Relationships are great because you have a partner in crime, regular sex, and the thrill of being in love. But those things are nothing compared to the real reason being someone’s someone is the shit: You get to be totally gross and totally weird pretty much whenever.
When you just start dating, you spend hours primping before you see each other and have polite conversations. When you’re in the thick of a serious relationship, you can be like, “Hey, I watched Wayne’s World three times this week and yes, that’s period blood on my sweatpants.”
If you’ve been with someone for a hot minute and you’re still keeping everything above board, you’re doing it wrong. I’m not saying you should turn into a swamp monster, but it’s important that you guys are comfortable enough to get at least a little weird.
I guess what I’m saying can be encompassed by a Seal lyric, “We’re never going to survive unless we get a little crazy.”
Did you know that’s Alanis Morissette’s favorite song, by the way? Just a fun fact.
Anyway, here’s some weird shit you can/should be doing with your love…
PERSONAL NARRATIVES FOR YOUR PETS
If you don’t talk about your dog or cat like s/he has a full-time job, an illustrious history of breaking laws or a first responder, you’re doing it wrong.
Before I met my boyfriend, I’d often daydream that my Chihuahua, Wagandstuff, is a lawyer who moved to America from France, where he pranced around the countryside in knee socks and a cap.
But since we’ve watched A Time to Kill, we’ve decided that Wags was on the jury in the case of a black man who murdered the men who raped and killed his young daughter. The movie’s set in Canton, Mississippi and the general vibe is that Canton was not a chill place to be a black man on trial for murder. Matthew McConaughey saves the day by describing to the jury the brutal details of the rape and murder of this young girl. It’s emotional and disturbing and totally heartbreaking but he knows that’s not enough to get the jury to let a black man free, so he ends his speech with this killer line, “Now imagine she was white.”
Everyone on the jury is super ashamed of their racism and the verdict comes back as not guilty.
Well, we regularly ask Wags now what it was like when he had to “imagine she was white” and it’s completely stupid but also the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. It’s a dumb joke, but it brings the three of us closer together every time we mention it.
So, you know, get creative. Watch some 90s dramas and run with it.
I’m not talking about the kind of butt stuff you’re probably thinking of, but you probably should be doing that too.
What I’m talking about is taking every opportunity you get to swipe an iTunes gift card over the ass of your significant other’s jeans. I’m talking about sticking your foot out on the couch just as your girlfriend’s about to sit down so that, for a brief moment, your foot is in her behind and she jumps up like, “What the fuck?”
I’m talking about slapping your boyfriend’s butt when he’s looking in the freezer and least expecting it and never letting an opportunity to grab it in public when no one’s looking pass.
I also am I big believer in “up your butt” being the answer to almost any question that you’re ever asked. Where’s the remote? Probably up your butt. Have you seen my keys? Yeah, up your butt. What happened to the rest of the wine? Babe, it’s up your butt.
PICKING AND TWEEZING
Sorry, there’s nothing more satisfying than being able to pop someone’s zits. And your platonic friends are no good for that shit. You can’t ask one of your homegirls to put her head in your lap so you can Tweeze a hair you’ve spotted in an inappropriate place.
I would argue that the sole reason for a long-term relationship is that you always have someone to answer, “Hey, is that a pimple on my back or a mole?”
UGLY DANCING AND SINGING
Most of us can’t dance or sing for shit and because of that, we often hold back on our impulse to sing along to oldies as loud as possible or dance to records in your living room.
But when someone loves you, they’ve probably seen you fully naked and swallowed a fair amount of your spit, so why the fuck wouldn’t you belt out a pop song you barely know the lyrics to? Why wouldn’t you unleash “dance moves”?
Basically, you can dance naked for hours in your room like you did when you were single, except someone’s there to watch and you’re totally cool with it.
DISGUSTING EATING HABITS
Go ahead, admit that you like bacon on your pizza and dip Fritos in cream cheese. Knock out a box of Bagel Bites like nobody’s watching. Drink an entire six pack of root beer without even thinking about it because the person you’re with totally doesn’t care.
I’m not saying you should become morbidly obese, but when you really love someone, you can watch them down an entire cheeseburger sub and still think they’re the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. Quit ordering light, get three appetizers AND the pulled pork. You’re safe here.