1. You always want to go for a run, but never as much as you want to make rice krispy treats and rewatch The Bachelor.
2. You frequently decide that your workout of the day will be doing 100 sit ups in front of Netflix. It makes you feel accomplished, but still satisfies your television craving. You own weights because they enable you to “lift” without leaving the comfort of your living room.
3. Your favorite athletic rule is, “A rest day is a crucial part of your workout routine.”
4. You participated in a sport competitively in high school or college. And every day since you stopped has been an over exaggerated lament about how you’re not in the shape you used to be in.
5. You channel your competitiveness into watching other people play sports sometimes, but can never seem to enjoy it as much as other spectators. This is because half the time you’re watching other people play sports, you’re thinking about the fact that that’s what you want to be doing right now.
6. You’ve gone to the gym drunk more than once.
7. You are hyper-aware of the fact that there is a huge difference between “kind of being in shape” and “being in the best shape you can be.”
8. And this drives you insane because even though you’re leaning closer to the former than the latter, you really don’t want to get off the couch.
9. When you’re playing a particularly grueling game, or running an 8-mile course, you get through it by thinking about all the amazing food you’re going to eat afterward.
10. You spend almost as much time making workout playlists as you do listening to workout playlists. You can’t crush an hour-and-a-half session at the gym without the right music.
11. Occasionally, on a Sunday night, you’ll be inspired to wake up really early on Monday morning to get your workout in before work, and you’ll even make a schedule of workouts and healthy meals for the week. Monday morning, when your alarm goes off, you press “snooze” and hate your past-self for ever thinking waking up at 5:30 AM was a good idea.
12. One of your favorite parts of being on a team was the bonding stuff you guys did after practice. Team dinners? Yes. Team parties? Hell yes. Team trainings? Eh, if you have to.
13. If you run half-marathons or marathons, you fully believe that when a race doesn’t allow runners to wear headphones, that’s grounds to not participate and just wait for the next race.
14. You like the concept of hot yoga — good calorie-burning workout, high sweat factor — but the real appeal for you is getting to be warm for 90 minutes in the dead of winter.
15. You wear workout clothes to force yourself to go to the gym.
16. You also like identifying as an “athlete” because it gives you an excuse to lounge around the house in athletic wear without feeling like an imposter. Wearing running tights on an off-day is still authentic for you.
17. You’ve been complimented for your athletic prowess many times in your life, but not as many times as you’ve been complimented on your ability to put away an impressive amount of food at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
18. Your athlete friends don’t understand how you use “food baby” as an excuse as often as you do.
19. When you remember to stretch after a workout instead of collapsing into a pile of carbs, you feel especially accomplished.
20. When you were a competitive tennis player/skier/swimmer/gymnast/etc., your least favorite phrase of all time was “morning workout.” WHO IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY THOUGHT EXERCISING AT 5 AM WAS A GOOD IDEA?
21. Even though you really detest moving, or doing anything that requires you to eat right, and get a proper amount of sleep, you know that trying to keep yourself in shape is worth it because of the way you makes you feel. (Even though you’re constantly at war with that truth.)