1.

“You’ve got to be optimistic to be single. Stupid. You have to be stupid. That’s what optimistic means, you know? It means stupid. An optimist is somebody who goes, ‘Hey, maybe something nice will happen.’ Why the fuck would anything nice happen?”

— Louis C.K.

2.

“I get labeled a sex comic. But if a guy got up onstage and pulled his dick out, everybody would say, ‘He’s a thinker.’”

— Amy Schumer

3.

“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”

— Robin Williams

4.

“I see people my age getting married to people they’ve known for like a year and a half. A year and a half? Is that enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the rest of your life with them? I’ve had sweaters for a year and a half and I was like ‘What the fuck was I doing with this sweater?'”

— Aziz Ansari

5.

“To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.”

— Tina Fey

6.

“Do you guys think it’s worse to wear a fedora or kill 15 people?”

— Chelsea Peretti

7.

“We don’t live in a democracy; we live in a hypocrisy.”

— Sarah Silverman

8.

“Telemarketers are a gift from the lord. It’s an opportunity for joy in your life. Listen to what I’m about to tell you: They can’t hang up. Do you feel that? That’s the feeling of your life getting better right now. If you don’t swear or threaten them, it’s their job to listen to whatever you have to say. WHAT AN OPPORTUNITY.”

— Pete Holmes

9.

“I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.”

― Tina Fey

10.

“I would be psyched to get a phone call from Al Sharpton. I need to find out who does his hair. It’s beautiful. It’s a gorgeous mane.”

— Nick Kroll

11.

“Laugh. Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if people are passing you on the street saying, ‘I can’t tell if that person is laughing or crying, but either way they seem crazy, let’s walk faster.’ Emote. It’s okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.”

― Ellen DeGeneres

12.

“There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fucking liars.”

— Louis C.K.

13.

“I love pizza. I want to marry it, but it would just be to eat her family at the wedding.”

— Mike Birbiglia

14.

“It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them – especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”

— John Mulaney

15.

“Obviously, as an adult I realize this girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying ‘like’ all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster.”

― Tina Fey

16.

“Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.”

— Louis C.K.

17.

“If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them [the n-word], that’s the worse word.”

— John Mulaney

18.

“In a recent Valentine’s Day posting on her fan website, Britney Spears says: ‘oh, who cares?’”

— Amy Poehler

19.

“I wanna open a Jamaican/Irish/Spanish small plate breakfast restaurant and call it Tapas the Morning to Ja.”

— Harris Wittels

20.

“Your inability to see yourself clearly is what’s keeping you alive.”

— Sarah Silverman

21.

“Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.”

— Tina Fey

22.

“I was in a relationship for a few years and I think in the time I was in the relationship all dating communication went exclusively to text. You can’t call anybody anymore, if you call, people are like: ‘What are you on fire? Quit wasting my time, text me that shit!'”

— Aziz Ansari

23.

“Everybody gets better looking on TV as shows go on. Even the nerds on ‘Big Bang Theory’ are getting better looking. Their clothes are getting nicer. They’re better groomed. It works for them.”

— Nick Kroll

24.

“I’ve always dreamed of growing up to be Amy Poehler.”

— Amy Poehler

25.

“I think it would collapse my heart if I was super famous. I don’t have the nerve for it, I’m too anxious. I don’t know how you’re not obsessed with how people perceive you, because they’re real people, you know? You can convince yourself that they don’t really know you, and that’s true, but how can it not hurt your feelings?”

— Bo Burnham

26.

“As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn’t matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife’s Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.”

— Jim Gaffigan

27.

“It’s work having a vagina. Guys don’t think that it’s work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn’t. Every night it’s like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.”

— Amy Schumer

28.

“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

29.

“Way, way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn’t just go on the Internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, ‘I ate waffles for breakfast!’ That’s why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time.”

— Ellen DeGeneres

30.

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”

— Robin Williams