A month has passed since the last time we talked. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember how hard I cried because this time, I knew our farewell was real. I knew that after that day, we wouldn’t talk again, and because of that, I saved the last voice message you sent, the one that makes my heart feel small.
No one would ever understand what you meant to me because of the bumpy road we had. It was far from perfect, but still, we had our little world. We had inside jokes, words that only we knew the meaning to and a sense of humor that only we understood.
Time has passed, and still, it’s hard for me to see all the red flags you had. I knew you wanted me in your life, but not in the way I wanted you in mine. I gave you all of me, and you just gave me halves. You always had secrets, stories that didn’t make sense, excuses, and tales, but I didn’t mind. I wanted you. You and your dark hair and skinny body. You and your energy, your intelligence, your jokes and finally, you and your unique way of making me feel.
Deep inside I knew it wasn’t right. I always knew I deserved better but I didn’t want to let you go. I look back and I blame myself for being naive, thinking I could change your mind. You always knew what you wanted, and what you wanted wasn’t me.
I’m not going to lie. I still miss you. I miss you every time I see the Instagram account we followed together. I miss you when I hear the song that was playing when we kissed in your car. I miss you even when it’s lunchtime at work and I remember the days when we had burgers and fries.
Even though I still care about you, I’ve come to the realization that I deserve better. I deserve a love that can give me all of him, not only a small percentage because the rest of him is emotionally unavailable. I deserve someone that is sure that I am the one he wants to be with. Someone that feels about me the same way I feel about him. Someone who doesn’t make excuses. A man that genuinely wants to meet my family and friends and wants me to meet his friends and make me part of his world.
The day you left, I thought a lot about my future. I thought a lot about the next one that is going to be in my life. I thought about all the things I want and the ones I am missing, and I realized that what I was missing was self-love.
Before being able to love someone and be loved by someone else, I need to love myself first. I need to be my priority and my soulmate. I need to embrace who I am, with all my flaws, scars, talents, quirks, mistakes and dreams. I need to learn how to see my value, and then I’ll be able to identify what I want and how I deserve to be treated.
I’m not going to lie, I miss you. I miss you every day and night, but I know that this time, it’s my time to move on, walk away and love myself again. I deserve to move on.