16 Things You Should Know Before Going Out To Eat With A Former Restaurant Worker

1. We judge how you tip especially harshly. Tipping under 15% won’t get you laid.

2. We are always conscious of whether we’re inconveniencing a server, almost to a fault. Half the time we are way over compensating by saying, “whenever you get a second” before any request. We feel terrible sending back a burger even if inside is so undercooked that it’s cold.

3. We know a lot of random facts about wine, even if we’ve never actually worked in the wine industry. We knew Malbecs were from Argentina before ever trying one because we learned random facts in training over family meal.

4. We think it’s annoying when the restaurant runs out of something that can easily be supplemented. Anyone who served for long enough knows that if you run out of ginger ale, you can mix sprite and coke and pass it off as ginger ale.

5. We will whine about paying for beer because we’re still mourning the fact that our shift drink glory days are over. And then we have a follow up story about all those times we got over served for free.

6. We instinctively look at the menu prices and try to estimate what the servers and bartender bring home in a night.

7. You can take a walk around the park after dinner because we are probably wearing practical, sturdy shoes. Old habits.

8. We know a lot of weird Nick Miller-esque bartending jokes. (So a dyslexic walks into a bra… And others of that nature.)

9. We audibly disapprove of the people giving the host a hard time. Then (when the annoying people have cleared out) we schmooze the host and try to get sat before everyone else. Results may vary.

10. If we’re out for a birthday celebration, or something else that warrants a discounted bill, we (politely) announce to the whole table that everyone still needs to tip on the original amount.

11. When out to dinner with a group of people, we’ll remember to split the bill off into table sections, or have one person pick up the tab and make everyone else ~Venmo~ them, because we know the pain and hardship that is running 6 credit cards on a $70 bill.

12. But we can also be vicious in that we’ll let everyone split and annoyingly write their card numbers on the back of the receipt, if we thought the server was rude. It’s like the restaurant version of an eye for an eye.

13. We will feel guilty about sitting at a 4-top when we’re only with one other person. That’s two seats that aren’t being filled and we end up feeling personally responsible that the server’s only going to make half as much.

14. If we sit at the table after the meal to chat, we tip extra because of it. If you hold up a table long after you stopped ordering food, the server isn’t able to turn it and it cuts into their earnings. Hence, the extra tip.

15. We will remark on whether or not the server greeted with water. Every. Time.

16. We will never sit next to you on a date, because there is nothing more infuriating than serving a couple who insists on sitting on the same side. If you really need to have 0 inches of space between you at all times, you need a B-52’s style love shack, not an Italian restaurant.