I never thought I’d miss it – the late nights and early mornings, the drunk texts, your dirty sheets at 4 AM. And yeah, you were just someone who filled me up on the empty nights, and yeah, I was just a girl with a body, but there’s this kind of hollow aching thinking about the way your skin would dissolve on my tongue, how you tasted like tangerines even when you were rough. No, I never thought I’d miss it, but I’m running under the city lights with this kind of hope I’ll run into you in some crowd.
I know you’re danger, but I want to come across you again. I want to flirt with your sharp edges. I want to get so close you make me bleed. I’m hungry and it’s a hunger only you can fill. It’s an appetite for something only you can feed.
I’m thinking about your bottom lip, about how tender it felt between my teeth. I’m thinking about your mouth, about how it stopped my world, how it got me high, how I never wanted to come down. I’m thinking about your hands, how it’s been so long since someone used a pair on me the way you do, how they’re skilled in reducing me to nothing but trembles and moans. I guess I’m thinking about you.
I know there’s nothing good about you, nothing you can offer me that I deserve, nothing you want to give me that isn’t attached to your body. I know you’re not a good guy. I know you only liked me because I disregarded you, because I knew exactly who you were, because I was openly mean to you. I don’t think you would have tried if I would have appeased to you, if I would given in, even the slightest, emotionally. I know you won’t give me nothing more than you’ve already given me. I know I won’t reach or touch more than your skin. I know that you won’t look for more in me than what you search for in the dark, but still, I want whatever you have to give. I’ll take it. I know you’re probably no good for me but I want back into your bed, I want back beneath your sheets.
I want you to text me. I want to show up at your door again. I want to do so wearing nothing beneath my dress. I want to grab your hand to show you there’s nothing there, only to let go of it. I want to make you watch how I get myself high when I think of you and you’re not around. I want you to beg to help get me there. I want to tell you kiss me right here and right now. I want to flip my hair back and expose an open neck. You know I like the things your mouth and hands to do it. My throat is open for you, you know. Show me all of your teeth, let me feel your curling open fist. It’s okay if you want to make me see stars; it’s okay if you want to tear into me.
It’s been so long since my body has felt alive. I thought about you last time I kissed someone else. There’s been nights I’ve wished you there, nights I’ve rubbed up sleepless against the sheets thinking about what would happen if you were tangled limb to limb with me beneath them. I’ve had dreams, I’ve whispered your one syllable name in that boundary between slumber and consciousness. I’ve seen your face when I’ve closed my eyes and touched myself.
I know it will be good again for a while; it always was between us. I know in the end it may or may not end up being dangerous for me. I don’t know where this thing between us will lead. But that’s just the thing about us – we’re nothing at all. I know there’s nothing that has started, that there has been nothing to end, but I do know whatever we had, I want to go back – I don’t want to stop.
I guess there’s some energy, some sort of attraction, something resembling an addiction. Maybe right now me missing you is just me going through withdrawals. You may not be not be good for me, but I don’t care. Right now, I’ll take what you have to give. Right now, I’ll take that risk.
Right now I just want your mouth on mine. Right now I just want that faint taste of tangerines from your skin. Right now I just want the warmth of your body against mine in the dark. Right now I just want your dirty sheets at 4 AM. Right now I just want my phone to light up and I want it to be your name on the screen. Right now I want you on any kind of night – empty or not. Right now I want to make myself pretty, not out of hope, but because you’re expecting me at your house. Right now I just want to forget my world for a few hours. You may not be good for me, but you’re not exactly bad for me either. You know how to leave me breathless, and I could go without air for a little while.