1. “Her shower wasn’t working” so he proceeded to invite her over to shower together. They also fucked out of the shower and hooked up a number of times, but that was just his excuse.
2. “I didn’t tell you about this because I was worried you would get upset.”
3. “There is a fucking hickey on your neck? Are you 13?”
“Oh, I did that shaving.”
“Really. And you expect me to buy that bullshit?”
4. “We were planning a threesome as a surprise for you and decided to test it first.”
He knew I wasn’t into other girls… But boy, he was.
5. “I was falling in love with you too fast, I needed to do something to slow it down a little” after I found out he was cheating on me with my cousin (who lived with us at the time and who was like my sister). From the same guy: “I was jealous of how much time you spent with your dog” because at around the same time I got an English Bulldog puppy and I wanted to spend time with him for the first few months training him.
6. “I wasn’t naked. I had my earrings in.”
7. Not an excuse but my ex cheated on me and when I found out he looked me dead in the eye and said “I’m just not sure how I can reconcile with this.”
I’m SO sorry this has been such an emotional toll on YOU.
8. “But you were at Disneyland! You could have cheated on me there! “
I went with my mom and aunt. To Disneyland.
9. “I knew you weren’t ready to open the relationship so I didn’t tell you about it.”
I did actually see the despair enter his eyes as he said it aloud and realised how stupid it was.
10. “I wanted to see what our future was like. She was an older, less attractive version of you.”
11. “It’s not cheating because I was already planning to break up with you.”
Okay, but you didn’t, so it was…
12. “I was on vacation, you’re the one I want to come home to.”
13. Found a stack of Polaroid photos of him fucking other people in his sock drawer while putting away his laundry, all of them dated since we started dating.
“It wasn’t me!”
Featured in them was the tattoo he got on our second date.
14. “She reminded me of a younger version of you, and the way you used to be.”
I was 20, he was 25, we’d been dating since I was 18.
15. “You moved away. I have needs.” I went to college. I was gone for five days. His father, a “pastor,” called and said the same thing.
16. “My friend made the tinder account for me. I swear I didn’t even use it or talk to anyone!” He matched with a friend of mine from high school who sent me screenshots of the match and the conversation he started.
17. My ex wanted to try pegging but was too embarrassed to ask me, so he went on Tinder and found some random person to do it.
18. “I wanted to know what it was like to have sex with someone else, since I thought we’d end up together for the rest of our lives”
It was his best friends gf. He kept trying to convince me that it was okay because he had whiskey dick and it didn’t count because he wasn’t hard. His best friend didn’t care and said, “I know she’s a hoe anyway.” I was like the only sane person in the entire situation.
19. “Well, I asked you if I could sleep with her! You said no, what was I supposed to do?”
Umm…
20. “Other men flirt with you.” Yes, and I didn’t flirt back. You slept with another woman.
21. His drunk ass fell asleep so I went through his phone because I’d suspected he was cheating for a couple months. This chick claimed she had a yeast infection and he still wanted to bang her. “You should get some condoms because if she gets a yeast infection, she’ll know what’s up.” Then when I confronted him with his phone in my hand, he said they had set up that conversation on purpose to prove I was looking through his phone.
22. He was in his early 50s, I was in my early 20s. He said the age difference was too much and he wanted a more normal relationship. The other girl was 17.
23. “My parents are getting divorced so I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like”
He was 25.
24. “She had her pussy out.”
25. “I’m depressed.”
So was I but okay.
26. My cheating ex tried to say I’d given them permission to sleep with our mutual friend. We’d had a threesome together with her but I certainly didn’t give permission for them to start regularly fucking each other behind my back like they did.
27. “You have been working so much that I got lonely.”
Yeah, I am working two jobs because your dumb ass is unemployed and there are bills to pay.
28. Middle European men (like he) can’t resist the charm of Eastern European women (like his Russian lover was), haha.
29. My ex decided to tell me that it was some form of escape when we argue, so that he can pretend to be someone else and feel good about himself. He made it seem like some sort of disassociation trip.
I love when they try to make you feel guilty for their cheating.
30. (Emotional affair) “She’s a marriage counselor.”
Because he wouldn’t go to actual marriage counseling when I insisted. Oh boy, so cheating on me with someone with the shittiest ethics ever! Fantastic. Be happy together, fuckers. 
