I Wish I Didn’t Feel This Way, But I Feel It Anyway

I choke back tears as I say goodbye for now. My heart aches with emptiness as soon as I walk out the door. I want to scream or rip my hair out as the loneliness settles in.

I don’t want to feel this way about you… but I feel it anyway.

It’s hard to love you so much that it hurts, especially when I have to leave your side. I’ve tried so hard to fight the feelings, to care less and detach. Yet for some reason, I can never break the chain that binds us together.

I fight the rage that builds when I feel like second best. Jealousy consumes me when you avoid me or seek solace in someone else. I want to disappear and forget that I ever met you as the abandonment rolls in.

I don’t want to feel this way about it… but I feel it anyway.

It’s hard to care so much that I’d walk through fire, especially when a voice inside tells me you don’t feel the same. I’ve tried so hard to turn off my brain, to distract and even self-soothe. But no matter what, I can never find the voice of reason or decipher a grain of truth.

My body begins to tingle. I close my eyes and fade away. You say that we’ll always be close, but today you feel so far away.

I don’t want to feel this way about today… but I feel it anyway.

It’s hard to stay present in a moment, especially one that’s painful and terrifying. I’ve tried so hard to make myself stay with you, to see if you’ll love me through the truth. Yet somehow nobody ever will, and therefore I cannot stay.

I don’t want to love, nor do I want to hate. I don’t want to live, but I don’t have the courage to die. I feel trapped inside my body, but like the world also pins me down. Just this once, I want the world as it is to stop, the world in which I’m mentally ill. I don’t think I can survive the storm another week or even another day. This is my silent cry for someone to save me, to throw the rescue line before I drown.

I don’t want to feel this way about anyone ever again… but I feel it every single day. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Writer. Mental Health/Disability Advocate. Mom. Lover of All.

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