I am 32½ and I am not concerned with getting married. Like not even a little bit. In fact, I’ve actually tried to trick my brain into wanting to get married, for the sake of functioning like a “normal” woman in society, and I still have to take a Xanax every time I envision myself saying “I do” with a large crowd of people just staring at the side of my face. Even when this forced marriage fantasy includes Gerard Butler as my pseudo husband. Even when he’s wearing no shirt.
The problem here seems to lie in the fact that everyone else wants to see me get married. As a perfectly happy girl in her early 30s with no husband, I’m starting to feel the collective panic of everyone around me. And it fucking sucks.
When I tell people I’m not married, I often get responses like: “Oh, don’t worry, you’ll find someone” (friendly acquaintance), or “How’s a pretty girl like you unattached?” (older coworker), or “It’s okay, my friend so-and-so met her husband at 36! Can you imagine that?” (overly peppy and smug married woman who secretly resents her lazy-ass husband’s lack of involvement in raising their three bratty toddlers). Without fail, pretty much everyone I know assumes that my lack of spouse must be the direct result of a failure on my part to attract one.
Well, guess-the-fuck-what, homies? It’s not.
The truth is, I meet men all the time. Pretty much constantly. I’m no Jessica Biel or anything, but for a grown-ass girl who takes generally good care of herself, it sometimes amazes me how many attractive and perfectly-dateable bros still approach me while I’m unassumingly knocking back a cocktail and/or flaunting a crop-top on any given Saturday night. Whenever other single women complain to me about the lack of single dudes around, my first thought is always “Um, have you tried leaving your house?” (Btw, usually the answer is no. They’re just bitching and swiping through Bumble.)
In actuality, my lack of a shiny rock on my finger is 100% due to my lack of interest in finding one. While I realize that the race across the marital threshold appeals to most other women my age, I am honestly not feelin’ it. In my mind, marriage is something that should either happen completely naturally or not at all. As in, either you meet a person one day who is so incredible and inspiring to you that your marital fears just naturally melt away, or you don’t. And if you don’t, there are literally a fuckload of great guys out there who will be more than willing to entertain you romantically throughout your sustained singledom. No “Why not me” or “Omg I’m getting too old” anxiety required along the way. It’s as simple as that.
Unfortunately for yours truly, not everyone agrees with me. Even my closest best friends, as well-meaning as they may be, often unintentionally push the idea that, as that a single 30-something, I should be focused on marriage. All too often, I hear suggestions like “Well, I mean, why haven’t you tried dating a guy who actually wants to get married?” while I’m simply trying to enjoy a French 75 during the course of an average girls’ night.
It’s not their fault. They all want what’s best for me. And because of the way society conditions us to seek out prince charming from the age of 5, they assume that what’s best for me simply must include meeting my “soulmate” and riding off into the sunset. For an evolved society, we sure do collectively try hard as fuck to tie an independent bitch down.
Don’t get me wrong — I don’t hate men. I love men. In fact, I’ve been a pretty big fan of the opposite sex since a brown-eyed boy named Zachary told me that he liked my dress and asked if I wanted to hold hands at recess in the first grade. I think that romance is fantastic, and that love is one of the most magical gifts that we are given during our short time here on earth. I just don’t think that all romances need to lead to rings, or that all great loves must culminate in a terribly expensive reception in which the DJ looks away uncomfortably while your drunken Aunt Milly sways her hips awkwardly to the begrudging beat of the Macarena.
I would rather love someone fiercely, ferociously, and with my whole heart for a short amount of time and have it end in a romantic crash and burn if the alternative is to slog my way through 40 years of drudgery in which we both end up resenting each other’s forced presence bound by a legal certificate. It’s always fun to take a joyride on the souped-up motorcycle that is a romantic relationship until you turn too sharply, skid into the dirt and then fall the fuck off a cliff.
And with that lengthy yet incredibly therapeutic explanation, my friends, I give you: 29 fantastic answers to the question “Why Are You Still Single?” Why 29 instead of 30? Well, because I’m drinking vodka right now and I’m fresh the fuck out of wit.
These answers are funny responses that I’ve made up in my head; the things I normally think but do not say. Most of the time. Feel free, if you are a single 30-something and currently feeling the burn of others’ expectations like I am, to repeat any or all of these responses when you find yourself staring down that uncomfortable (and actually rude as fuck) question from friends, loved ones and nosey-ass strangers: “Why Are You Still Single?”
Also, if you happen to be the type of person who takes humorous articles too seriously and therefore wants to write an inane comment below calling me a “jaded bitch” or “sarcastic slut” to make yourself feel better about your own lack of wit and/or crumbling marriage, please immediately just go fuck yourself instead.
So here they are, my friends! 29 fantastic answers to the question “Why Are You Still Single?”
For the uppity bitches in the room, I would like to add the preemptive disclosure that this list is for entertainment purposes only, and I am in no way advocating violence, adultery or that a man is replaceable with a dildo. In other words, calm the fuck down.
1. Why are you still single?
I just entered my name into an Energizer contest and won a lifetime supply of batteries! Who needs a husband?
2. Why are you still single?
I secretly have three tits. It’s just too much of a good thing.
3. Why are you still single?
My vagina swallows every penis that tries to enter it. I call it my pencil sharpener pussy.
4. Why are you still single?
All of my boyfriends are already married, silly!
5. Why are you still single?
Mostly so that I can have more fun at other people’s weddings. Have you ever fucked a divorced groomsmen in the coat closet of a reception after he spent that last hour swaying back and forth and yelling “50 Cent!” at the DJ? Why on earth would I want to give that up?
6. Why are you still single?
I’m just waiting for him to divorce you, sweetheart.
(This one only works if you look over your assailant’s shoulder at her beaten-down hubby and wink after you say it.)
7. Why are you still single?
I had an affair with Gerard Butler. It fucking ruined me for other men.
8. Why are you still single?
I don’t know! I propose to every boy I meet on the first date but none of them have said “yes” yet.
9. Why are you still single?
I’m holding out for Johnny Depp. Oh wait, he did what? Fuck. Never mind.
10. Why are you still single?
Because I can squish spiders and change light bulbs all by myself!
11. Why are you still single?
I’m allergic to diamonds. And also cock.
(If you’re an introvert, or just consider yourself a refined lady, feel free to replace the word “cock” with “wieners.”)
12. Why are you still single?
I’m holding out for a man who can make his penis vibrate. Do you know anyone?
13. Why are you still single?
Because love *dramatic pause* is a battlefield.
14. Why are you still single?
Because my bed only has enough room for me and my 17 cats.
15. Why are you still single?
Eh, mostly so I can slut around. What about you? Do you ever fantasize about seeing other dudes naked? Don’t you fucking lie to me Felicia.
16. Why are you still single?
I don’t know but between you and me I’m starting to get a little desperate. Is your brother available? How about your dad?
17. Why are you still single?
Because I watched He Knows You’re Alone when I was a kid and I’ve been terrified of bride killers ever since. Kind of like the original It with clowns.
18. Why are you still single?
Well, I had a husband once, but he pissed me off. Ain’t nobody seen that motherfucker since.
(This one is most effective if you look them straight in the eyes and snarl a little.)
19. Why are you still single?
Fuck off, Grandma.
(This one is only appropriate if your grandmother is hard of hearing.)
20. Why are you still single?
Because I much prefer temporary sex partners to a slow, mutually unsatisfying and agonizing death.
21. Why are you still single?
Well, why are you married? Huh, bitch? Why?
22. Why are you still single?
I tried to follow this DIY project on Pinterest once and I accidentally sat on a tube of super glue. The ol’ hoo-ha has been sealed up tight ever since.
23. Why are you still single?
Halloween night. Edward Scissorhands costume. Handjob fail. Word got around.
24. Why are you still single?
Because every guy I date tries to choke me when we get naked. Have you heard of this choking thing? It’s scary AF.
25. Why are you still single?
Stop trying to even out the number at your dinner parties, Stephanie. It’s not going to fucking happen. Just set the goddamn table for 7, okay?
26. Why are you still single?
I prefer to have my screaming matches in IKEA with random strangers, thanks.
27. Why are you still single?
Because I’m still not getting crow’s feet like most women my age. Oh but not you. I totally didn’t mean you.
28. Why are you still single?
So you agree, you think you’re really pretty?
29. Why are you still single?
I mean, have you tried getting divorced, though? It’s the best.