In life we create certain ties with certain people in certain times, certain places but sometimes these certain ties need to be broken or ended. Detachment isn’t an easy process. Detachment isn’t as good as it looks. It can be messy, can dry up all the patience you have. Detachment takes time and effort. Detachment takes twice as much hard work as attachment. In detachment you forgive, forget, let go, move on, you lose and win.
In detachment, you will find yourself and maybe you’ll lose them instead. But detachment is healthy especially when detaching from toxic people. Detachment can help you as long as you help yourself.
1. Find the reason for detachment and the person/ thing of attachment.
Ask yourself why. Ask yourself why now. Ask yourself what. Ask yourself how. Ask yourself when. It’s hard to do something without a concrete reason why you’re doing it in the first place. Establish a strong reason that you can depend on as you go deeper into the road of detachment. This reason must be enough to make you decide to detach fully, and that reason will help you through every day that you are slowly detaching yourself.
It should be progressive. A one- time big time reason won’t last and so would you. This reason should make you find yourself even during the times that all hope is lost. The reason for detachment usually is connected directly to the person/ thing of attachment. Find the root cause and start looking at how it affects you, the people around you. Look around you, look at yourself. Detach yourself when you know you’re losing it.
You need to let it out. It would greatly help if you released feelings. The longer you keep it in, the harder it will get. We can only keep so much of our feelings and thoughts to ourselves that when the time comes, we might just blow up. Yes, there are certain things and feelings better left unsaid or unexpressed but it’s better to release the toxic ones. Cry it all out, shout, sing or do whatever you like. Write it down and just throw it away after. I believe that we can only cry a certain amount of tears for a person and once it’s used up you might feel like there’s no other way to let it out.
There are a million of ways to express yourself and to release feelings. But better keep it as harmless as possible. Release a certain amount of feelings each day, or you could just release it all at once, it’s up to you. In detachment, what will make you feel comfortable and calm is important. This is about you and your feelings, no one should be judged for feeling. Feeling is what makes us human.
3. Start little by little.
Start small and you’ll end up with something big. We all started from something small, it takes time to develop. In detachment, you shouldn’t shock yourself. Start small then try harder as each day passes by. It’s not easy, but slowly you’ll get the hang of it. Start from deleting messages but if you can’t, start with what you can. You’re the only one who can know what you can and can’t let go of.
There are certain things you can’t let go of or detach from at the start but slowly you will slowly learn and realize that it’s time to stop holding on to it. Don’t tire yourself and don’t push yourself too hard because once you do you might lose the reason/s why you’re detaching and you’ll have to start again from scratch.
4. Seek and look forward.
Seek for help. Seek for a new beginning. Seek for something new. You need something to look forward to. This will motivate you to go on with every day while detaching. If you’re slowly letting go you may need something new to hold on to. Hold on to a better future. Stop dwelling on a painful yesterday and start looking forward to a happier tomorrow. Let go of a bittersweet past and hold on to a sweeter tomorrow. Stop thinking about a sad goodbye and start seeking a brighter hello. Seek for something exciting.
Imagine how happier you will be. Imagine how brighter your smile will be. Imagine a better you. And let these imaginations and expectations fuel your will to detach. Certainly there will be times that you would want to give up, but if you keep positive thoughts on the outcome you’ll really be satisfied with the outcome.
5. No shortcuts and detours.
Detachment takes time and tons of patience. You should be aware of this since the very start. Detachment isn’t easy and it’s a long journey. There are no shortcuts and detours. There is no easy way out of attachment. It takes twice as much effort. You’ll be digging deep to where it started and I know it’s difficult especially when it’s painful. But what’s more painful is holding on to nothing or reaching out to someone slowly fading. You owe it to yourself, this long journey of detachment, this long journey of finding yourself.
6. Think forward. No looking back.
You cannot look back. The past is crucial in the process of detachment; it can be this black hole that will sink you in deep. It can be this trap that can lure you in and slowly kill you. Looking back will only give you reasons to give up. Looking back distracts you from the present and the future. Looking back can help if you let it help you but sometimes too much looking back won’t help you get any further than where you are.
Don’t look back as much as you can, the past can show you the happiest moments but it also holds your deepest secrets and fear. The past holds the nightmares of pain and pessimism; it also holds the daydreams of hope and joy. If you’re willing to give up your future for the past, it’s up to you. Think forward. Think about the things bound to happen. Think about new and better attachments. Think about a better and happier you.
Forgiveness is another crucial part in detachment. Pride can take over anytime. But don’t let pride win. Pride can make you do things you’ll regret, pride will make you say words that can leave wounds deeper than any blade can ever do. Forgive them and forgive yourself. This will help you have peace of mind. And wouldn’t it be calming to think that nothing else is holding you back from moving on, from detaching yourself from the things that aren’t good for you. Forgive. One word, 6 letters, and a lifetime worth of work, forgiveness takes time. Also does detachment, but wouldn’t it be easier to hit two birds with one stone? With detachment you can, forgive, accept, find yourself, move on and look forward altogether. Forgive yourself as you forgive them.
Wounds take time to heal. Maybe this can be one of the reasons you’re detaching, you need time to heal. In life some attachments can bring us smiles but sometimes also wounds. Sometimes those wounds are too deep and too many that we can’t bear to heal them all. And the only way to heal is to detach. Once you feel that you are in a relationship that gives you more scars than smiles, rethink it. Is it really worth hurting for? Maybe you love them but shouldn’t you love yourself too? You can’t keep breaking or tearing yourself apart to make others feel whole. You shouldn’t always take one for the team. Take your time and heal. Don’t do it for others do it for you.
9. Be grateful.
Be grateful for the pain and sorrow. Be grateful for the joy and hope. Be grateful for the memories. Be grateful for the smiles and scars, the wounds and tears. Be grateful for realizing the reason why you’re detaching. There are so much other things, and many other people that you can be grateful for. Detachment is a learning process and journey. Every day is a constant reminder of how happier you are without the toxic people/ things in your life. Every day is a reason to look at the brighter side.
Be grateful for detachment can give you a new chance to make better attachments to the people far more deserving. Be grateful because you are given a chance to look for yourself. You are given a chance to find your self-worth. This can be a chance to see yourself as someone worth loving, someone worth fighting for. Be grateful. Say thank you to everyone especially yourself.
10. Move Forward.
You’ve come to the last part or the last leg of your journey. Weeks, months, or even years of detaching yourself has come to this. It’s time for you to move forward and don’t look back. This is your time to live happier ever after. This is a new beginning for you even it came at an expense of a messy goodbye. But in the end it is still worth it right? You’ve come to your senses. You’ve come to realize where you really stand, what you are, what you can do and what will make you happy. You’ve conquered hours, days, weeks of missing people, of longing for their presence and longing of contentment.
You’ve surpassed different obstacles, times when you just question yourself, nights when all you can do is overthink. This is it. It’s time for you to step into a brighter light. It’s time for you to continue loving yourself as you love the ones that truly matter. It’s time for you to shine even after the darkest of your days. It’s time to flaunt your battle scars and face the world with all smiles. You’ve come to this and it’s all worth it. Move forward, think forward. Take one step at a time.
Circumstances in our life don’t come with a manual or instructions, we make it ourselves. Problems always go first before the solution. Life is this continuous cycle of trial and error, as we try to find the perfect solution to our problems. Problems won’t always take only 10 ways to solve; sometimes it would feel like there would be no way out. But we will always find a way. Life happens. Life teaches. Life was meant to be lived. Life loves. Life is for you.