Whether you’ve never gone to a club or you go very seldom, going to a club almost always seems like a good idea. Then you get there, and it’s… well, awful. Don’t get me wrong — there will be plenty of truly great nights; but the majority will be a gigantic, expensive, waste of time. Here’s why going to the club is the worst experience ever:
1. It’s a mirage.
Let’s face it, the “club” is really just your average bar with the lights turned down, the music turned up and the prices through the roof. The allure of “going to the club” fades once you come to the realization that you’ve been there during the day, when nothing much is going on and you weren’t all that impressed.
2. False hope.
Most people (certainly not all, but almost all men) go to clubs for one reason: to get laid. And while this may happen once in a blue moon; once in a while, if you have game; or once every couple of nights out, if you’re really slick; the odds are that you will be going home alone, or whomever you came with.
3. Bouncers/security guards are assholes.
I get it, they can’t be warm and cuddly, God forbid a fight breaks out and they have to handle it. However, there’s a difference between being nice and just not being an asshole. Too many bouncers/security guards think that because they have muscles stretching out their shirts that it gives them a right to treat customers (you know, the people who are paying outrageous prices so that the place can afford your salary) like crap.
4. “Dancing” is almost non-existent.
I originally started going to the local hot spots because, although I can’t dance all that well, I like to make the attempt at it. I have rhythm and everything, but in today’s day and age, you can’t really “dance” to anything. Most clubs play electronic house music that pretty much requires fist pumping and head bobbing. Some songs open the door to slow dance, which, in 2014, means grind, a.k.a. rubbing one’s pelvic region against another’s backside. Don’t get me wrong; I definitely don’t have a problem with grinding… in doses. Too many “grinding” songs only lead to people essentially having softcore porn on the dance floor.
5a. Every girl thinks you want to grind on them.
I’m sorry, but when I said, “Would you like to dance?” you obviously took that as, “Hey, I don’t know you, but could I push my junk up against yours for the next three minutes?” Part of me gets it; almost all of the men that women encounter throughout the night probably want that, so they get tired of it and just give an attitude and walk away. However, would a polite, “No, thank you” be so much to ask?
5b. Most guys in there are creeeeeeeeeeps.
Honest to God, one of the most entertaining parts of my night is when a guy sneaks up on a girl, whom he clearly does not know, and just starts grabbing her waist and grinding with her. To my astonishment, this actually works sometimes, but the majority of the time, the girl reacts in a number of ways, all of which result in her leaving: (a) she just walks away; (b) she looks back, laughs and says, “No,” to him; (c) the girl’s friend pulls her away. Gentlemen — wait, who am I kidding, the people I’m addressing aren’t gentlemen — guys, why do you think it’s acceptable to just start sexually harassing someone you don’t know. It’s one thing if you walk up to her and lightly grab her hand to dance, but to just start thrusting behind her is creepy (to everyone) and likely petrifying for her. Just stop. At least have the common courtesy to ask.
6. No communicado.
Whether you’re trying to get to know someone, order a drink, or ask your friend where the bathroom is, it’s nearly impossible because you can’t hear a damn thing. The music is so loud that you literally have to shout in someone’s ear to be heard. At the end of the night, you usually have no voice; and when you wake up the next morning, you’re nearly deafened by your car radio because you were listening to it on volume 50 at 3 a.m., which seemed low at the time.
7. Way too expensive.
Just going off my local places, gas will run you about $5.00, give or take; feeding the meter costs about another $4.00; if there’s a cover charge, another $5.00. Boom — you just spent $14.00 to get in the place. Thirsty? How about a shot for $8.00? No? How about a beer? $6.00, please. (Also, don’t forget to tip!) Oh, you’re the designated driver? My bad. Just get a soda… for $3.00. You can’t really complain too much about the prices because, like at Yankee Stadium, you know you’re getting screwed; you’re expecting it. Still, that doesn’t mean you have to be happy about it.
8. Nowhere to go.
Most clubs are crammed so tight that you can’t move, be it to dance or just navigate to the bar or restroom. Everyone is bumping into everyone, drinking are spilling everywhere, and at some point, you will either have your drink knocked out or you will knock someone else’s out. Which takes me right into my next point…
9. Almost everyone is looking to get into a fight.
I can’t tell you how many times someone has wanted to go to blows over the stupidest thing. The best example: (true story) someone bumped into me and I bumped into someone, accidentally knocking his drink to the floor (right away, there’s No. 8 in a nutshell). I apologized to the guy, who just stared at me. He was obliterated and obviously didn’t hear me (No. 6). He then looked down at his drink on the floor, which is when I realized that I had knocked his drink out. I asked what he was drinking, so that I could buy him a new one, but he couldn’t hear me. I leaned in, so he could hear me, but he pushed me away, lightly. His friend asked what was wrong; I explained; then he said, “You should really buy him another one.” I said, “That’s what I’m trying to tell him, but he doesn’t hear me.” The friend said, “You know what, he’s so drunk, just forget it.” I gave the guy a $10 and told him to get whatever the guy was drinking. The friend talked to the guy, who leaned to me and said, “Look, I could fight you right now, but I don’t want to. I’ve got my girl here…” For one, he had me by about 50 pounds and he’d kill me. Secondly, I’m not trying to get arrested. While I had him, I told him, “I had no idea I spilled your drink; I’m trying to buy you a new one.” He eventually just said, “Introduce me to your friends, I’ll introduce you to mine and we’ll be good.” We did, and that seemed to be it. But still, ready to go to blows because some guy bumped into some guy (by accident) who bumped into you (by accident) and spilled your beer? Ain’t nobody got time for that.
10. Nothing changes.
There will be good nights and there will be bad nights, but one thing remains the same: it will pretty much be the same thing every night you go. It will be the same asshole bouncers/security guards, the same “bitchy” girls and “creepy” guys, the same blaring music, the same ridiculous prices and the same douche or train wreck looking to fight over something you probably didn’t even do (quick addendum to No. 9: people will start fights over things they think happened or were said). Once in a while, if you and your crew want to go for night out, by all means, go; a change of scenery and the club’s atmosphere will spark things up for the night. But, don’t make it a regular thing. Even if you have a great night that night, just remember that clubs are like a casino — you’ll win every now and then, but the odds are in the house’s favor and in the end, they win.