Kim Kardashian Hacked: Will Attempt to Break the Internet Again in 2016

Kim Kardashian's Instagram
Kim Kardashian’s Instagram

A group of rogue hackers have – once again – exposed one of America’s most beloved celebrities: Kim Kardashian. The leak revealed hours of eerie video footage wherein Kim stared into a mirror without moving a single muscle in her face. Fans presume she’s planning to reinvent the selfie, while others assume she forgot it was in video.

The most shocking revelation was a detailed plot titled Break the Internet 3.0; Third Time’s a Charm. Kim’s first attempt launched her career: a home video of herself having sex with Brandy’s younger brother Ray J, strategically released the same year her family was due to appear in their own reality TV show. Although the video has gathered almost 100million views, the viewers of Pornhub.com have collectively given it a mere 70% thumbs-up. The leak gave some insight into her feelings about the less than favorable rating in an email to her publicist:

“Don’t tell me you know how it feels to have 100 million people give your naked body a C- while having sex, because you don’t. That’s why I’m doing [Break the Internet] 2.0, and that’s why my face looks completely different than it did six years ago. Kthxbye”

Kim’s nude, Photoshopped body failed to break the Internet in 2014 and mounted public scrutiny as to why she’s famous in the first place. Taking this into account, her third attempt will play on the popular phrase ‘It’s what’s on the inside that counts’ by filming a journey through her own digestive tract. Always eager to push the boundaries of discovery with film, James Cameron will maneuver the robotic probe through its twelve-hour descent. Cameron said the following in an email to Kim:

“The golden rule of art is it has to be honest, the artist must be willing to bare herself to the world, and as you’ve already bared everything else, this presents a unique opportunity for people to connect with the real Kim.”

Kim’s involvement in the preproduction phase will prove no easy task, she plans to ingest a questionable formula designed to scrub away any digestive imperfections, proving her inside is indeed as beautiful as her outside. Creative genius and husband Kanye West is rumored to team up with Michael Bay in scoring the descent in real time, meaning a second audio probe will utilize the acoustic properties of Kim’s large and small intestine.

While some conservative critics claim this film will be ‘disgusting’ and ‘a sad reflection of modern society,’ more optimistic critics see this as a modern-artistic expression of minimalism: three artists attempting to create a work of art through the most superficial medium. Perhaps Kim’s publicist best summarized the motive:

“In the past we had milestones like declarations of war, tragedies, and other events that inspired a sense of cultural unity. That’s what we want to create in modernity. Decades from now people will ask ‘Where were you the day James Cameron drove a probe down Kim Kardashian’s insides with the explosive Michael Bay and sonic genius of Kanye West?’ And whether you like it or not, you’ll have an answer to that question.” TC mark

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