I’ve come to terms with your leaving. I’ve accepted the fact that two people can drift to opposite sides of thinking, even after expressing emotions that sounded and tasted and felt completely real. I’ve learned that letting go is a part of the process, that sometimes we give our hearts to people and end up empty. And somehow, in the end, we’re still okay. We still find our footing. We learn, and accept both the lesson we didn’t realize we needed, and the blessing that comes in finding our way out.
And so, I’ve chosen to smile, even after losing you. Because I know now that one person cannot define my happiness. And as much as I want to harbor bitterness in my chest, that will only hold me back. And I’d rather be free.
I’ve decided to accept that maybe everything does happen for a reason, even losing you. I’ve decided to accept that closed doors lead to open ones. That pain creates purpose. That falling down gives me the strength to rise again. That the moments where I feel the most broken will show me the power in myself, in my faith that I didn’t know I had until I reached that lowest point.
I’ve realized that accepting ‘everything happens for a reason’ is not the same as writing off or invalidating my pain, or the pain of others. It is not saying that someone’s ache, someone’s loss, someone’s experience with death was simply ‘meant to be,’ but instead says that God is here, even in those lowest points.
His plan was not for us to end up heartbroken, watching someone we love walk out on us. His plan was not for our friend to take her own life, for us to stand helplessly as cancer spreads through our mother’s body, or to listen to the same song on repeat, longing for a different life.
The pain is a product of the world we live in, not our God. And so, to believe that everything happens for a reason is not to say that God is not in control, but to trust that no matter what awful things we experience, He will not leave us to fight through the pain alone.
Even in the toughest moments, God still has a plan—not for us to be in pain or to think that He is teaching us a lesson by taking people we love away—but for us to know no matter what we go through, we will still be surrounded by love and hope.
No matter what pain this life throws at us, our God is with us, guiding us, bringing us to our feet again, showing us how to move forward, to continue.
I don’t believe everything happens for a reason in the sense that we can simply say that what’s awful was ‘supposed to happen.’ But I do believe that everything happens to teach us, to mold us, to shape us, to grow us, to bring us to places that we never thought imaginable, to show us our strength.
And when I think about you and I, I’ve decided to accept where we are, how we’ve fallen apart. I’ve chosen to let go of you because I know I cannot change what has happened or the way you feel, and honestly, I don’t want to.
I’ve realized that maybe you weren’t meant to be more than a temporary blessing, a painful and necessary lesson for me. And maybe, in the end, that’s okay.
Because you’ve taught me to love myself, no matter how broken another person can make me feel. You’ve taught me to lean on my faith, even when I feel defeated. You taught me to show up for myself, and battle, and believe that I am worthy of the love I give to others.
And no, your leaving was not catastrophic, not like encountering death or watching someone I love struggle with the demons in their head, yet painful nonetheless. But maybe if I remember that God is in control, that He has a plan, that things will happen for reasons I might not understand—not because of Him, but because of this life—I can find the confidence to step forward. I can see His light all around me. I can let go of things that hurt, that defeat, that destroy, and walk with my Father, regardless of the circumstance.
Maybe if I realize that losing you was not of God, and not meant to break me, but to build me, I can decide to let you go happily, knowing that where I go next will be where I need to be.
Maybe if I choose to believe that everything is guiding me, shaping me, bringing me closer to who I am and what I deserve, I can let go of you freely. And I can truly free myself.