The Unedited Truth About Why You Suck, Based On The State You’re From
Alabama
You’re a certified college football freak.
Alaska
Sarah Palin is at least partly your fault.
Arizona
Your crystal meth isn’t actually blue.
Arkansas
You’re either a hillbilly, or the founder of a failing Etsy shop.
California
You want to be famous and/or a surfer but you suck at both acting and surfing.
Colorado
You smoke a ton of marijuana but claim to live where you do because you’re sooooo outdoorsy.
Connecticut
You own at least one CK Bradley belt, a pair of Nantucket reds, or a Lily Pulitzer skort. And yet, you insist you’re not preppy.
Delaware
For whatever reason you don’t have to pay sales tax. WTF?
Florida
You’re old, or some kind of Disney freak.
Georgia
You think of Atlanta as “the city.”
Hawaii
You’re unemployed, or a runaway.
Idaho
Your state grows the carb that’s making everyone fat.
Illinois
You know what the Superbowl Shuffle is and will perform it, too happily, on command.
Indiana
You’d rather drive a tractor than any other vehicle.
Iowa
You’ve actually been to the National Balloon Museum.
Kansas
You get annoyed when people reference the Wizard of Oz.
Kentucky
You resent rather than embrace the reality that everyone associates you with fried chicken.
Louisiana
You’re still whining about Hurricane Katrina.
Maine
You consider the cockroach of the sea a delicacy.
Maryland
Baltimore.
Massachusetts
You have zero respect for the letter “r.”
Michigan
You’re obsessed with a sport only Canadians should play.
Minnesota
You’re so nice it’s annoying AF.
Mississippi
You’re actually proud of your “southern values.”
Missouri
You wear camouflage. To church.
Montana
You’re not actually a cowboy.
Nebraska
You’re pretty much responsible for the kernels of corn in everyone’s poop.
Nevada
You’re just tacky.
New Hampshire
You have no personality.
New Jersey
You’re either doused in Axe, or you smell like the armpit of America.
New Mexico
You sincerely believe in aliens and have spotted at least one UFO in the last year or so.
New York
You characterize yourself as “so ambitious” but really you just do a lot of coke and/or pop adderall on the regular.
North Carolina
Your state’s tobacco is directly responsible for several thousands deaths.
North Dakota
You tend to lie about where you’re from because absolutely nothing happens in your state.
Ohio
You develop an inflated sense of self-importance during every single presidential election.
Oklahoma
You know what fried twinkies are. And you enjoy eating them.
Oregon
You’re either gluten free, paleo, or vegan. And you talk about it. A lot.
Pennsylvania
You claim you’re “from the city” but secretly live 45 minutes outside of Pittsburgh or Philadelphia.
Rhode Island
You’re either bankrupt, or corrupt as fuck.
South Carolina
You only ever shop at Walmart.
South Dakota
You don’t get that Mount Rushmore is interesting for precisely two seconds.
Tennessee
You refuse to listen to anything other than country music.
Texas
A large part of your identity is rooted in the fact that you live in the biggest state. Yeehaw, no one cares!
Utah
You don’t drink, you show up on time, and you work hard. In short, you’re super boring (and Mormon).
Vermont
You both eat granola and are granola.
Virginia
You’re just northern enough to be a little bit snobby, and just southern enough to be a little bit racist.
Washington
You believe in Big Foot.
West Virginia
You are living evidence that inbreeding is a bad idea.
Wisconsin
You went cow tipping as a teen, and you actually believe that cheddar is a respectable cheese.
Wyoming
National parks, blah blah blah.