I never wanted to be that guy. I said that I would never be that guy, and hell, I even wrote about it: I wouldn’t be the guy who told someone they loved them if it wasn’t true.
My only defence is that when I told you, I believed it. It wasn’t until months later that I realized every single time I spoke those words to you was a lie; and for that, I’m sorry.
It’s understandable for you to think that I don’t care about you. I grew more distant to you when we were together, and I moved on quickly — almost abruptly — after we split. Those two factors alone are more than enough to think I never cared, and
reading this probably only confirms that notion.
But that’s not the case.
No, I never loved you; but I did care about you. I still care about you. It may not be the same way I felt about you a year ago, but I still care. You were a part of my life, and you were one of the few women I thought was worth investing my time and care in, exclusively. I still like to know how you’re doing, and I still think your parents are incredible people. None of that ever changed.
I just never loved you.
When I said it, and every time thereafter, I meant it… at the time. I didn’t want to rush in saying it to you, which is why I didn’t say it back when you first told me.
Someone else came along. Not at the same time as you, but it also wasn’t long after. I wasn’t trying to meet her, expecting to meet her, or even hoping I’d meet her. It just happened. We crossed paths at the same time, and for that one moment, the stars aligned perfectly.
It took one look to know I wanted to get to know her, one conversation to know I wanted to take her out, and one date to fall for her. To this day I can’t get a firm grip on what it was — lust, infatuation, actual love, or the stupid kind of love that makes people do, well, stupid things.
What I know is that I felt more after one date with her than I ever did with you, and that’s when I realized how long I had lied to you. If it makes you feel any better, nothing ever came of it with her; if anything, that reality felt like a heavyweight punch to the stomach.
Maybe it was bad timing, maybe it was just never meant to be at all, or maybe she was the three-dimensional karma put in front of me as payback for any and all of the hurt I brought you.
I doubt you’ll ever read this, and that’s okay.
This is more for everyone else who is on the verge of uttering those three words — those eight letters — that one statement that often scares the hell out of us to the person they care about, or for everyone who has heard those words and eventually got crushed.
It’s an unintentional lie. I know that sounds like an excuse for people to spin breaking someone’s heart, but that’s the reality of the situation. I may have never loved you, but I never meant to hurt you — then, now, or ever.