I know what I told you. The intention and belief is still there, but the fact is that the reality isn’t. I can’t be your friend, no matter how much I’d like to be.
I can’t be your friend because it would slowly deteriorate me to do so. It’s fine if there will never be anything between us, as painful as it is to accept, and I still wish nothing but a lifetime of happiness for you, but I just can’t be around for it.
When something is bothering you, I know that I’m going to offer you a shoulder to cry on, lend you an ear to vent in, and give you the tough love you probably need; all the while, it will be eating away at me, internally.
It will embarrass me for helping you try and find the happiness you obviously don’t want or can’t find with me, and it will continually confuse me why that is.
Does that make me petty? Maybe. But does it make me realistic? Absolutely.
I know that none of this is your fault, whatsoever. I fully acknowledge that.
I can’t give you the blueprint into the male psyche and help your current beau become the man you want him to be, because the only thing worse than never being the guy for you is helping you find the guy for you or molding him into that man.
A real friend wouldn’t do that.
They would be the ones out in front of you clearing the way — filling potholes, moving traffic cones, and obnoxiously honking at the people doing 48 mph in the left lane to get the hell out of the way.
I can’t be that friend for you. I can’t be a part of your life as the backup option, the “maybe someday,” the “he was there all along,” and especially not as your “it meant nothing” casual hookup. My heart won’t conveniently turn off with you.
If we grab breakfast, or even coffee, and I have to look across at your sparkling eyes, do you expect me not to get lost in them? It’s not going to happen. When we hug, do you think I’m not going to squeeze just a little tighter? It’s not going to happen. Do you think I’ll ever stop believing that one day everything will change? There’s no way in hell that is ever going to happen.
I’m probably always going to grab, dip and kiss you. That’s just what you do to me.
Even if it were to all change one day, I can’t be around for it. I’d rather get a cold call or text from you asking to get together than linger in the friend zone for years, watching however many guys go in and out of your life, hoping for the day you have a change of heart.
Therefore, it’s unfortunately easier — and best — to just not be a part of your life at all.