As a man that has reached the ripe old age of 48, I can promise you I have seen some shit go down. This one totally takes the cake for me though.
I was waiting out front of a truck stop back in the mid 80s. Sitting on a park bench with a guy that had a big Rottweiler kinda dog on a leash with him. I tried to make small talk but he was quite a sourpuss. So we sat in silence for a few minutes until the most unexpected thing I have ever seen, happened right before my very eyes.
While we were sitting there a big 18 wheeler pulls in without a trailer (bobtail) so he parks right up front like a normal car would. Inside the cab of the truck with the driver is a little monkey. The dance for the organ grinder kind. I think they are called Rhesus monkeys perhaps. Well the dog spots this lil monkey and proceeds to go apeshit over it. Lunging at the end of his leash and barking at the top of his lungs. Generally making a real spectacle of himself to say the least.
The driver is obviously upset, but not nearly as much as the monkey is. Actually upset may be the wrong adjective to use for the monkey though. In retrospect I think eagerly aggressive may be a more appropriate description for his disposition. He was pacing the dashboard back and forth. Never taking his eyes off of this very aggravated dog.
The driver opens his little triangle window that they don’t make on cars anymore. The ones made for smokers back in the day. He yells out to this douchebag to call his dog off because it is upsetting his monkey. The guy laughs and says no way (I told you he was a jerk didn’t I?). Says that his dog ain’t bothering nobody. The dog hasn’t shut up since he laid eyes on the monkey. I promise you he is bothering everybody for several blocks around.
Now here’s where things start to get interesting. The driver says that if he doesn’t call his dog off he’s gonna let his monkey loose on that dog. Douchebag laughs and says that his dog would eat that monkey alive. Upon hearing this the driver leans over and reaches into his glove box I guess. Pulls out one of those tiny baseball bats like you used to get at Astroworld or carnivals, and places it in the monkey’s hand.
The monkey obviously knows what’s about to go down because he is now trying to squeeze out of that little triangular window I mentioned earlier. This monkey has murder in his eyes if I have ever seen it. Driver hollers, “Last chance to save your dog’s ass man.” In response douchebag lets his dog off of the leash. Now we have a situation that has escalated to the point where we have a dog jumping up at the window and a monkey screaming profanities right back at him. Well, the driver finally rolls down the regular window and out leaps all kinds of miniature primate hell. The dog never knew what hit him. Quick as a flash, this monkey is riding on the back of this dog’s neck. His two back feet all wrapped up in his neck fur with one hand hanging onto an ear. The other hand as you may have guessed by now is steadily and mercilessly raining down blows about this dog’s head and face. I mean hard blows. You can hear them whap whap whap.
Well, it only took a moment for the dog to realize he was in way over his head. He bolts yelping bloody murder as he runs away at full speed. I mean this dog is running so fuckin hard he’s throwing up tufts of grass and dirt as soon as he leaves pavement. The monkey still riding him and beating on him the whole time. Douchebag acts like he wants to fight now but several people including myself stepped in to stop that nonsense. In a couple of minutes or so the little monkey comes loping back with his little bat still in hand, and leaps up into the still open window of the truck to await his master who has gone on into the store.
That wanker ran off to try to go find his dog, but I don’t know if he ever did. My ride showed up and I had to go. Never again in this lifetime will I see something so totally crazy and unexpected like that. I am both fortunate and humble to have been so privileged to be present for such an event.
Was having a new exhaust put onto my Subaru by a small specialty shop in Buffalo, NY.
We dropped it off and then said we would just go walk around for a couple hours till it was done. Staff advised us not too as it was a rough area…we were 19, and from Canada, what’s the worst that could happen?
After walking through a couple blocks of burnt out houses, and straight out of the movies (for us) ghetto, we decided to turn around and get back to the shop ASAP!
We walk around a corner only to see a group of 5 large, thug-ish looking young black men ahead of us, they notice us, turn and walk in our direction. Instant brick shitting…do we run…do we plead for our lives? We decide to do the Canadian thing and just keep walking like nothings going to happen. The “gang” reaches us after a few seconds, kind of does a half circle around the two of us, there is no escape, only robbery or death.
What appears to be the leader makes contact “Yo, we got a question for you guys!”
We sheepishly reply”uhhh yea?”
“Whats the plural form of Penis? Penises?”
“uhhh…I think so.”
One of the other gang members blurts out “see I told you man!” as they all kind of laugh and thank us, tell us to have a good day.
That is my only encounter with american street youth.
So I was loitering with a couple friends in a little village-style outdoor mall that’s pretty popular in my city. Without warning, a massive group of people turned the corner onto the street and started walking down it together at a brisk pace. Not a flash mob, no one’s shirtless, just a group of what had to be three or four hundred people all walking together, and as they’re walking the ones on the fringes of the train are calling out to passersby to join in. There’s no indication of where the group is going or why, and no one is explaining themselves or holding signs or anything.
We’re near the end of the street, watching more and more people latch onto the group out of sheer curiosity as it moves en masse towards us, and I said, “Fuck it, let’s go.” So we tacked on to the side of the train and followed it for ten minutes or so into the heart of the mall, where there’s a small park with a sculpture garden and a fountain. By that point there were way too many people to come close to fitting in the park. I would estimate at least a goddamn thousand packed together.
The guy who was leading the parade approached this young woman who was sitting on one of the benches there, who was looking pretty bewildered at being surrounded by hundreds of strangers. Another young guy who was with him, sort of a ringleader type, turned to face “us” as a group and started to shout-sing “Lean On Me.” With no idea what was going on, the rest of the group joined in until there were enough people to fill an auditorium all singing Lean On Me together to this complete stranger of a girl in the park. We got about a minute in (to the end of the second chorus), before the guy’s friend shushed us by raising both hands, and everyone went dead silent.
Then the guy who was leading the parade got on one knee and proposed to the girl. She said yes. Everyone cheered and dispersed, more or less.
It’s one of my favorite memories, just because of the sense of being part of something greater, for no reason except that we were all human. With no idea where we were going or why, we still joined the parade of people and sang to this guy’s wife-to-be, because it was a good thing to do.
A chick got arrested at a concert because she was blowing random guys. I don’t think she was drunk or on drugs but she would just go up to a guy and unzip his pants and pretty much suck his dick and spit out the load. A few minutes later, she’d go up to another guy until 40 minutes later 3 police officers came and arrested her after people were complaining.
This one happened on the train at peak hour about a year ago. There was a little girl and her father, they had just dropped her big sister off at school and were heading back home. She was crying and screaming for her sister while her father was trying his best to console her. All of a sudden, about four or so women in business suits (obviously mothers with children) began rummaging around in their handbags and pulled out toys for the little girl to keep her occupied. One woman even had several books and she began reading them to the little girl.
The little girl continued to cry when an Irish woman a few seats away joined in to help. She began singing a song and clapping. As she was singing a few people began humming along. She began singing louder and yelled “come on, everybody join in”. The whole carriage joined in singing and clapping, which stopped the little girl from crying and she began laughing. It was amazing. I wish I could remember the song though :(
I worked at Check into Cash for a little while. I was running a field call. Thats where I go to the peoples house to collect the money when they were late or skipped out.
Anyways I went to the “projects”. I turned a corner and the next thing I know this skinny black chick falls out of the window with no clothes on. Shortly after that a BIG black lady comes out with a toaster and throws it at the naked lady running away. A skinny white naked dude comes flying out of the house as well. The big black lady turns around and kicks the white dude in the nuts. Everyone went back inside. The lady I needed to see was directly above them. Laughing she says, “That happens ALL THE TIME.”
I was doing some window shopping on Upper Street in Islington, London about 4 years ago. It was the middle of summer & I was just passing the time going from shop window to shop window. I’m looking at some boots and my attention is grabbed by the reflection of a young, long haired blonde guy around 20 years old who all of a sudden looks physically stressed. I turn around and he’s blocking the path of a old man. The old man is wearing some old fashioned hat and has a grey beard & looking equally stressed about this kid not letting him pass.
I’m just about to tell the kid to stop being a dick and get out of the way, two or three other people have now stopped around us as it’s a quite an odd looking scene but all of a sudden the kid finds his voice, with tears in his eyes he says… “My name is Julian Flow, my parents are [something and something] Flow. Your name is [I can’t remember what he said], my parents are Deaf and when I was a kid, you babysat both me and my sister. You sexually abused us both for years and I never thought I would see your face again. There is no way in hell I am letting you pass me this time.” The old man insists the kid has the wrong guy. The small crowd start to circle them both, some extra people have now joined after hearing the speech. I think some guy says to the old man, if you’re not who he says you are, just prove it – take out a credit card or something. The old man refuses. I start to walk away from the crowd as one of the passersby says, “Well, you’re not going anywhere until the police turn up,” and calmly holds the old guy by the arm.
Saw a homeless man park his shopping cart between two parked cars on the side of the street. Then he walked out into the middle of the 4 lane street and took a shit.
Got out of a movie in down town Parry Sound. All of a sudden a snow ball fight breaks out between the movie goers and the bar across the street. Had to be a good 20 to 30 people tossing snowballs across the street. People were using parked cars for cover and sneak attacks. People who weren’t involved would get hit and join in. My girlfriend at the time was hiding in a store front door when some old man threw a snow ball right at her face. This went on for over a half hour. Even cars that were driving down the street were getting pelted from both sides. Hahaha it was the greatest random occurrence I’ve ever experienced.
Was outside smoking at a huge university by myself at about 4am when I see a deer running down the middle of the road. The noise of it running against the pavement was super bizarre.
Next a pickup truck comes barreling after it. The deer runs onto the campus lawns and the truck jumps the curb and follows it through the yards. I run after, gotta see what this is about, and by the time I get to where the truck had eventually stopped the deer was nowhere in sight. 4 guys were standing outside the truck yelling at each other. I sort of duck behind this bush area and run into a guy who was ducking there, doing the same thing as me. We kinda looked at each other, shrugged, and kept watching.
These guys look university age, yelling about guns, fighting, shooting each other. The guy in the bushes with me starts to make moves to get closer to the action, and the 4 guys see him. They start to walk over, I’m terrified, and they see me. They are marching over, confident, like they are going to murder me, and one guy (HUGE black guy) comes right up to me and picks me up. In a hug. And sort of just sways left to right with me in his arms saying “We were just kidding. We were just kidding.” He set me back down and the 4 of them walk calmly back to their truck, and drive away.
I really have no explanation for any of it.
I was driving out in the boonies and I saw a man towing a late 80’s Honda with another late 80’s Honda. Now this wasn’t such an odd thing to see in the area. If you couldn’t afford the tow truck, you just got a buddy, some rope and another car. As long as you always braked carefully and slowly the guy behind could also brake, and the bumpers would only touch a bit. There would be some scratches, but nothing you couldn’t live with.
This man was doing this task solo though. Also not unheard of, but it just requires even more caution with braking. Brake slightly so the car behind you contacts the bumper, and then slowly apply the brakes even more.
I’m not sure how long the man had been doing this for, but he was going about 45 mph, so he must have been pretty confident in his abilities. However, when the deer leaped out into the road, his reflexes took over and he slammed on the brakes, leaving the second car to slam into his first car. He was fine and missed the deer, but both cars were totaled.
I treated a guy who got stabbed not in front of, but on the front steps of a police station. wtf. Dude couldn’t wait until the stabee was a little down the block?
I got beat-up in grade school for touching a kid’s bike. I had never touched anybody’s bike, and didn’t know the kid.
It happened in a pretty public and crowded time of day at the school, meaning that it was at the end of the day when all the parents were picking up their kids after school. My mom watched it happen as she had pulled up just as it was happening. She got out and chased the kid off just as he was already finishing his bat-shit crazy tirade about how he thought I was going to steal his bike. This wasn’t the crazy part. The crazy part was after the kid ran off, he hopped on his bike and started riding away. Another mom, I didn’t know who she was because her kid wasn’t in my grade, saw the fight, and subsequently chased down the kid when he ran off. In front of tons of other moms, and maybe a couple of dads, and plenty of kids in the school, she tackled the kid down, picked him up by the color of his shirt, and carried him into the school to confront the principle. Most Badass mom I have ever known, and I never even got to learn her name. So, if anyone knows of a woman who lived in Lawton, Oklahoma in the late ’90s and had a kid who went to Roosevelt Elementary, I want to thank her for what she did. The rest of that school year was awesome, and I’m pretty sure she may have nipped a bullying lifestyle for someone in the bud. Thanks Badass Mom.
One day my freshman year of college, I was walking back to my dorm from classes. Some guy in one of those green neon bodysuits goes sprinting past me. Alright, whatever.
Not thirty seconds later, I cross paths with a girl wearing typical scene/punkish clothing, fishnet stockings, plaid skirt, dark painted nails, etc. But she was also wearing a welder’s mask with the visor down. Okay, things are a little odd now.
Then, not fifteen seconds later, some dude comes tearing ass in my direction on a bicycle. Dude had some place to be. Except he’s riding no handlebars, because he has a plate of sushi in one hand, and chopsticks in the other. He seemed to be quite in control of the situation, though, munching away while riding.
Any one of those in isolation wouldn’t have been much to remember, even two on one trip wouldn’t have been that crazy, but all three in such a short period of time has always stuck with me.
While I was in college a friend of mine threw a house-party that ended up getting extremely packed. The house was fairly large, and the bulk of the party was dancing in the living room area (carpeted), which had the furniture cleared out to make room for the DJ / drunken people dancing.
The DJ was a childhood friend of mine that I used to breakdance with, but was only spinning top 40 stuff to keep the energy high. Let me introduce the star of this story: let’s call him Paul. Paul is the guy you see at every bar / dance club that dances horrendously, but for some reason or another, thinks his dancing is amazing. Paul also happens to be on overly machismo douche. If at any point in the night any girl started cheering for some other guy’s dancing, Paul would magically appear and try to have a danceoff… usually ending in the other guy stepping out of the room to escape the pelvic thrust taunts.
(–couple hours later–)
My DJ friend and I decide to spin some old-school hip-hop that we could breakdance to; the crowd starts to get into it, and a circle forms. I step in to take a turn in the circle, and about 30 seconds in, I see Paul at the edge of the circle looking like a dog on a leash, waiting to break into the circle and show everyone who’s boss. I finish my thing and get to the edge just in time to see that Paul had cleared himself a runway into the circle.
And now.. the magic: Paul takes a running start towards the circle, and does a frontflip as he enters. He had had a bit much to drink, and underestimated how it would affect his ability to stick his landing; rather than landing on his feet, he over-rotated before un-tucking. The combination of his forward momentum from the running start, and the centripetal force of his flip made him transition straight into the worm, then his legs curled backwards up over his head (his body in the shape of a C) as he skid across the carpeted floor on his forehead.
I spit out my drink and laughed like a little girl, as did pretty much everyone else in the room. I seriously have never laughed that hard in my life; I cried so hard it gave me a headache.
Later on in the night I overheard him hitting on some random girl at the party. The girl notices the rugburn all over his forehead and face, and asks what was wrong with his face. The only words that get out of his mouth were “We were having a dance circle, and I…” before the girl cracks up and says “YOU WERE THE FRONTFLIP GUY!”. She couldn’t stop laughing, and he walks away in shame. I later found out that he had to go to the hospital for a concussion – I say it was worth it.
In college there was this crazy preacher that would always be out in the commons going on about how we were all going to Hell for living away from our families and how all the professors were homosexuals. One day I walk through the commons and the preacher is shouting hellfire and brimstone like usual, but there is a guy in a clown suit (named, I swear to fucking god, Superman Prophets the Third). The guy in the clown suit has a boombox blasting Marilyn Manson and he is dancing around the preacher. At the same time, a goth girl from the Wiccan club is drawing a pentagram around the preacher and chanting. It was a hell of a show.
We have this group of religious zealots that comes downtown every year during a week long music festival, and they just stand outside protesting out of moral outrage. Most people avoid them, but one year, we rolled up behind this one car and saw the woman in the passenger seat just screaming at them. She was clearly drunk, and everyone in the crowd and whoever was driving were looking uncomfortable, but the light was red and traffic was so bad that the driver couldn’t pull away.
She keeps saying she’s a “Good Christian woman” and doesn’t agree with taking it to their extreme, when one of them says something I couldn’t hear. She in turn yells at the top of her lungs “I LOVE JESUS YOU SON OF A BITCH”. The light changed and they rolled off about then, but oh man.
Every winter I go on a ski trip up north with My friend’s family. One year on the drive up we drove into a whiteout blizzard while on the highway. Traffic went from 70mph to a near standstill in a few hundred feet. We were in the center of the 3 lanes and behind and to the left of us a huge Suburban came hurtling down the road, the driver clearly not paying attention. He notices the traffic stopping at the last second and in order to avoid slamming into the car ahead of him th guy has to swerve right, across our lane in front of us, through the far right lane and off the road.
He drives off the road, down the ditch and up the embankment in the other side. Then it got better.
He made it to the top of the embankment and then turned back down. Drove back through the ditch, back up the shoulder and burst through a snowbank back onto the road. He cut back across all 3 lanes of traffic and into the spot he left from.
When we passed by the car, his wife was bawling in the passenger’s seat while he was laughing hysterically.
I was waiting for the bus and a couple were arguing extremely loudly then the girl screamed “NO ANAL FOR YOU TONIGHT!!!!!!” before storming off. I almost died laughing. The best part is she sounded furious and was totally serious.
I’m walking down the street in my city and these two guys are walking towards me, laughing their asses off. I mean doubled over, can’t walk straight about to pee themselves hysterics. Guy #1 reaches over and taps his friend on the shoulder. Guy #2 looks over and Guy #1 signs something in ASL. This sends Guy #2 off into hysterics again, like when you’re laughing so hard you almost feel high.
I stop dead in my tracks as these two get close and watch them walk by laughing their asses off, neither of them making a sound.
A bar fight between a group of deaf guys. Hands down, the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life.
I think I saw a fat chick fight club one time. I live in a pretty small town and we have a local grocery store. I was driving home one night about 11 and passed by said grocery store and noticed a bunch of the local country hicks had their trucks in a semi-circle with the headlights on and in the headlights were these 2 very obese women just going at it. Like clothing ripped and just beating each other. It was the strangest thing.
A man was “walking” down the sidewalk like a chicken, strutting and flapping his bent arms. I ducked behind a building to avoid interacting and waited a while until I figured he was on his way. When I peaked around the corner of the building to make sure he was gone, there he was posed on one leg with one of his “wings” behind his head and the other tucked under his armpit. I really went the other way then. It was a public enough setting that I wasn’t in danger. I wonder now why he wasn’t making clucking sounds.
I was walking into Rite Aid to buy batteries. As I walk in a homeless man slinks in behind me. We both walk to the right and he turns in the snack aisle. The batteries were perpendicular to the snacks. All of a sudden I hear multiple footsteps behind me jogging to where this homeless man is. I turn around and see the homeless man now shirtless ripping bags of peanuts and throwing them in the air and two store employees trying to subdue him. As they finally struggle to pin him down he begins to yell, ” I REGRET NOTHING.” Just repeatingly yelling it as he is dragged out of the store…
A man was fighting with another man cause his burger had cucumber.
Our neighbors back at my old house were deaf and mute. Not to mention, they weren’t good people; they turned their property into a giant junkyard filled with pot and abused animals.
But they did the funniest fucking thing one day.
One day while they’re gone, a man in a truck comes up with a hay bale. He walks into their driveway a bit, got a disgusted look on his face, and then set the hay bale in the drive way.
A few hours later, our deaf neighbors come home, and they see the hay bale. They all look at each other really confused, and then all at once, they look down the road. Then, all at once, they all look up the road.
Then, all at once, they all look straight up into the fucking sky.
I was in India at this time and back in my school, students living in the hostel (dorms) used to have the breakfast from the canteen during the winters, and eat outside on a sunny day on set fixed chairs and tables.
Most of us used to throw the yellow part of the boiled eggs on the ground, leaving a competition between monkeys, (stray) dogs and crows to grab those.
Usually dogs use to dominate in this fight. And of course monkeys were badly pissed at this.
One day, me with three of my friends was having breakfast and saw a group of 6-7 monkeys surrounding a sleeping dog. One monkey pushes the dog, and as soon as dog takes his head up, all the monkeys slap him one by one, taking 2-3 rounds. Before the dog could realized what happened, all monkeys were gone and the expression on the dog was like what the hell just happened. Whenever I think of that, still make me chuckle.
During a bar fight i saw one guy jump off a table and try a spinning roundhouse kick, only to miss by 4 feet and then get hit in the face by a plastic trashcan by his opponent. He was then escorted out by the bouncer while the entire bar laughed at him.
When I was in seventh grade eating lunch at the cafeteria, some eighth grade guy was picking on this quiet kid. The quiet kid got fed up and in one fluid motion jumped on the top of a table then jumped off it and roundhouse kicked this kid right in the face. It was glorious.
My friend recently witnessed a guy walk into a McDonald’s, slam his cheeseburger on the counter, and proceed to scream at the cashier about finding a hair in it. After rambling for about 3 minutes, my friend confronts him.
“Hey man, it’s not her fault. I think you should go.”
The man yells “This is between ME, and McDONALD’S, man! I’m done with McDonald’s! DONE! You people are disgusting! You know what I think of McDonald’s?!”
He then unwraps his burger, and starts punching it with both fists, rapid fire, ketchup and mustard splattering all over the counter. Then, he fixed his tie, and calmly walked out.
My uncle’s ranch, in rural Shasta County- lots of dogs and cats but the alpha critter was our cat Mercedes, a calico Manx with a regal bearing. Stub tailed with tufts of hair growing out of her ears, she was hard as a walnut and was a killing machine. She’d catch and eat large squirrels, chew em up head first with loud crunching noises. She was queen of the ranch and she knew it, she’d sit around squinting at everything and everyone like they were insects. One time my uncle brought home a new girlfriend and Mercedes promptly ran up to the poor lady and bit her toe so hard it spurted blood.
So one fine day, we’re up at the landing by the pole barn working on the skidder and a friend of my uncle’s who had never been to the ranch pulls up in a truck with a pit bull in the back, and the dog spies Mercedes sitting there in the middle of the landing, she’s not moving and is just pulling her usual squint of disdain. The dog is revved up, starts spinning circles in the back of the truck. Mercedes just blinks a few times and sits rock still. New guy says, “sorry about my dog, he likes to get after cats.”
My uncle laughs, says, “sorry about your dog if he gets after THAT cat.”
Guy has a look of incredulity, it’s plain he’s thinking, “bullshit.”
Uncle laughs again, says turn him loose! Dog is spraying spittle out of his mouth, ready to eat that cat. Mercedes hasn’t moved, still squinting like she had zero fucks to give. Guy says, “ok…” and then snaps his fingers and that dog burns rubber over the side of the truck and heads full speed for the cat.
Mercedes didn’t move until the last instant, and then she springs straight into the air and comes down on that dog’s face like some kind of evil beast, she’s just roosting this poor dog’s face like a chainsaw. I’ve never heard such blood curdling shrieks from a dog. The cat jumps off the dog and the dog went full speed under the barn, yelping to beat the band. it took the owner a half hour to talk the dog out from under the decking, and its poor face was shredded. Mercedes just went back to sitting there squinting at everyone.
I could’ve sworn I was on one of those hidden camera shows one time. I went to the Social Security office to legally change my name after I got married. The guy next to me on the elevator practically ran to grab a number before I got there. I go in and sit down and mr in-a-hurry sits next to me and tells me how he bought a suit at Jos A Bank for a job interview in Vegas and someone stole them and his wallet with all his money and credit cards. He happened to see one of his suits on some guy on the street and decided that he should go beat the guy up (obviously!). The cops showed up and arrested him. Can you believe that! The guy with his suit and wallet got off scott free and now he is in jail overnight and he has to sleep on the dirty floor!
I nod, politely like “yeah, that happens to all of us.” I am rescued by the good looking business man sitting next to me. He is there with his sister. Trying to make small talk, I ask him if he’s there on his lunch break, as he appears to have just come from work. “No,” he says “I haven’t been able to work for a year. They say I have problems, but they’re wrong. They mad me go to a place for a while, but they’re just trying to steal my ideas.” Huh… “I write sometimes, but I know someone wants to steal what I write, so I burn it all. You HAVE to burn it all.”
The conversation continues like this for 10 minutes until schizophrenic business man stands up, looks around suspiciously, mumbles something, and walks away. Suit Man looks at me like “Can you believe these people?!?!
On my first ever business trip to San Francisco, I get off BART downtown and a fairly attractive man in a business suit walks up to me and says, “You look like you are new to town, but I can tell you like jazz, do you want to go to an exclusive private jazz club?”
I took him up on it. I mean, why not?
When we got to the club, the woman at the door gave him a sneer, which I thought was odd, but she let us in.
We sat down and the waitress kind of rolled her eyes. She asked us what we wanted to drink. He ordered a Long Island, I can’t remember what I ordered.
When she was gone, I looked down and noticed that he was wearing some really trashed out fucked up sneakers with his business suit. I thought, “Oh…this is gonna get weird.”
I was right.
When the drinks came, he informed me that he must have misplaced his wallet. So I had to pay. No big deal, even though his Long Island was really expensive, but still, just money, whatever.
Then he tells me that he has to stay in buildings because the CIA is tracking him remotely, that they want to kill him. The reason that they want him dead is that he used to work for the CIA as a paranormal investigator, that he can read minds from long distances etc..
I feel bad for him. He’s obviously mentally ill, so I just kind of go along. But he say’s “You don’t believe me, I can tell! Here I have proof. Here’s my CIA identification card.”
And he pulls out his ‘lost wallet’ and proceeds to show me a piece of notebook paper with random shit scribbled on it. Well, OK then. I finished my drink, thanked him for the great opportunity (even though there was no Jazz, and the exclusive club was just an expensive bar), and his candor. I wish him well and get the hell out of there. Thing is, other than scoring pure MDMA later that night and having a fairly shocked Danish tourists take a picture of me topless with a sculpture of a photographer, that’s my favorite memory of the trip.
Sitting outside a Home Depot, waiting for a friend to return something inside, I was joined by an older gentleman who started making small chat. He was wearing old blue jeans and a red plaid shirt, lumberjack style and didn’t really give him too much attention as he started talking about stocks and day trading and about how much money he dealt with everyday… right up until I noticed his rather expensive Gucci leather shoes.
I think seeing two guys dressed in diapers and bonnets strolling past me after a 12 hour shift was one of the weirdest things I’ve ever witnessed.
I saw a full wedding taking place inside a Borders book store. They even invited customers who happened to be in the store to attend.
My mom caught two 10 year olds taking turns peeing into each others’ mouths behind a pine tree in our back yard.
One time I showed everyone how the Nuva Ring worked at a party….
I was driving my friend to dinner one night a few years ago. We were singing in the car with the windows down, loving life. The car in front of us had two dogs hanging out of its windows which reminded my friend of the time her dog jumped out of the car at a squirrel. We laugh because her dog is a Long-Haired Dachshund on steroids, which means its bigger, but still has the same short, stubby legs.
All of a fucking sudden we see something fall out of the car in front of us and roll across the street. My friend SCREAMS at me to pull over and lo and behold it is one of the dogs. I swerve to the sidewalk where the dog is trotting around like a nervous dog who had fallen out of a car.
My friend jumps out of my car and grabs it by the collar and tries to calm it down. I look up to see where the dog’s car is and I see it DRIVING THE FUCK AWAY.
I start swearing like a sailor. My friend wraps the dog in my favorite blanket from my trunk and puts it in my car. It’s bleeding everywhere and I am still swearing.
After TEN MINUTES of calming this dog and trying to figure out what to do, we see a car slowly making its way back on the other side of the street. I flail my arms like a girl who just saw a dog fall out of a car at full speed and the car pulls over. It starts to rain as the woman sobs in gratitude. “I was picking up my son from practice. He got in the car and asked where the other dog was and I didn’t know.” She takes the dog. I tell her to roll up her windows. I did my good deed for the next 10 years.
So it’s 1996, and I’m in Pamplona, Spain for the Festival of San Fermin, the Running of the Bulls. I should also mention it was totally a freak chance that myself and two friends were in Europe at the time, and never intended to go to the Running in the first place. But when we were in Paris, we heard it was happening right then, so we hopped on an overnight train and were there the next day. Hooray for not having set plans!
To set the stage a little, people from all over Europe and the rest of the world go to Pamplona for this thing. There are literally a crap ton of people everywhere you go, often sleeping in doorways, parks, sidewalks and wherever they can find a spot. We were lucky enough to find space at an apt where we could crash for cheap, so no sleeping in the park for us. During the festival, the actual run with the bulls is at something crazy like 8:00 in the morning, which seems ridiculous due to all the partying, crazy people, but the thing is, most are still up, they aren’t waking up early. You sleep after the run.
Also, parades. Lots of parades. As we did not speak fluent Spanish and did not know the awesome songs people sang in parades, we spent a decent amount of time watching them and walking in them, and we soon arrived at a startling conclusion. You only needed 3 basic things to start a parade. 1) Some sort of banner or flag. 2) Some type of musical instrument, like a drum, triangle, tambourine, whatever. 3) Drunk people. Lots and lots of drunk people.
The good news was, drunk people were plentiful, I had a hand carved drum I got from a guy in Nigeria, and on the second day, we found this big banner type thing leaning against a dumpster, in perfect condition. We set about trying to start our own parade, complete with me on a drum, my two friends holding each end of the banner, and we set out to rope in drunk people. I should remind you, we had no idea what the banner said. We may have been marching to cure childhood diabetes, or letting everyone know we were vegetarians and thought they should hug bulls instead of run them. No idea.
We find a open square area that seems to have a high concentration of drunk folks, we unfurl the mystery banner, and I start playing my little drum as we walk through the crowd. In no less than three minutes, there are approximately 40-50 people crowded behind us who have erupted into some song that we did not under stand. We kept on walking as they belted out their tune, picking up more and more people along the way, and by the time the song was done, we had at least 150 people in our mystery parade.
Everyone cheered and hollered, handed us a bunch of free bottles of Sangria, and then dispersed back to whence they came. To this day I have no idea what our parade was about, what the drunk people in the parade were singing about, or why some people gave us free Sangria, but I do know that it was really, really awesome.
in Boston, mid day in the summer in a crowded area, a rather large woman was mounted on top of a slightly less large man who was lying down on the ground face up. His pants were around his ankles. They were belligerently yelling at each other to no end. I was there when a couple police arrived and basically had no idea how to approach the situation. It was funny as hell.
Me and my brother were sitting on a bench waiting for the subway in Boston. Then, out of nowhere, the little old Asian lady sitting next to us ripped one of the loudest fucking blasts from the ass trumpet that I have ever heard.
Halloween weekend a few years ago and i’m on my way to the bar with a few friends when we hear a LOT of shouting. A group of scallys (Yobs, Chavs, poor british thugs) are trying to start something with a guy dressed as spiderman outside a chippy. All we can make out is that they think he should grow up and they would like to physically make him agree (although less eloquently, they are after all, simpletonts.)
So the guy dressed as spiderman drops his chips showing no sign of being upset by the ordeal and puts his fists up. As he does this, about 10 different guys dressed as comic book characters jump out of the chippy and strike outlandish poses, ready to fight and the scallys fucking shit themselves. It’s like one part of them doesn’t know how to process what’s going on, and the other part is screaming “Run!”. I mean, what would you do if you ended up in an accidental face off against 11 superheroes?
Laughs were had by all but the meanies.
My husband and I were in a mall in the DC area in the early 90s. At that time, Mary Lou Retton was hyping Tyson chicken products near the Mall food court. We took a look – “Oh, hey, that’s Mary Lou Retton” and walked past.
Out of a service door comes a man in a pretty shitty looking chicken costume being led by a girl in tie dye and dreadlocks. Sensing epic misfortune about to unfold, I grab my husband and we follow them back to the food court. Sure enough, the chicken throws a water balloon or something filled with red liquid resembling (might have actually been) blood at Mary Lou Retton and her crew as they are frying up delicious Tyson chicken in front of a crowd of soccer moms and their kids. The girl shouts something about Tyson being serial murderers and in an instant the chicken is underneath a large security guard.
As they are leading the chicken away, his girlfriend is shouting “Don’t hurt him! Stop choking the chicken!”
About 10 years ago I was with some friends on the Barcelona subway. I must have been late because the station was empty except for a group of 3 girls on the other side, and a drunk guy on the same side as we are.
Out of the blue this guy starts shouting to the girls (They kinda looked like prostitutes), and they are shouting back at him. So apparently he does not like what he’s hearing so jumps down to go across the tracks, only to be met by the now shoe-in-hand group of girls. Before he can go up and avoid the very dangerous position he was in (the tracks) he got pounded in the head several times.
He finally fought his way up, but our train arrived and we couldn’t see the ending.
A few years ago while visiting Washington DC, I saw a guy walk up to another man with a backpack. He pulled a bottle of Febreeze out and sprayed it. The other man took a deep sniff and handed him a fat roll of cash and received a few more bottles of Febreeze. Pretty sure I witnessed some crazy drug deal.
About 20 years ago a friend gave me a Panasonic cordless phone that got screwed up from water damage, thinking that I could fix since I was a handy guy.
I took it home and sat on it for a few months before giving it a gander on a Saturday afternoon. Turns out the handheld in the base-station had been on a window sill during a rainstorm, and after cracking it open, cleaning off a few things, and replacing the handheld battery, I put it back together and hoped for the best.
That evening I was about to walk out the door for dinner, when I picked up handheld to see if the new battery would take a charge (note the base-station wasn’t plugged into phone jack yet). Now remember how I said 20 years ago? Back then cordless phone tech was shit… best at the time had ‘two channel radio’ etc.
Just as I turned on the handheld, I intercepted into the middle of a heated argument between two young gangster-type latino men, mostly in english:
One was very distraught because he found out his gal had been cheating on him. He was touting how he was going to clobber the other guy and then ruin her life, etc. The other turned out to be his older brother, who was trying to calm him down but by telling him he was behaving immaturely … he clearly was concerned, he wanted to prevent him from doing anything foolish.
Standing there about to go out the door, I initially thought to myself ‘cool, I fixed it’ and was about to turn off the phone. Mildly entertaining, sure. I wasn’t that intrigued about someone else’s strife.
But then, the conversation got real: The older brother began to get philosophical, saying how life wasn’t simple but tough, how there are times when you just have to get through the horrible things that come your way. He then shared with his younger brother his personal example, in how their childhood priest had molested him. The younger brother then says, ‘man I hear what you’re saying, and for me it’s not so simple either – because he molested me too!’
I was shocked, or rather my curiosity invigorated. Both brothers began to console each other, realizing their new shared plight… Then, I spoke. But let me add here, that at the time I was pursuing a failing side job in the voiceover biz in NY. I did a few commercials, I have a pretty low voice, baritone. You see where this is going now.
I spoke, in my best Morgan Freeman, very slowly, “My dear boys. Good evening.”
They both stopped and started asking, ‘who’s this, who’s on the phone?’ as if someone hand picked up in their house somewhere.
“Boys, this is the Lord. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling in your lives.”
They then went into ‘wait, who? God? Is it really you?’ etc.
“Yes my boys. It’s me. I need to tell you, that I’m very glad you’re coming together under such difficult times.”
Silence. Then, the older brother started saying things like, ‘it’s really hard God, but we have each other’ etc.
“Boys, please remember I love you. And be sure to always love one another.”
The brothers then went in saying ‘yes, we have each other. you’re right God, we have each other’ etc.
“Now, go. Go be in peace.”
The younger brother then told the other he was coming over to see him and hung up.
In retrospect, I really wish I had said something ridiculous at the end like, “Boys, here’s what I want you to do: go back to the church and smack that son-of-a-bitch for me” but I was so startled just by walking into that call.
During Halloween one year I decided to hit up Mill Ave in Tempe (a strip of shops, bars and clubs right next to ASU). There was this church group there reenacting the crucifixion of Jesus, and generally calling out for people to repent and condemning the “pagan holiday of hollows eve”
This group was really into this, they had props with fake blood, roman soldiers, a huge cross with a guy dressed as Jesus hanging from it; the works.
What was so funny was this. There was this guy dressed as the devil standing in front of them with a clipboard. On the clipboard was contracts for your soul. He was buying them for $5. He had a line of people selling him their souls.
The church group was in complete shock. I mean, they looked on the verge of tears every time someone signed the contract. They were begging and pleading with people to not do it. I stood and watched this for about an hour. It was absolutely priceless.
That dude dressed as the devil was the greatest troll I have ever witnessed.
This crazy thing happened to me when I was in Japan. I was at an internet cafe, and as I was going to my seat, being the nosy guy that I am, I was peaking into the other people’s stalls to see what they were browsing. Anyways, the stall right beside me, I just barely glanced at, and I didn’t see the screen, but I noticed some motion. As I sat down in my own stall, my curiosity began to grow. So, I decided to go casually get a magazine from the stand and take a second look. As I was walking back with my magazine, I looked into the booth beside me and saw a 20ish year old girl watching lesbian porn, with her legs open spread eagle masturbating as furiously as humanly possible. Classic Japan moment!
It wasn’t quite in public, but I was witness to an outlandish event in a dorm room my freshman year of college. Actually, it wasn’t quite outlandish either. I would probably describe it as horrific–because I was in fact horrified–but I digress…
So it was early on a Friday night and like good college students, my buddies and I we were all standing around in a cramped dorm room pre-partying. A.k.a. standing around drinking Natty Ice and taking shots of whatever cheap 100-proof liquor the hobo who bought for us managed to grab. Anyway, I know it’s early (prob 8ish) because none of us were even remotely drunk when we heard a loud banging on the door. BOOM BOOM BOOM
Now, mind you, none of us are of legal drinking age so this gestapo-style knock makes us all freeze, all in unison mouthing “fuck,” because naturally we think it’s an RA. As we begin scrambling to hide all the bottles and cans, quietly I’m sure, the guy nearest the door slowly leans over and peers through the peephole. In frozen horror, we watch the back of Door Guy’s head waiting for a reaction/signal. After only a brief moment, he guffaws, backs up, and begins to pull the door open. With the door barely cracked, it gets shoved into Door Guy and in stumbles arguably one of the hottest girls in our dorm building. The rest of us, not really sure what to do and still decompressing from our fright, just stand there, I’m sure with open mouths. Note: none of us were friends with her, just met her through others, etc.
So Hot Girl comes t-rex’ing in like a boss, drunkenly trying to get past Door Guy into the room. Meanwhile, poor Door Guy, who is a big dude, is laboring to let her by without falling over. As she’s drunkenly trying to squeeze past, she grabs a handful of clothes hanging in the closet next to the door, breaking the closet rod and essentially pulling down the entire closet storage structure thingy.
With the entire closet spewed all over the floor, Hot Girl lurches past me and grabs a little garbage bin, dumping it out and setting it back down right in the middle of all of us guys, still unmoving, still open-mouthed, still staring at this drunken rage monster.
Here’s where the horrifying part begins. Without hesitating for a moment, Hot Girl pulls down her jeans and squats on the bin. Now, at this point, we all begin dying of laughter–possibly the hardest I’ve ever laughed–and being like “Bahaha!! WTF are you doooing?!? You’re pissing in the garbage!!!” Hot Girl is unconvinced, looking angry and annoyed as she begins drunkenly screeching at us to quit being perverts and to quit watching her. This scene goes on for maybe thirty seconds. Meanwhile I have actually fallen to my knees, laughing so hard my eyes are watering. It was in that teary-eyed moment when I first remember hearing a certain sound just a few feet to the left of my head, a sound which I can still clearly recall to this day. It was the sound of a muffled, low pitched machine gun. blup blup blup blup Hot Girl has begun to shit in the garbage bin.
Obviously mortified, we all immediately jump back and resume our open-mouthed gaping. The blup blups trail off into some nasty getting-every-last-bit-out fart/shitting noises (think Harry in Dumb and Dumber), followed by her finally finishing and a deep-space, cricket-chirping silence.
In probably the most miraculous drunk-to-sober turnaround I’ve ever seen, Hot Girl, without saying anything, and without wiping, slowly stands up, pulls up her pants and calmly walks out of the room, leaving us all in utter shock.