Thought Catalog

30 Sinfully Hilarious Religious Jokes And Puns

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Sister Act

1. How is God just like a regular man?

If you’re not on your knees, he’s not interested.

2. Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.

3. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration.

4. Why did God create man?

Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

5. If God created man in His own image…

He’s a fucking pervert.

6. Why does everyone pray in the aftermath of a disaster?

Hasn’t God just proved He doesn’t give a fuck?

7. If God sneezes when you meet him, what the hell do you say?

8. My husband and I divorced for religious reasons.

He thought he was God. I didn’t.

9. Don’t forget: If you never sin, Jesus died for nothin’.

10. Bacon proves God has a sense of humor.

He invents the greatest meat in the world, then bans His chosen people from eating it.

11. They say that when you die you become closer to God.

Because you no longer fucking exist, right?

12. Why is it that when you talk to God, it’s called praying?

Whenever God talks to me, they call it schizophrenia.

13. If God really made everything…

He’s Chinese, right?

14. How do you teach a bunch of kids about God—who He is, and what He does?

Gather them all in a classroom. Then never show up.

15. God used to create universes and flood the entire Earth. Now he appears on toast.

Anyone else less than impressed with the Almighty’s recent behavior?

16. Why did God make man before He made woman?

Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

17. The first commandment states: “I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”

But two of the seven deadly sins are vanity and envy. Fucking Hypocrite!

18. I may not be perfect, but Jesus thinks I’m to die for.

19. If God is everywhere always…

He’s spending a lot of time hanging out in strip joints. Filthy bastard!

20. According to the Bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.

Anyone else think we might be following the wrong guy?

21. A friend of mine was a junkie until he found God.

The day he overdosed, of course.

22. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike, until I realized the Lord doesn’t work that way.

So I stole one and asked Him to forgive me instead.

23. If God were a vehicle, what kind of vehicle would he be?

An ice cream truck, because he brings joy to those who discover Him, but people who follow Him too closely are usually paedophiles.

24. What does God call his nose?

God knows.

25. God impregnated a woman without her consent.

Isn’t that kind of worse than rape?

26. Science flies people to the moon.

Religion flies people into buildings.

27. Why did God make Adam before Eve?

To give Adam a chance to speak.

28. How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just sit in the dark and demand you accept that the light is still on.

29. I’m a doctor and every time I perform a life saving surgery, someone bursts into tears and shouts “Thank God!”

How Christian is it to take all the fucking credit?

30. Why doesn’t God ever answer your emails?

He’s more into knee-mail. TC mark 

Mélanie Berliet

I adore the following, in no particular order: knee-high tube socks, acrostic poetry, and my little brother. There's more!

This is me letting you go

If there’s one thing we all need to stop doing, it’s waiting around for someone else to show up and change our lives. Just be the person you’ve been waiting for.

At the end of the day, you have two choices in love – one is to accept someone just as they are and the other is to walk away.

We owe it to ourselves to live the greatest life that we’re capable of living, even if that means that we have to be alone for a very long time.

“Everyone could use a book like this at some point in their life.” – Heather
“The right words at the right moment, this is the kind of book you have to read when your heart is trying to heal.” – Charly
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  • Rianna Nicole

    Reblogged this on ribix13 and commented:
    Priceless…some truth behind it, which makes it all the more funnier

  • Dark Humor and Religion – kickandbite

    […] 30 Sinfully Hilarious Religious Jokes And Puns […]

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