13 Signs You’re The Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

1. He’s changed his phone number

You called day after day, night after night. It started to become a joke between him and his friends. They’d take him out for the night and demand he leave his phone home which would only drive you more crazy. You became desperate for phone attention from him—it was all you had left. And he felt guilty for ending things so for a long time, he’d oblige. Until he started seeing someone else and he cancelled his Verizon plan all together. You’re not even sure what phone carrier he’s using these days. You assume AT&T, but they barely get service in his building. It’s a weird thing.

2. He moved on quickly

He started dating someone so soon after you broke up that it’s obvious this is why he broke up with you. You feel embarrassed, like you were living in some sort of crazy world where everything was perfect and he was out meeting someone else on a completely different page than you. All those times you did nice things for him recently, he was probably pitying you, knowing that it was just a matter of time until he broke it off.

3. You lied about something big, like a pregnancy or cancer

Okay, so in a moment of complete desperation, you pulled out a whopper. You admit that it’s completely batshit and not something you’d ever normally do, but George is the love of your life and if you don’t do everything you can to try and save the relationship, then why are you even alive?

4. His friends avoid you

Because you’re thinking, talking and acting like a mental patient on the loose, his friends are cordial when they see you—they’ll nod and smile—but they make sure that you know they know you’re one crazy mother fucker and you will not be penetrating their friend’s life via them anytime soon.

5. Your break up is the only thing you ever talk about

Yes, I do know that he broke up with you at Kings Road during brunch which was so messed up because like, three people you knew were there. And yes, I know he was wearing the midnight blue tee you got him at the Rag and Bone sale. I know he forgot his wallet, that he ordered your sandwich with mayo because after three years of being together, he doesn’t know that you’re vegan! I know it was kind of cloudy that day and that you were hungover so you wore your Ugg boots and now you’re totally embarrassed by it and you were on your period so you felt totally, “blach” to begin with. You were blindsided, I know!

6. But you’re “in such a good place”

You tell everyone you see that you’re totally over “what’s-his-dick” and hold up your Tinder matches at parties, revealing that you took and Uber to Ceritos to do Cocaine with an accountant in his Uncle’s mansion that he happened to be housesitting at. You didn’t fuck but he did go down on you, which feels weird now that you think about it. He texts all the time. Lots of Emojis.

7. You took it to social media

When you broke up, you made sure everyone knew it. You posted not-so-cryptic tweets about moving on and what it feels like to have a broken heart. It was embarrassing, to be honest, but not so much that we didn’t all allow you your moment. It got bad when you posted #TBT pictures of the two of you in sexy poses on your trip to Tulum last year. Psycho, much?

8. He doesn’t want his things back

You can basically treat his apartment like a yard sale—he’ll hand over anything at this point to get you out. “Oh, we bought that stereo together? I paid for that but oh—okay. Yeah. Put it in the car. You almost done?”

9. His new girlfriend is afraid of you

She’s heard the horror stories and she’s lived some of them too. He got his new number when you ruined their staycation at that trendy new hotel downtown that he was supposed to take YOU to! You called and texted until his fully charged phone died. They fought all night about it. They haven’t fought since, she just thinks you’re cray-cray bananas and maybe going to murder her. Her girlfriends are obsessed with you and check your Facebook all the time and you don’t even know it.

10. You cry every time you see him

You think that this comes off slightly normal. You were together for a long time, after all. But you go into the ugly cry and you go there quickly over small things. You cry because you think he’s being mean to you, not because you miss him and your friendship. You play the victim role. You make him and anyone else nearby uncomfortable and part of you kind of loves it— you must love it, right?Because you do it without fail.

11. His family completely despises you

There are some cases where it truly doesn’t matter what your current or ex-boyfriend’s family thinks about you, but you know when the whole family hates your guts after a break up, you’ve done bad. Family’s dysfunctional, too, a lot of times a traitor mom wants to stay on your side or something, but we’re talking the whole family for you.

12. You show up places knowing he’ll be there

Easy, murderer. You can’t just roll up to that pizza place knowing that it’s Friday and people tend to get pizzas on Friday and this is the place that he just happens to get pizza. Or it was when you were dating. Who knows what kind of pizza he could be into now. His new girlfriend is a cheap whore so they’re probably eating at Papa John’s or some other chain place. When he was with you he only ate gluten-free, vegan pizza. God, you were so much better for him, girlfriend.

13. You’ve actually uttered the phrase, “If I can’t have him, nobody can.”

If we can say one nice thing about you, it’s that you’re determined. Completely misguided, but if you were to channel some of that drive into say, a chunky necklace store on Etsy or something, you might just make enough cash to take a couple shifts off at SUR and plot a murder or plan a Christmas party.