I’m a server and this morning, a coworker and I were discussing a comment a customer made over the weekend.
Apparently, the Ren Fair was in town and the customer was telling me about it. I said “that sounds fun. I think I might grab my fake sword and go.” to which my customer replied, “What are you gonna be? The black knight?!” (I’m african American).
After hearing this, my coworker said “that’s so stupid! Doesn’t he know there weren’t any black people back then?!”
High school biology class. Teacher had just explained the mechanics of artificial insemination. Student, pointing all over her torso as if she were holding a needle, asks, “Does it matter where you stick it?”
My best friend, drinking a wine he found quite to his liking. “Man, it’s like I’m drinking grapes.”
Watching Idiocracy with the wife. Gets to the part where they are in the future and she asks, “Is this a documentary?”
I was putting sockets away and the wife asks, “Are those permanent tools?” What do you mean? “Like, do they go away after you use them and have to buy more?”
Girl in my 11th grade Geography class “Wait…rocks grow, right?”
One of my co-workers: “I didn’t know there was 2 Dakotas.”
Also, there is a map of the US directly in front of the opening of his cube.
Friend: What kind of car is this? My SO: I don’t know……I think it’s a Ford Airbag.
At a cookout …
Me: So what will ya have?
Girl: A cheeseburger, but no cheese please.
Me: laughs a little Okay, one hamburger coming up.
Girl: No no no, I don’t want a hamburger, I want a cheeseburger with no cheese.
Me: Uh… it’s the same thing.
Girl: No it isn’t! A hamburger is made of pork and a cheeseburger is made of beef. I hate pork!
While I was staying at my uncles house, I was cleaning up after a meal and whistling a song stuck in my head. My uncle’s mother in law pulled me to the side and told me very seriously that “Whistling women are an abomination unto the Lord. It says so in the Bible.” I acted very concerned about my unwitting sinfulness and asked her to show me the verse so I could make sure I wasn’t committing any other terrible sins mentioned there that I didn’t know about. Three hours later she gave up trying to find it and I whistled undisturbed the rest of my time there.
“Isn’t it amazing that everyone spoke English during Biblical times?”
“So..are you Chinese or are you Asian?”
I died. It took three people, twenty minutes, and multiple analogies to explain to her that Chinese and Asian are not mutually exclusive.
‘Couple means three because it has three syllables in it’ – Sister’s friend. The more I think about it the less it makes sense
I’m a little late to the game, but this was how a former co-worker explained the sun and the moon:
“The moon and the sun are the same thing, but the moon is on one side and the sun is on the other. They’re really just half each. We only see them one at a time. When you think you see the moon in the sky during the day, it’s just a reflection from the other side of the world that’s looking at the moon.”
Absolutely dumbfounding. She explained this by balling up a piece of paper and coloring one side yellow.
Setup an ad-insertion system for a marketing group in AZ, and got an email from their on-site tech genius who couldn’t connect. I asked him to send me his IP address so I could check the routing, and he said he was a little busy but he’d get back to me.
An hour passes.
I call him back and someone new answers the phone, and tells me she can see him working on getting it.
I get a call 30 minutes later telling me he just put the case back on, and that he had the IP. He then proceeded to, very proudly, give me the serial number from his hard drive.
This wasn’t said to me but about a year ago while I was at dinner I overheard a woman sitting at the table next to me tell her friend, “I don’t normally carry ketchup around in my purse, but my birthday is in a few days.”
I was so dumbfounded that I almost passed out into my food.
Asked by my friend: “Wait, are eggs fruits or vegetables?”
She’s a microbiology major.
“Its moving, so gravity doesn’t matter”
Back in school:
Girl – Is Africa in Egypt
Teacher – No, Africa is the continent
Girl – I thought Egypt was a country?
…Everyone was dumbfounded.
Not said to me, but to a friend.
Referring to a natural waterfall:
“It’s nice that they leave it on at night.”
My sister: “Did you know there are sort of whale-like creatures that live under the moon’s surface, and they tunnel around and that’s why there’s craters?”
“Oregon? A state named Oregon? There’s no state named Oregon, I’ve never heard of it, it doesn’t exist…”
YES IT DOES I LIVE THERE.
To sum up the discussion, it was freshman year in college (Va Tech no less) and this kid on my hall didn’t believe in cells. We showed him a picture taken with a microscope and he said, “That’s just the devil playing tricks on your eyes.”
I said to my friend: “Your brother’s brother is an idiot” to which he replied “My brother doesn’t have a brother”
Had a customer argue with me over how big a footlong sandwich really is.
Her: How long are your footlong grinders?
Me: 12 inches. They’re footlongs.
Her: I thought they were 16 inches!
Me: No, a footlong is 12 inches.
Her: Well, maybe HERE it is.
“Cows don’t fuck… do they?”
A friend of a friend said this after passing a cattle farm on the highway where two cows were getting busy. She also thought Caesar salad came from Romania because of the lettuce (Romaine).
… so dense, light bent around her.
Had an ex say “Fingers don’t grow back, right?”
“After the steer is castrated, can it still make milk?”
Years ago for Christmas I bought my wife her first cell phone. She took the kids to the mall the next day and I called her. She answered the phone and said “How did you know where I was at?”
I was checking out of a hotel when I realized in the lobby that I’d left my phone in the room. I went upstairs to look for it and heard it buzzing (my mom was calling to make it easier to find).
I picked up and said “hi mom!” and she said “hi! did you find your phone?”
I didn’t say anything. she said “oh dammit, shut up” and hung up.
Got off the train at my stop while talking to my sister on the phone. Did my usual check to make sure I had everything: computer bag, wallet, glasses, phone. No phone. Where’s my phone? The doors to the train close and it starts to slide away. I’m yelling at my sister that I left my phone on the train and can’t understand why she’s laughing at me.
“If evolution exists, then why haven’t I mutated already?” -My dad
If monkeys evolved into humans, how come there are still monkeys?
Mind you this woman ran for public office.
I live in Texas and had a coworker (from Canada) that couldn’t understand why we got colds/flus since it doesn’t get very cold here. Seriously.
This girl I had a crush on in high school, when she found out I was half-Japanese, told me that she knew a couple of words: “okey dokey” and “soy sauce”. My dick retracted like a scared turtle
During one of my history classes two girls were flipping through an atlas. one girl turns to a page of Africa and asks the other “where’s Texas?” the other girl glances at the page and tells her “turn it, you’re looking at it sideways” They were entirely serious.
I just moved to Georgia. I was at work and a customer said, “Where are you from? You don’t sound Southern!” I said, that I was from Vermont and she replied, “Wow! You speak perfect English! You don’t sound European at all! Do you need a green card?”
I moved to Arkansas from Canada for a year of high school (got the fuck back up to Canada as soon as the school year was done) and several people in my class thought Canada was an American state, but they weren’t able to point to it on a map…a North American map.
“Is it 1AM in the morning or 1AM in the afternoon?”
I was walking through the dorm parking lot, and I overhear these two girls trying to figure out who had washed one of their cars. “You think it was Brian?” “No I bet it was Derek?” “Wow that’s so cool”
It had rained the night before.
One day while discussing geography a friend says, while pointing to the bottom of a globe, “But wouldn’t all the water and people just….like, fall off?”
Friend’s girlfriend (about 24 y/o): “oh, I’m terrible with geography. On a map I can only point out three countries: the US, Mexico, and New Zealand.”
Me: “wait, I don’t even know where to begin. First, why New Zealand?”
Stupid GF: “Because I’m Canadian.”
Me: Blank Stare.
Stupid GF: “Um, and it’s off the coast of Canada?”
Me: “I think that’s Newfoundland.”
Stupid GF: “Oh, right, I mean it’s near Europe.”
Me: “Now I have no idea what you are talking about.”
Stupid GF: “Wait, isn’t your mom from somewhere weird? Cuba?”
Me: “Colombia. Why is that weird?”
Stupid GF: “Why don’t you just say ‘Mexico’?”
Me: “Because it isn’t in Mexico. It isn’t even in North America.”
Stupid GF: “Um, then what America is it in?”
Me: “South America. You know there are Latin American countries south of Mexico, right?”
Stupid GF: “Well they should just all say they are from Mexico.”
This went on for ten minutes. It ended with us having to ask the waitress to explain to her that we aren’t fucking with her and there really is a central America and it’s not part of Mexico.
She is a middle school teacher.
I worked as a server right after high school at a popular ice cream stand. One of my not-so-smart girlfriends worked with me. A customer came in and ordered a sundae with “extra hot fudge”.
She just stared back at him, not understanding. She said, “You want extra hot fudge?” And he said yes. She did not know what to do.
She waved me into the back of the kitchen and whispered to me, “Can you help me? I don’t know how to get the fudge extra hot.” So I explained: Extra as in MORE hot-fudge….not extra-overheated flaming HOT fudge.
Funniest thing ever.
When asked if he knew who Barack Obama was: “Yeh, it’s that guy out of The A Team.”
Sitting in a Thai restaurant for lunch: “Where does Thai food originate from?” followed soon after with, “Don’t they eat cats?”
I was grabbing something to drink at a grocery store and the clerk was talking to her friend, “Yea…I’m down to about half a pack a day.”
Her friend, “That’s awesome.”
Her, “Yea, I know! I used to smoke an entire pack every two days!”
I’m pretty sure that I almost lost consciousness while my brain tried to process the stupid.
I work in tech support, a few weeks ago a woman said “Why you so stupid for?”. Another good one was where I asked her what it said under her IP address status– “Assigned by DHCP, WHO THE HELL IS THAT?!!”
In my Holocaust and Genocide class. Some random classmate “Were there any Jews before the Holocaust?”
The entire class of 40 plus students went silent. Worst part the kid was Jewish.
“North is whichever way you are facing.”
Girl in my high school math class: “Wouldn’t it be awesome to be a trash man? They only have to work one day a week”.
“Sharks are male dolphins, right?”