1) Always remember that texting is not dating — it’s texting. This might be a hard pill to swallow, especially when you put off sleep or studying for a midterm to stay up into the wee hours of the morning T(s)exting or being all flirty like. If the person is already your significant other, that’s one thing. But if your whole relationship is based on a screen, you’re not dating!
2) Which is why you should keep yourself occupied. I know she or he is like totally hot and you can’t believe they are talking to you right now. But don’t make the rookie mistake we have all made of waiting by the phone for hours and hours yelling at your phone WHY WONT S/HE TEXT ME BACK I AM HYPERVENTILATING. Go do some stuff!
3) But don’t text them back RIGHT AWAY either. Give it some time — within reason. Let them believe you have so many texts from other fabulous and super hot and A list people that you just haven’t had the time to get back to their message yet. Again, within reason.
4) Turn off your “read receipts” !! Otherwise you are begging to get bombed by desperate texts like “??????????” and “I know you got my message ARE U ALIVE.”
5) Also? Don’t ask “ARE U ALIVE?” Boner kill.
6) Texting is not a game of tag — don’t be afraid to text first even if you sent the last message. Now if you’ve sent the last twenty seven messages, you might want to seek psychological help.
7) Text something kinky and flirtatious — you animal you — but chalk it up to auto correct. “How’s your dick?” Then: “omg DAY!! How’s your D-A-Y!!” The, um, ball is in his court.
8) CALM DOWN WITH THE EMOTICONS.
9) Don’t text him all the time, 24 hours a day. Because then you won’t have much to talk about when you go on your next date.
10) But do keep the texts flowing. Don’t be one of those people who sends one word messages like “lol” or “hehe” when you know you don’t want to talk to this person. Texting isn’t a game of tag but it is exactly like a game of volleyball. In tag you are chasing somebody down trying to tackle them or tickle them or do other stuff to them against their will. Volleyball requires teamwork — everybody has to do their part to keep the ball in the air.
11) Know that “lol” is not as meaningful as “lolololol” or “LOL!!”
12) If you don’t hear from them for more than a week just let it go. Don’t get mad, don’t feel sad, don’t send angry messages, don’t threaten their life. Besides, they allllllllllllllllllways come back.
13) Don’t be afraid to be the first person to text after the end of your first date. But wait a couple hours. It’s that whole not seeming TOO desperate thing.
14) No novels, please. I know these are trying times the world is in right now, and you will feel the need to express your philosophical meanderings on Benghazi or Rihanna VS Ke$ha or what funny thing your friend said today, but don’t send multiple long-ass messages.
15) Don’t break up, fight or argue via text.
16) cAn eVeRYbODy PLeAsE sToPP TeXtInG Like ThiS?
17) Text them funny pictures of stuff that makes you think of them.
18) If you both have a favorite TV show, talking about that in your texts — even while the show is on. Don’t always make the texts about them. Talk about stuff that interests you both.
19) WARNING: go easy on the sexting pictures!! Especially if you’re not official and you’re not in a relationship. I know you are going to send them. But just know that you don’t know where those things will end up, especially if your textationship goes dowwnnn hillll. I guarantee your “T” or “D” pics are being seen by dozens.