8 Types Of White People, Ranked By How White They Are

Sasha Fenix / Shutterstock.com
Sasha Fenix / Shutterstock.com

1. White People With Hairstyles From 20-30 Years Ago

Living in Richmond, Virginia, which for many is considered the “deep” south, you can sometimes see some pretty interesting hairstyles, especially where the older generation is concerned. Like rat tails! Or mullets! Or fully teased out hair with crispy bangs! It’s a whole lot of fun to see these things walk by. I was once at the 7-11 somewhere and the cashier looked like a lesbian gym coach from 1972. But you know what? Bless these people for forgetting that it is in fact 2014, and for working the look that serves them best. You do you, Virginia. Level of Whiteness: Cloud.

2. Flip Flops Wearing White People

I live in the city, where I will always live, and I just don’t “get” flip flops. I mean I get them, but I don’t understand why anyone would wear these things away from the beach or other vast, green pastures or say to run to the bodega or the laundromat. The thing that always confuses me are the white people who wear flip flops IN THE SNOW. That or…when it is definitely 2 degrees outside. I was in Chicago during “ChiBeria” and I ran out to get a pizza and I swear I saw a guy walking around in flop flops. That’s all there is to say about that. Level of Whiteness: I Can’t.

3. Multiple-Popped Polo Wielding White People

If you look back at archival photos of me on Facebook there will definitely be at least one photo where I am wearing a popped polo. We have all done it, especially back in like 2005 when it was a real thing. But the thing I never did was wear two to four different colored polos all at the same time, all popped and starched to eternity. Level of Whiteness: Stuck In 2005.

4. Taking Unnecessary Risks White People

We all know the movie stereotype that white people are the only people to go check out scary noises. That’s one thing. But taking life threatening risks, like skydiving or like putting your head in an alligator’s head, what is the point? Level of Whiteness: All White People Have 9 Lives.


5. White People Who Go Ballistic With Holiday Decorations

There’s a street in Richmond that’s full of mansions. And you know what people who have mansions love to do more than anything else? Put a whole lot of shit outside of it during the holidays. Level of Whiteness: A gift card to Michael’s.

6. White People Who Get Questionable Tats

Everyone is prone to getting bad tattoos because poor decision-making is not limited to one particular race. Maybe there was that one time in Vegas or that other time you got really drunk and your friends LOL’d you into getting a stupid tat. But think carefully!: do you really need a tattoo with a hashtag? Do you actually understand Japanese or Chinese? Is that tattoo covering your entire face going to impact your employment in any way? Level of Whiteness: a Billy Ray Cyrus album.

7. The White People Who Are Confused About What Temperature It Is Outside

I see you over there, shivering in your North Face bubble jacket, gloves and scarf, so I just don’t understand why you’re wearing shorts r/n? I mean clearly you can see that it’s cold outside. Level of Whiteness: an affirmative action lawsuit.


8. White People Who Drink Milk With Dinner

Milk is fine with breakfast, fine with cookies, fine with a snack or chocolate. But why are people drinking milk with steak and potatoes? Milk with their McDonald’s? Milk with any other meal that is not dessert or breakfast? I’m really just trying to understand why people willfully ruin their dinners, because I grew up drinking “red” Kool-Aid at every meal, so. Level of Whiteness: A “cute” new coffee shop.Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Author of How To Be A Pop Star.

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