I Don’t Understand Why White People Love Flip Flops So Much

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White people love them some flip flops. Well, all of you except Liz Lemon. Flip flops are okay in an appropriate flip flopping context I guess, but I’m talking about you year round, all-season, any occasion, all-weather-no-matter-what flip flop wearing white people. You know who you are, and if you’re not one of them then you know exactly who I’m talking about. Every time I’m in a place and it’s cold or snowing or fancy or the weather is ridiculous or whatever, like clockwork there goes some bro in a pair of flip flops.

WHY.

Yesterday in Virginia it was a sweltering 50 degrees. Nice and sunny — perfect weather for a light jacket or a nice cardigan. I was sitting in my cafe, chilling, and there goes this white guy who is basically wearing a suit…and a pair of flip flops. Like that was his outfit. Not to be overly judgmental or whatever but…I can’t with this right now. But that’s the downside of Spring and the coming of longer, warmer, brighter days: all those people who can’t wait to put their flip flops on as soon as the temperature cracks 50 degrees.

Can we wait until it’s at least 75 out? Jesus.

When I lived in France I dated this Parisian guy who worked for a super high-end fashion boutique and one day he gave me a pair of flip flops from the house. Record scratch. I was excited because I’m not ungrateful and who doesn’t like a cute gift. Plus they were from this big label and they came in a pretty package and whatnot. So, cool. But I’ve never worn them anywhere in life. Ever.

Hey, you like what you like. Knock yourselves out. I just don’t get the all-weather, all-season allure of flip flops. It’s cold out, put some socks on! Plus they don’t make anybody look fabulous or sexy. Nobody, even people with foot fetishes, ever says, “Damn that girl at the bar — look at her feet! So hottt. Let me roll over and get her digits.” When I was in college I remember guys used to wear their shower shoes out into society, the ones with the spongy stuff on the bottom and the velcro over-the-toe enclosure. NO. I understand wearing them around the dorm or in the shower because you don’t feel like sliding on somebody’s spooge today, but we have to draw the line somewhere.

After a day of running around the city in a pair of flip flops the bottoms of your feet look fucking gross. Do you really want to be exposed to the elements that way? I know you’ve been sitting in a cafe somewhere and some flip flop wearer flashes those blackened, dirty dogs at you and just…ew. Plus people wear them waaaaayy beyond their expiration date, they’re dangerous, and offer no support to your foot. Let’s not forget that awful clapping sound flip flops make when you walk — SLOP SLOP SLOP — amplified and made worse when there are a group of flip flop wearers all walking together, all clapping at the same time. A symphony of feet.

There are tons of more tasteful, warm-weather appropriate shoes you can wear: hard-bottomed sandals, boat shoes with no socks, open-toed things, even those feet shoes (omg). But it’s all about context. Flip flops running to the laundromat? On the beach? At the pool? All cool, although I will be wearing stilettos with my bathing suit, so. But flip flops on the dance floor? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been dancing and stepped on somebody’s flip flop wearing foot, accidentally I swear, and they got mad at me. Well then you shouldn’t be wearing flip flops on the dance floor, son! TC mark

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