Losing You Has Taught Me Who I Am

girl at sunset looking at city skyline, losing you, becoming whole
Ivana Cajina

Losing you, has shown me that sometimes people walk away from us. Sometimes we can give the entirety of our heart to a person and what they do with it is up to their discretion. Sometimes we step willingly forward, only to have someone lean in the opposite direction. Sometimes we can hope, we can trust, we can fight, only to have our determination fall flat and one-sided.

But losing you has taught me that when people leave, it does not determine my worth.

Losing you, has reminded me that I do not control the passage of time. That I am not in charge of the way the world works, or if two hearts will beat in sync forever. That I cannot change what happens to me, only how I choose to behave in the aftermath. That I am the ruler of my emotions, and mine only.

But losing you has shown me that my heart is beautiful, and I can choose where I go, who I love from this moment forward.

Losing you, has given me a reason to celebrate myself again. To put aside all my selfless hopes for the two of us, and bring my focus back on building myself. To entertain the silly thoughts, the wild dreams that I put aside in hopes of pursuing you, pursuing us. To relearn what it means to be whole.

But losing you reminded me that I was never any less than full.

Losing you, has done a number on my heart. It has tied my stomach in knots, made me hesitate, made it hard to breathe. It has made me question, made my resolve fade, made my feelings buzz and hum and beat in painful ways.

But losing you has made me realize the power of my emotions, the sensitive woman I am.

Losing you, has given me reasons to doubt, to lose faith, to never want to trust. Your actions have closed off parts of me, made me want to hold back. Your actions have caused me to hold people at arm’s length, waiting until they’re damn near perfect to show them the darker parts of me.

But losing you has shown me no one is flawless, and little by little, I’m learning to let go and let people in again.

Losing you, has caused me to question, to wonder, to ask myself if love is really worth it. You’ve made me feel broken, empty, confused, and frustrated. You’ve made me take a long, hard look in the mirror at the person I am and the choices I’ve made.

But losing you has shown me the person I am and forever will be—not one who walks, who betrays, who destroys—but one who stays, fights, loves, gives.

And one who, despite your leaving, will continue. TC mark

Marisa Donnelly

Marisa is a writer, poet, & editor. She is the author of Somewhere On A Highway, a poetry collection on self-discovery, growth, love, loss and the challenges of becoming.

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