1. I get great deals on athletic shorts.
Athletic shorts are crazy expensive—unless you have no butt. Children’s section, here I come! They fit perfectly, look the same, and all for a fraction of the price.
2. Shopping for belts is a nightmare.
Belts are ALWAYS too big, and they never fail to have about a mile of excess that has to be tucked into itself multiple times.
3. Shopping for skinny jeans is ten times more fun…
Buying skinny jeans is a breeze. Every pair fits!
4. …but sweatpants shopping is a bit more tricky.
Even with the elastic, sweatpants that cover my long legs tend to have way more room in the trunk than I need.
5. Oh, and don’t even THINK about twerking.
Twerking is off-limits. Always. Pulling a Miley Cyrus isn’t a good idea anywhere.
6. Car rides are a breeze!
EVERYONE wants to sit by me in the car. My butt takes up practically no space, and when it’s time for a road trip, I’m suddenly everyone’s best friend.
7. Don’t even think about sitting in someone’s lap.
Anyone courageous to let me sit in their lap is in for a world of pain. The second I sit down, they’re adjusting, trying to accommodate my bony butt that’s digging into their legs.
8. Speaking of bones…
My tailbone digs into EVERYTHING. Chairs, benches, floors, and don’t even let me get started on bleachers at baseball games. Those suckers are sent straight from Satan himself.
9. Shopping for panties is so. Much. Fun.
Panty shopping? No problem. Stores always have my size in the cute designs.
10. It’s easier to find the right guys.
Guys don’t stare at your butt if you don’t have one. It’s easier to sort the real men from the children when I know they aren’t in it for the sex.
11. …if they don’t think you’re one of them.
Wearing loose-fitting pants AND shirts can make you look guyish. With no butt to fill those loose, comfy pants, my body definitely resembles that of a little boy over that of a woman.
12. Your booty-bump game isn’t exactly on point.
When someone booty-bumps me, I don’t just sway, I fall over, try to bump them back, and end up injuring them because I’m bumping with straight hipbone.