1. Your breath
You don’t need to change your smile. You don’t need to worry about your teeth, even if you suffered through neon braces only to end up with crooked bottom teeth thanks to your wisdom teeth. It’s all fine. But for the love of all that is holy BRUSH YOUR TEETH if you are going out with even the slightest intention of putting your mouth on someone else’s.
2. Being overly mysterious
There’s a lot to be said for someone that doesn’t say too much – and that’s entirely subjective because my type is ~introverted and aggressively not into me~. But you can only be so quiet before you’ve crossed “shy,” passed “introverted,” and landed at “asshole who refuses to say anything.”
3. Red wine mouth
Ladies, easy fix. You can buy very cheap Merlot colored lipstick. Apply post wine, pre going out. Store in purse.
Guys, there’s no quick fix but FYI you look vaguely like a vampire that just drank an entire bottle of Two Buck Chuck.
What you gain in aesthetics, and an excuse to step outside and not talk to anyone for 3 minutes, you lose in the fact that few people hope to wake up on a pillow that reeks of smoke. And your sexy, husky voice is dangerously close to sounding like Bob Dylan, the later years.
5. Ass crack exposure
A subtle-ish boxer/lace underwear reveal can be passable in a badly lit room. But if you’re a man standing in a bar and a woman sees you from behind, she’ll have seen your ass crack before your face. Is that really the introduction you want?
When someone starts out as hot, and really funny, then reveals that 90% of what they say is a complaint about work or their mother, it’s the flirtation equivalent of flat soda. Both improve slightly with vodka, but it’s still pretty unfortunate.
7. Talking over someone else
Should you feel like being one of those people who dominates the conversation 80% of the time – 50% by bringing up obscure subjects, 30% by stealing someone else’s thunder – someone should be able to Lemon Law you at the beginning of a date.
8. Revealing too much about your relationships on social media
If you’re starting to see someone, you should only know about their recent break up based on a few vague details they’ve mentioned out of necessity. They should not read an epic retelling of the heartache when they friend you on Facebook.
9. Turning the conversation back to yourself
It’s exceptionally unflattering to listen to a story someone’s childhood in Russia and interject halfway through with an anecdote about yourself. If you were born and raised in Connecticut, YOU PROBABLY CAN’T RELATE. People aren’t responding to your advances because they’re too busy wishing they had a clothespin that would fasten your mouth shut, without causing you too much pain.
10. Clothing with weird slogans
There’s a special place in hell for everyone wearing a Don’t Feed The Models or Female Body Inspector shirt out of the house. (If you’re wearing them in the house, there’s a place for you in purgatory, maybe.) All your shirt says is that if someone agrees to come home with you, they’ll be forced to hear about your souvenir shot glass collection or your recent trip to Alaska.
11. Shoes you should never leave the house in
It’s better to be short, than to wind up with a bruised shin because you hoped someone would catch you when you rolled your ankle and no one ever did.
The male equivalent of this is the shoes that have individual toe compartments and give off a webbed feet, Land Before Time vibe. You should absolutely never wear them outside water, or your house, even if you live in the Pacific Northwest.
12. Talking about your workout regimen
Mentioning you’re athletic, and have hobbies is perfectly attractive. Detailing your workout plan is over the top, and more off putting than it is hot. (I recently witnessed a guy tell a kind, future date that he lifted 5-6 times a week. She asked if he also drove for Uber. They didn’t exchange numbers.)