6 Yahoo! Answer Questions About Pregnancy That’ll Make You Cry

Yahoo! Answers is basically reality television in text form so obviously I’m obsessed with it. It’s also been a valuable resource for me when Googling about things I’m too embarrassed to ask another human about (dogs can’t eat avocado or macadamia nuts, FYI) but I find that the majority of people that actually post questions to the boards are full-blown mouth breathing morons. Like, the kind of people I dream to see and observe at the grocery store or a mall but never ever live next door to.

I’ve collected some of best (meaning “worst”) questions I found that were written by women on the topic of pregnancy. I know this is a cheap shot, nearly 100% of the population is capable of getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant, but it’s also v emotional because duh, babies. Human life. After the first eight weeks, they’re kinda things you can’t undo once they’re born. You can however (and most of these people probably should) put them in an adoption situation or have one of your friends or relatives raise them as their own and reveal to them on their eighteenth birthday that their entire life has been a lie. That’s how I would do things but I support choice.

First of all, I am a huge believer in our ability to someday crossbreed animals, maybe even mammals with non-mammals. I get real upset when people tell me that I’ll never be able to own turtle/lion because fuck you — you’re just not being imaginative enough and having faith in technology. But girl? Girl? Are you in a love triangle with your pets? And not one of those cute ways that lonely single girls say that’s like, “My dog is my boyfriend!” Is your dog actually your boyfriend? Has your dog penetrated you? Can Benson and Stabler track you down via your IP address yesterday, please?

Totally believe in spirits, totally believe that you can have a relationship with a spirit. You can probably even have a sexual relationship with someone the way you can have phone sex with someone. But with phone sex, unless your iPhone has a fully functioning human penis attached to it and you shove said phone up your puss when that thing’s about to blow, no. But that’s really cool that you’re able to communicate with the dead, girl. That’s a rare gift that I wish I had myself. I mean, I believe that I am sensitive to energy and can pick up on a presence, but I don’t actually see anything, so good for you.

SMDH. I’d say that this was the most universally asked question amongst my middle and high school classmates regarding pregnancy to the point where I’m shocked it’s still being asked. Sure, back in 2001 I’d say a pretty solid handful of my girlfriends had taken a stolen pregnancy test in a CVS bathroom because they gave their boyfriend a handy at the movie theater, but I thought kids these days were suckin’ and fuckin’ in their parents’ living room by age twelve now. I mean, duh, honey. You can’t grow a watermelon in your stomach by swallowing watermelon seeds, either.

Holy shit, babe. I see that this question was “urgent” so I hope someone got to you before I did, but the “nut” regardless of the your feelings for the “nut provider” is still valid. And if my response didn’t get to you in time, I do hope that you’ve found other words for semen so that some day your young son doesn’t expect a stream of cashews to come flying out of his dick when he’s ready to make his own baby with someone he may or may not love. “Nut”? Come on.

First of all, store bought pies are disgusting and I wish you had people in your life that were willing to put some chocolate Jell-O in a pie shell for you. Maybe you do. That might be something you want to look into. Secs, you don’t mention how much of the pie you ate or if you have mold allergies, but I’m assuming that you’re going to be fine. Thirds, I notice that you’re probably super observant and smart because you know how pregnant you are to the day. Unless you like, literally never get fucked except for one time eight weeks and four days ago and this whole thing is just a fluke. But like, girl? Maybe do a scan on something before you spoon it into your pregnant mouth. I’ve never been pregnant, I don’t know how these things work, but I’m guessing that at that stage of the pregnancy, I’d be worried about my fetus every second of the day and examining anything that came within ten yards of my body, let alone shit that I swallow. Just a little peek before you shove it in your face hole.

Okay, so build a time machine then take that time machine back to when you first discovered that your now-husband was cheating on you via the Internet because girl, they never quit. Especially when you “reward” their behavior by getting back together with them, marrying them and building a family with them (and lost your biological family in the process.) That is not a small issue if it hurts your feelings. If you’re all Savage Lovecast-y and you’re down for your partner to have threesomes with hookers as long as you don’t know about it, that’s totally fine. But if he knows that makes you sad, then he’s kinda like, abusing you? Emotionally? My idea is to grovel. Go to your family and be like, “Mooooooooom? I fucked uuuuuuuup,” and unless she’s a sociopath like your husband, she’ll probably help you out because leaving a pregnant relative homeless is like, next level Terrible Person™. Or you could have your baby in a shelter and give it to me because I need a project real bad. You could come over to breast feed and watch my Netflix for the first six months. Consider it.