People have said that I over apologize, and maybe I do. They say my words ring hollow and that words mean nothing without change behind them. Yet, I feel compelled to say I’m sorry with every intention of rectifying my wrongs for once this time.
So, this is me genuinely saying I’m sorry.
This is me apologizing for all the hurtful things I’ve said. I often act impulsively out of emotional intensity and say truly awful things. From the people I insulted to the times I implied my friends don’t really care, none of it was justified or the right thing to do. For some reason I think that lashing out when I’m in pain will melt my heartache away, but it never actually does. It’s time I finally learn my lesson and move forward from my mistakes.
This is me saying I’m sorry for all the times I did things for attention regardless of the cost. I always play the victim, like the boy who cried wolf. From the times I acted like a drama queen to the self-deprecating things I’ve written in the past, none of it actually served me nearly as well as I had hoped. For some reason I think that people will only care about me if I’m in crisis, but that never helps them stay. It’s time I stop the sob stories and keep things to myself.
This is me apologizing for all the situations and people I tried to control. I am entirely too codependent and I care about others too damn much. From the situations I tried fixing to the overbearing advice, nobody wants to be the puppet in my manipulative play. For some reason I think that control means helping people and keeping everyone safe, but it only creates conflict and pain inside my heart. It’s time for me to let go of situations and accept that people may not care what I have to say.
This is me saying I’m sorry for the pain I caused. This is me apologizing for all the shouting matches, all the secrets, all the lies. This is me saying I’m sorry for the nights that you spent crying or the days you felt trapped inside your head. This is me apologizing for the friends I cost us both and the opportunities you missed out on because you kept me by your side.
This is me wishing I could wash it all away, but realizing I can’t.
I may never earn your forgiveness, but that isn’t the point of this rambling here today. I’m merely taking a moment to examine all the work that’s left for me to do. This is me genuinely saying I’m sorry, but please wait so that I can follow through.