This Is What Happens When You Text A Dick Pic

Ah, the peen pic. The love letter of the 21st century. A man’s piece is his secret pride and joy, although I guess things aren’t so secret anymore with Snapchat, camera phones, iPads, Vine and all that stuff. It used to be that you’d go on a date with someone awesome and you’d imagine what he looked like naked. Maybe you’d try to size up his hands and feet and guestimate how much he was packing. You’d go in for a kiss and try to feel his body — or maybe you’d feel him rise during a makeout sesh and would be happy with what you found when you lightly brushed the imprint of his rocket through those jeans.

I was having French fries and Chardonnay with my best girlfriend at a bar in Soho and she was telling me about her new love interest. He’s so amazing, he really makes me feel wanted she says. You don’t just tell your best friend that someone you’re dating makes you feel awesome and expect to not be asked about the sex.

I’m like, Girl, is he good in bed? and she’s all, It’s kind of great. Let me show you his dick.

Yesssssss. Just like that. Right in the middle of this dimly lit bar. She’s going to show me that piece. The bartender gives us another round of Chardonnay because shit is about to get good. My friend pulls out her iPhone.

Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling.

Tells me he sent it before they ever even had sex. He was out of town and he sent it as a subtle reminder — or a preparedness warning, really — of what was to come. She’s like, here it is. Pulls it out, using one hand to cup the top of the phone so the bartender doesn’t see it, I guess. I’m pretty sure this exact situation has happened in front of him like 10,000 times already.

Jesus that’s a big dick! I’m thinking. I wasn’t so sure what I was expecting to see, maybe a cute little thing with a tiny hat on it. My friend is hot and she deserves to have the biggest dicks if she wants them, but even I was impressed by this thing. It was long and thick and seemed to take up the entire iPhone screen.

Whoaaaaa!!! Get it girl, get it!!! I give her a high 5. She’s like, he really knows what to do with it.

All of a sudden our conversation about relationships, boys and why they suck turned into, well, a conversation about sex and her new boyfriend and his huge piece. I leave the bar involuntarily thinking about his huge piece. I mean, it had to be huge, right? If you’re texting a dick pic, it has to be a nice dick. Is anybody sending people photos of questionable microdicks? I’m thinking it will be really funny when meet this guy because I’d shake his hand and be like, Hello! I’ve already seen your penis — congratulations on that!

When you send someone a dick pic, or any XXX pic, just be aware that a lot of people in that person’s BFF circle are going to see it. Either on purpose, like my friend showed me, or on accident, like when you’re scrolling through 1,000 images of cupcakes and cats doing stupid stuff and a XXX pic pops up. Oops. I don’t think we should be embarrassed to have XXX pics on our phones — of ourselves, of our boyfriends, girlfriends or whoever else we’re getting it in with. Everybody has them. In the male homoerotic instant-sex industrial complex, some guys won’t even consider hooking up until you produce a peen pic.

But does the dick pic take away some of the mystery, the allure, the surprise? Or does it make the forthcoming sex that much more exciting?