world. What do you mean, “Red meat will kill you”? Don’t eat no red meat? No, don’t eat no green meat. If you lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it.
21. Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you’re up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.
22. The thing about Red Lobster is that if you work there, you can’t afford to eat there. You’re making minimum wage. A shrimp costs minimum wage. I cleaned up after the kids. Kids don’t eat. I used to zero in on a kid. “Don’t touch that scallop. Please don’t touch that scallop.”
23. You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.
24. Does having a wife and kids change your life? Yes, but only in the best way. It gives you weight and authority. It also makes you closer to the audience because the audience is married and has kids. People without kids know nothing about kids. Jokes about your kids are always better than jokes about your brother’s kids. Married guys know more about women than single guys. Single guys have girlfriends. Girlfriends are always auditioning, always on their best behavior. Wives are like Supreme Court justices. They do whatever the fuck they want.
25. Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain’t gonna be at the perfect time. You’re married, they’re single. That’s right. You’re Jewish, they’re Palestinian. You’re a Mexican, they’re a raccoon. You’re a black woman, he’s a black man.
26. I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.
27. I don’t think I should get a job over a white person if I scored a lower mark on the test but if there’s a tie, fuck them. You have 400 years head start motherfucker.
28. You don’t need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost $5000. $5000 for a bullet. You know why? ‘Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there’d be no more innocent bystanders.Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, “Damn, he must have did something. He put $50,000 worth of bullets in his ass!” Niggas will say “I would blow your fucking head off…if I could afford it. I’m gonna get me another job, I’m gonna start saving some money, and then you’re dead man. You better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway!
29. Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn’t even the star of his own Halloween special.
30. At least they’re trying to get rid of AIDS. Some diseases they just gave up on. Some diseases, if you get them, you’re on your own. They ain’t going to have no telethon for you. R Kelly ain’t singing no song. You just got this shit.
31. Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know?