1. His/Her Parents Have Called
Maybe just to see if you’re okay, maybe to ask you for the recipe for the cookies you always made them (but really calling just to see if you’re okay).
Once you know that even his/her parents are so in love with you that they betray their kid by reaching out, you can’t help but rest a little easier knowing that s/he will be getting hell from their family at every holiday for the better part of the next decade.
2. You Start Dating First
Getting back on the scene sooner than you thought is the universe telling you that you’re hotter, cooler, and smarter. You’re desirable despite the fact that you’ve been wandering aimlessly around your neighborhood in a chunky cardigan with a froyo stain on it. You know what that makes you? A winner! A very attractive winner!
3. Your Favorite Restaurant Serves You With Glee
When you go to the place you ate for every anniversary and the hostess and wait staff are eager to welcome you and greet your date kindly, you’ve won. I’ve been in breakups where I’ve clearly won our favorite restaurant and ones where I had to learn the hard way that I was welcome, but not that welcome. There will always be a more welcome individual from a broken pair and it feels damn good knowing they picked you. So fuck off, Brian.
4. His/Her Best Friend Drunk Dials You
No, you’re not going to do anything about it (unless you do—in which case, MAZEL!) but a slurred “we really miss having you around, do you want to hang sometime?” is not only kind of hot, it’s the most hair-flip worthy of inappropriate behavior.
5. S/He Gets Super Sick
Maybe he falls off a roof and is bed ridden, maybe she comes down with a weird, unidentifiable flu. Either way, you know that God is mad at them and is asking them to pay the price by steeping in their own juices. You’re healthy and more vibrant than ever, s/he is stuck on the couch drinking sugary Gatorade, crying through TV movies and reading old issues of Fast Company.
6. Your Mutual Friends Side With You
Sentiments like, “You will be so much better off” and “You have been over him/her for a long time,” and even “Realistically, s/he could never give you what you wanted,” feel so fucking good when you know that they’re coming from a friend you shared. Who cares if they’re saying the same thing to the other party, being told you’re “better off” is an insta verbal spring in your step.
7. S/he Is In Financial Ruin
I don’t think there’s anything coincidental about your ex fucking up one solid investment (you) and then standing by as everything else they’ve worked for falls to pieces. His/her company starts another round of layoffs and s/he falls victim to it. Maybe his parents little nest egg they’ve set up for him/her gets reallocated to an emergency home repair. Perhaps the front end of his/her car gets ripped off by an old lady in a Lincoln and his/her insurance falls through. Standing by and watching someone who hurt you suffer is like drinking a whole box of Capri-Suns while Ryan Gosling goes down on you.