1. You will notice that, yes, it rains a lot, meaning that after a particularly downpourious day there will be no greater feeling to you than the luxury of dry feet.
2. You will knock on death’s door probably 25 times before you finally learn to look in the right direction for oncoming traffic.
3. Even though this is an English-speaking country there will be select moments where the words people use for things will confuse you completely. THEY’RE NOT CHIPS, THEY’RE FRENCH FRIES. SORRY, ENGLISH PEOPLE.
4. When friends visit you in your new home you will act like you are soooo cool, like you have been here forever. You will take them to the like 3 places you have actually been.
5. On a swelteringly hot day you will make the risky decision to take the tube and you will step into the train anticipating air conditioned relief but instead you’re treated to a chunk of hot, stale funk. Bring a mask.
6. You’ll notice that people drink at all times of the day. You’ll even see fabulous people carrying wine glasses and drinking out of them on Kingsland Road on a Friday night. Yaaaaasss.
7. Invariably you will adopt fancy Englishisms — words like “proper” or “lift” — and people in the U.S. will tell you to SPEAK AMERICAN.
8. If you do not stand on the left on an escalator you will get mauled.
9. There will always be a line at the ATM on a Saturday night, without fail.
10. You will see a large group of pigeons just chilling on the sidewalk and you will purposefully walk around them because oh god what if they get scared and start shitting mid-flight. 19 pigeons flying around you and shitting simultaneously does not sound like fun.
11. The dead silence on the tube will startle you. WHY IS NO ONE TALKING????
12. People always talk about the weather in London and so will you. It is often cloudy and gray here, and sometimes there will be torrential downpour, bombastic clouds, chilly wind and warm sunshine in one hour. When the sun comes out for a full day, people go apeshit.
13. You will never have any money at all, ever.
14. Especially not if you’re visiting from the United States, because the U.S. dollar is worth basically nothing against the British Pound. Every time you buy something you’re doing conversions in your head, real time. You will Tweet: “I just ate at McDonald’s and it cost me 16 USD, what the actual fuck!”
15. When you go out on the weekend you will never know what time it is because it gets dark after 10pm and the sun comes out at 4am.
16. When you take the big red bus you will want to ride at the top because OMG U ARE IN LONDON, but you will nearly fall to your death trying to go up or down the stairs. Especially if you have been drinking, which is likely.
17. Because London is expensive as fuck you will live in a house with 22 people, all from various foreign countries!
18. Sometimes you will want nothing more than to stay in and cuddle up with your laptop and watch your favorite American TV programs.
19. There will come a time when you stumble out of a club at 4am or 5am and debate whether you should take the night bus back home or get a cab, but you will be so exhausted that you will think nothing of paying 20 pounds to get back home instead of finding/waiting on a night bus/changing busses, hence poverty.
20. You’ll savor all the London facts you’ll learn, like the fact that the thing everyone thinks is London Bridge is not actually London Bridge.
21. You will distance yourself from people in your country who do embarrassing things out in society. One time I was on the tube and there were like 10 girls, all wearing tiaras on their heads (which, why?) and screaming loudly. The woman across from me said to the person next to her, “They must be American tourists,” hashtag FACE PALM.
22. Rent prices will seem so low until you realize the rent in London is charged by the week!!!!
23. Finding a flatmate will be like going on 25 different Tinder dates.
24. You will never know if a British person really likes you or if they are just being extremely polite.
25. You will quickly learn to dodge umbrellas when it rains, you know, so your eyes don’t get poked out because every single person has an umbrella.
26. There will be times when you will be entirely confused about why British people pronounce certain words certain ways. Seriously, guys? It is spelled S-O-U-T-H-W-A-R-K, not SUTHERK :p
27. When you visit your favorite American restaurants and other cafes you will become outraged by the small sizes for drinks and fries. You call this small-ass piece of paper a large? I am unsatisfied.
28. Every time you go across the River Thames or down Regent Street you will realize, Holy Shit! I live in London.