16 People On What You Should Do If Your Long-Term S.O. Won’t Commit

While creeping through Reddit relationship advice, which I do on an almost-concerning, semi-regular basis, I came across what most 20 and 30-somethings would call an age-old tale. Couple gets together. Couple goes strong. Couple gets three years in, isn’t living together, and one party is v concerned that their relationship is going nowhere and that the second party is pulling away from them. In this particular post, the original poster has been with her S.O. for three years, and he’s being more than a little bit difficult about moving in together. They’ve talked marriage, she thinks there’s a future, but he’s being super vague about the timeline. Here are 16 Redditors on what you should do when your long-term S.O. won’t commit or move in.

1. “I am sorry to tell you this but he doesn’t see a future with you. The fact that he shoots down every possible option you’ve suggested leads me to believe he has no intention of ever moving in with you. You cannot speed things up. You either keep the relationship as is or you break up and move on to find someone who wants the same things as you do from a relationship.” — scoobydoo22a

2. “Have an actual conversation with him about what he wants in the relationship before running for the hills.” — Millionmario

3. “Sounds like he’s content with the way things are…and you’re not. That is a problem. I think you need to make it clear to him that you’re unhappy with the current situation, and you want him to work together with you to come up with a solution where both of you will be happy.
If he’s not willing to compromise now, how do you expect him to compromise on bigger things if you get married and start a family?” – iownakeytar

4. “My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years and neither he nor I want to move in together yet either. While we see one another in our futures, but both value our independence and being alone. We see one another maybe 2-3 times during the week even though we live up the street from one another.This works for us, but it’s mutual. In your relationship, that level of independence may be one sided, and that’s where you may be incompatible. What sucks about growing up and being in a serious relationship is that although things may be going smoothly, sometimes partnerships don’t work out anyway because you want different long term things.” – what_a_cat_astrophe

5. “My boyfriend and I have been together six years, no ring. Everyone moves at a different pace. The only problem here is that one person wants it, and the other doesn’t. If nothing will change his mind, [you are] better off moving on.” – imperi0

6. “I know two couples that got married after 8 years together. In both cases, forward motion began when the woman put her foot down.” – tactical_cakes

7. “If, after 3 years, at 28 y/o he can’t give you some sort of timeframe…then IMO your relationship is going nowhere, and you need to have a sit down with yourself about whether or not you want to remain in the relationship. He talks about marriage and the future (my guess is you always initiate those talks) because it keeps you complacent, and buys him more time.” – 4b3ats

8. “He’s giving you the run around because he doesn’t want to move things to the next level (whether with you or at all, it’s up for debate). If you eventually want to get married, I suggest you find another guy because you’re wasting your time with this one.” – whycantiremembermy

9. “Going against the grain here, he may not want to move in because of a certain reason. I know several people that wouldn’t do it before marriage. Just talk to him, but emphasize the importance of the matter.” – C0ndoriano

10. “It’s weird. You can speed things up by breaking up with him ASAP so you can find someone who actually wants to be with you in every sense of the idea.” – misspiggie

11.“Become less available, make some plans without him, be busier. This will help him focus on putting more effort into being with you, or not. If he’s content to see you less and less often, that tells you something. Depending where you live he may be afraid of handing over partial ownership of his house after you have lived together common-law for a certain period of time.” – bananafor

12. “Ughhhh I’ve been there. I spent 4 monogamous committed years in my mid 20s with my ex (5 years together in total) and he refused to move in with me. BIG mistake! I made excuses at first, then ‘reveled’ in the fact that we were ‘non traditional’ and we put our careers first… And then finally accepted the fact I wasn’t a priority to him. People make time for the things that are important to them. This is not a priority for him, and you need to make your feelings abundantly clear before moving on.” – cheesecheeesecheese

13. “It’s been 3 years. Usually couples move in before marriage to find out true compatibility. If he’s not willing to move in, then they might not find out their true chemistry as roommates/full-time lovers until later. To me, it’s wasted years. You seriously don’t really know someone, or their bad habits until cohabitation. Women sometimes need to push these timelines too if they want kids so they still have the chance later if this isn’t the person they want kids with (after living together). It’s a perfectly reasonable request. Esp. after 3 years of dating. It’s not like it’s a new relationship.” – SatinDoll15

14. “Maybe he just hated living with his ex and doesn’t want to go down that same path with you. I wouldn’t take it personal if I were you. But if it’s something you really want and he doesn’t, that needs to be addressed.” – midnightslip

15. “He’s just not that into you.” – MessyEnema

16. “My now ex did the same thing. He dragged his feet at every single step in the relationship. He only came back begging me to move in AFTER I broke up with him. We postponed the original move in date for an entire year, and he still didn’t want to take the step. We had other problems but his reluctance to move forward in our relationship was the sign of the other problems. He said he loved me, but he was using me as a trophy to dangle in front of his ex…nothing more.” – LostPinkDaffodil