The Unedited Truth About Why You Suck, Based On The State You’re From

Daniella Urdinlaiz
Daniella Urdinlaiz

Alabama

You’re a certified college football freak.

Alaska

Sarah Palin is at least partly your fault.

Arizona

Your crystal meth isn’t actually blue.

Arkansas

You’re either a hillbilly, or the founder of a failing Etsy shop.

California

You want to be famous and/or a surfer but you suck at both acting and surfing.

Colorado

You smoke a ton of marijuana but claim to live where you do because you’re sooooo outdoorsy.

Connecticut

You own at least one CK Bradley belt, a pair of Nantucket reds, or a Lily Pulitzer skort. And yet, you insist you’re not preppy.

Delaware

For whatever reason you don’t have to pay sales tax. WTF?

Florida

You’re old, or some kind of Disney freak.

Georgia

You think of Atlanta as “the city.”

Hawaii

You’re unemployed, or a runaway.

Idaho

Your state grows the carb that’s making everyone fat.

Illinois

You know what the Superbowl Shuffle is and will perform it, too happily, on command.

Indiana

You’d rather drive a tractor than any other vehicle.

Iowa

You’ve actually been to the National Balloon Museum.

Kansas

You get annoyed when people reference the Wizard of Oz.

Kentucky

You resent rather than embrace the reality that everyone associates you with fried chicken.

Louisiana

You’re still whining about Hurricane Katrina.

Maine

You consider the cockroach of the sea a delicacy.

Maryland

Baltimore.

Massachusetts

You have zero respect for the letter “r.”

Michigan

You’re obsessed with a sport only Canadians should play.

Minnesota

You’re so nice it’s annoying AF.

Mississippi

You’re actually proud of your “southern values.”

Missouri

You wear camouflage. To church.

Montana

You’re not actually a cowboy.

Nebraska

You’re pretty much responsible for the kernels of corn in everyone’s poop.

Nevada

You’re just tacky.

New Hampshire

You have no personality.

New Jersey

You’re either doused in Axe, or you smell like the armpit of America.

New Mexico

You sincerely believe in aliens and have spotted at least one UFO in the last year or so.

New York

You characterize yourself as “so ambitious” but really you just do a lot of coke and/or pop adderall on the regular.

North Carolina

Your state’s tobacco is directly responsible for several thousands deaths.

North Dakota

You tend to lie about where you’re from because absolutely nothing happens in your state.

Ohio

You develop an inflated sense of self-importance during every single presidential election.

Oklahoma

You know what fried twinkies are. And you enjoy eating them.

Oregon

You’re either gluten free, paleo, or vegan. And you talk about it. A lot.

Pennsylvania

You claim you’re “from the city” but secretly live 45 minutes outside of Pittsburgh or Philadelphia.

Rhode Island

You’re either bankrupt, or corrupt as fuck.

South Carolina

You only ever shop at Walmart.

South Dakota

You don’t get that Mount Rushmore is interesting for precisely two seconds.

Tennessee

You refuse to listen to anything other than country music.

Texas

A large part of your identity is rooted in the fact that you live in the biggest state. Yeehaw, no one cares!

Utah

You don’t drink, you show up on time, and you work hard. In short, you’re super boring (and Mormon).

Vermont

You both eat granola and are granola.

Virginia

You’re just northern enough to be a little bit snobby, and just southern enough to be a little bit racist.

Washington

You believe in Big Foot.

West Virginia

You are living evidence that inbreeding is a bad idea.

Wisconsin

You went cow tipping as a teen, and you actually believe that cheddar is a respectable cheese.

Wyoming

National parks, blah blah blah. TC mark

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