Giving up on people just isn’t my style. And although you gave up on me not so long ago, I will never give up on you.
You’re probably wondering why. Why would I, of all people, take the time to write to you if it wasn’t to hate on you? Because after someone has gone through what I have, there is no room in your heart left to hate. I experienced so much hate on the receiving end, that I vowed long ago never to dish it out the same way it was given to me.
And as much as I’m not here to make you feel bad, I am also not going to sugar coat what you put me through or who I am now because of it. So here is the truth. The brutal, honest truth.
It hurt. It hurt more than words will ever be able to describe. And it hurt even more, because I warned you. I gave you a way out. Before you got in too deep, I told you it was going to get too deep. I told you I had been hurt before. I let you know that other people had said the same thing, and I was too much, so they went back on their word and they left. And you told me the same lie I had heard a million times before, you said “I’m not like other people.” You crossed your heart and told me “I’m not going anywhere.” And yet, you did. And there I was, alone. AGAIN. And for some reason, I believed you. I let you in, I trusted you. I let my guard down, for the chance to feel truly loved. And you took that chance with a grain of salt. You took the love I deserved, and you threw it all away.
I’m not going to lie. I was angry at first. I was bitter. For a while, for a long time actually. But pain changes you. And after you’ve felt so much pain, you go from angrily wishing it upon others, to deeply wishing no one, not even your worst enemy, would ever feel the same pain.
When you first left, I felt a multitude of emotions and was overcome with an abundance of contradicting thoughts. I felt angry, and yet sad. I felt relief, and yet extreme anxiety. I thought to myself “your loss” and yet I also thought “I don’t blame you.” And then as time passed, circumstances changed, and so did I. But now, now those feelings and thoughts are just a flickering memory of who I used to be.
I’m different now. I’m getting better. I’m healing. And I’m more me, than ever. And I could sit here and ramble on and on about how you should have waited it out, you should have believed in me, and you shouldn’t have given up. I could. But I won’t. Because how can I blame you for not believing there was hope for me, when I didn’t even believe myself that could be? How could I hate you for not loving that broken little girl, when even she didn’t love her? Why would I bash someone for leaving, when had I been given the opportunity, I would have been the first to run?
And that, that is why I’m not angry, or bitter, or sad. Because those emotions are that of a person that hasn’t healed. And if I showed you those, then wouldn’t I ultimately be showing myself that I haven’t really become someone new at all?
I am happy. Really, really, happy. For the first time in my life. And when you feel the happiness that I now feel, after once living in complete darkness and isolation, there is no value in using your time to spread anything other than joy.
Here is the thing, we were both incredibly broken and hurting humans. And it was unfair for me to expect you to treat me with a kind of love, patience, and understanding that was superhuman. As was it also unfair for you to love me and then leave me as if it were all a lie. And maybe it was a lie, maybe you never loved me, maybe you never even wanted to try to love me.
But after the time I spent alone, and the time I spent healing and rebuilding myself as a home—I am left with one belief stronger than all. And that is this: I believe that despite all odds that say otherwise, that people are inherently good. I believe that YOU are inherently good. And because of your inherently goodness, I know that you did not promise a love that you knew would be a lie. I know that you loved me in the most pure and human form. You loved me the best way you knew how. And sometimes, we have to love each other from a far. I believe that’s what you did for me. Instead of believing like I once did, that you did something horrible to me. I believe you did the best you knew how, for me. And because I know all of this I want you to know that the inherently good in me, wants the absolute best, for the inherently good in you.