I Am Strong, But My Soul Is Exhausted

Exhausted isn’t just enough to describe the state I am going through right now. I am exhausted yes, this tiredness is beyond physiological tiredness. It’s psychological, it’s emotional. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of trying to put on that smile on my face every day of a strong woman and be the Super Woman for anyone and everyone.

Suddenly I sit here, tight in the chest, feeling lost and unsure where to look for direction. I spent too long denying my own feelings and now I feel like I am the one who is unravelling.

I have written many articles about the Alpha woman: The strong, independent, self-sufficient woman. It sounds nice, doesn’t it? 

I never particularly set out to be this kind of woman, but life made me face my worst nightmares, I had to learn to become strong because no one was there for me through my struggles and tribulations, yet here I am, now I found myself worn-out and lost, wondering if someday someone would be there for me in all the ways I have been there for them.

I have always played the infallible woman role who seems to be able to do anything and everything.

When others look at me they see me as such. They see me as competent and able, but my soul is exhausted —while they see me sure-footed and steady—inside I am breaking.

I feel like I have spent my entire life trying to prove to myself that I am strong and being strong would be enough. I have spent so much of my energy setting such high expectations to be strong and shelving my own emotions that now I’m tired.

And now, it’s me who has become pale and worn out.

When you’re always the strong one, you usually suppress your desires, thoughts, and sometimes even how you feel. When you’re always the strong one, you’re very cautious about giving your problems to anyone else. You see that as laying a burden on the people you’re supposed to be supporting.

And the people who are usually so busy looking after others don’t always go around asking for help. But as the strong one you go through your own challenges, and it there can be times where you reach a breaking point.

Truth is it’s those of us that are the strongest end up needing someone the most. I see now that we all need someone who’s just a little bit stronger than we are. Yes I said the NEED word, the word that I ran from for so long because it seemed it had a negative connotation.

But I have come to the realization that is okay not to be strong all the time, I used to tell myself to not let anyone in or let them know of my struggles, I had the belief that those that are strong, they don’t feel like they have the space to have a weak moment. What if someone sees you bleed? What if someone see the tears you keep to yourself? What if someone hears the deepest dreams and desires in your life that you don’t always find the place or the time to talk about?

Now I have found myself exhausted from running from my need to be vulnerable. 

I long to be taken care of, not financially, but I want a strong arm around my shoulders, someone who can hold me down, no matter the storm I endured that day. I am independent economically, but I don’t wish to remain psychologically strong anymore. Yes, I desire to be caressed by someone.

There’s no wrong in craving for someone to hold you, to take care of you. It’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s not weakness. It’s rather a strength, we all need a “someone” to remind us that it’s okay to not be strong all the time. It’s the power of love.

And of course you can continue being strong for others. But make sure it’s coming out of a strength you’re going to be able to sustain.