22 Everyday Feelings That Are Actually Better Than Sex

1. Luxuriously releasing a full stream pee you’ve been holding in for a very long time, so long you thought you might actually piss your pants, embarrassing yourself in front of all.

2. Stopping the gas pump on the exact amount you wanted to stop it on. If it goes too much past where you wanted to stop, why you might as well just keep going to the next dollar amount.

3. The first bite of a burger or a pizza, especially when you haven’t had one in a really long time. Especially if it has bacon on it.

4. Seeing on Facebook that one of your exes got really fat lol.

5. Getting anxious that one of those clipboard wielding people from Children International or whatever the fuck will bombard you with guilt (DO YOU CARE ABOUT CHILDREN!!!) but they actually leave you alone this time whew.

6. Being starving and/or on the cusp of passing out from hunger then scarfing food and feeling completely satiated. It is amazing every time, unlike an orgasm which can sometimes just be ho-hum.

7. Hailing a cab in one single try on a busy street on a Saturday night.

8. Cashing in your coin jar and discovering that bad boy is worth $52!

9. Getting a match on Tinder from someone you “hearted” but thought was really out of your league but they like you back, wow!

10. That singular moment of praise when your reimbursement or other check you have been waiting on comes in the mail. There is nothing worse than waiting on a check to come in the mail, especially because people always tell you “it is in the mail” when they know it is not.

11. Hearing the magical words, “It’s NOT cancer.”

12. Relaxing into a brand new, taut pair of socks. They don’t even have any holes in them!

13. Taking the plastic off of something you just bought. Peeling the plastic off of something is the dominant sign of success and glory in life.

14. A person who can give you a head massage/or having your hair washed at the salon.

15. The first bite of a warm cake or pie or cookie.

16. Waking up Sunday morning and staying in bed all day basically.

17. The feeling of eating bacon, at any time of day.

18. Three day weekends.

19. Treating your new computer ever so delicately in the first few days of its newness.

20. Getting straight into bed after a long day and a nice shower, especially if the sheets are freshly washed and still sort of toasty from the dryer!

21. When a hot guy wearing sweats walks past and you can see the imprint of his ding-a-ling kind of.

22. Feelings of wonderment as you stare into every single picture Theo James has taken.

23. Singing your favorite song in the shower as loud as you want to because you are a STAR.