If you often feel completely unmoored and anxious whenever you have to spend time away from your partner, you might be in an enmeshed relationship. And as someone who has been in her fair share of enmeshed entanglements, I can say with absolute certainty that there is nothing romantic about being completely wrapped up in another person. If anything, it is self-destruction.

An enmeshed partnership is not healthy and never will be because enmeshment is detrimental to your identity, your self-esteem, and your mental health as a whole. This is true for your partner as well.

Luckily, there are ways you and your partner can untangle yourselves from the enmeshment and have a healthier, happy partnership. Here’s how: 

What Is Romantic Enmeshment?

Before jumping into how you can break the cycle of enmeshment, it is important to define what enmeshment is. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), enmeshment is when two or more people become so deeply involved in each other’s lives that healthy interaction becomes limited, if not impossible.

While enmeshment often occurs within families, all types of relationships can become enmeshed, including romantic partnerships.

Signs Of An Enmeshed Relationship

There are various signs that indicate you might be an enmeshed couple such as:

• You abandon your wants and needs. This is so you can tend to your partner’s wants and needs instead. You’re so focused on “serving” them that you neglect yourself.
• You feel completely disconnected from your emotions. In other words, you’ve so tied up worrying and focusing on your partner’s feelings you forget all about your own emotional experience.
• Your identity and sense of self revolve around your relationship. If you’re being honest with yourself, you’re not entirely sure who you are without them.
• You have lost your independence. This can mean trouble making decisions without your partner’s input and struggling with time spent apart.
• You avoid conflict with your partner. You do so to “keep the peace” and maintain the “stability” of the relationship.
• You resent your partner. After all, every single issue you may have goes unresolved because you have yet to address any of the problems.

The Impact Of Enmeshment

Enmeshment is linked to various mental health issues including:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Substance misuse
• Eating disorders

Enmeshment can also lead to  higher stress, lower self-esteem, emotional dysregulation, and feelings of isolation from your other relationships such as with your friends and family.

How To Repair An Enmeshed Relationship

If you believe your relationship has become enmeshed, don’t panic. There are things you can do to untangle yourselves from one another and have a healthier, happier, and more fulfilling partnership.

1. Set clear boundaries (and then stick to them).

At their core, enmeshed relationships form due to a lack of boundaries. To restore (or create) a more stable relationship dynamic, setting boundaries will be fundamental.

There are five types of boundaries: physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, and financial. It is important to establish boundaries with your partner for each type.

Once you’ve determined what you are willing and not willing to do in each boundary category, do your best to stick to them. Wobbly, inconsistent boundaries are just as unhelpful as having no boundaries at all because this leads to distrust, miscommunications, and confusion.

2. Remember that communication is key.

Communicating openly, even when it’s uncomfortable, will be vital to creating a healthier, more authentic connection with your partner. Honest communication helps bring you and your partner closer because it helps create trust.

Some tips for improving your communication include:

• Use “I statements” versus accusatory language
• Avoid being passive aggressive
• Take time apart to process an issue before bringing up the problem
• Be collaborative during arguments (remember, the goal is resolution, not necessarily being “right”)

3. Consider seeing a couples counselor.

Sometimes, you may need outside involvement to work on repairing your relationship, and that is more than okay. There is no shame in seeking relationship counseling. In fact, if anything, it is proof of your love and commitment to one another.

4. Work on your individual identities outside of your relationship.

Carve out alone time so you can develop a stronger sense of self outside of your partner. Pursue your own hobbies. Work on personal development goals. Foster closer relationships with your friends and family. Remember that you are a person with (or without) them and that person deserves to be seen, nurtured, and cared for.

When Is It Time To Walk Away?

Of course, there is always a possibility that you and your partner could be too intertwined to make it work. While there are no definitive “call it” points, if you have tried endlessly to unravel from one another but to no avail, the most loving thing you could do for each other is to walk away.