You’re Not Straight. You’re Not Gay. You’re Not Bisexual Either.

A psychiatrist at New York University who studies human sexuality has devised an incredibly specific test to get to the bottom of how gay/straight/bi/queer everybody really is! It’s called the Flextuality test, and in a little under 15 minutes you can finally pinpoint your real sexual orientation once and for all.

Take the test and you’ll see that there’s basically a range of twelve sexual types, starting with the “heteroflexibles” and the “supersexuals” ending with the last, very vanilla label of “straight.”

Here’s a brief breakdown:

Heteroflexible: You are open to fooling around with someone of the same sex, even though you generally consider yourself straight. Also known as bi-curious, questioning, experimenting, or mostly straight.

AKA: Posts ads on Craigslist when his girlfriend goes out of town “Looking for no recip BJ/GF out of town.” Type this into a Craigslist search window and see for yourselves!

Supersexual: You have a strong drive and are interested in finding new ways to express yourself sexually. You probably prefer the opposite sex, but gender is less important than opportunity.

AKA: Will eff the eff out of anything that moves.

Macho: Only applies to men. You are willing to have sex with other men, so long as you are the active or insertive partner. Your partner may be gay, but you consider yourself straight or a “top.”

AKA: Daddies and pedophiles.

Straight: You lack sexual and romantic feelings for members of the same sex, and any same-sex experiences have confirmed your lack of interest. Also known as heterosexual.

AKA: You’re boring and live in Connectiut but potentially have other explosive vices.

The neat thing about the test is that you can see other people’s scores, which turns it into a really fun game for the whole family. Also: basically anybody who started the exam swearing they were “heterosexual” ended up “heteroflexible,” which kind of confirms that heterosexuality is a social construct – read your Judith Butler, people.

I took the test thinking my result would be the really hip sounding queer, which basically means that you’re so over the divide between gay and straight, male and female, that you revel in your post-everything-ness. You’re homoflexible. But it looks like I’m actually ambisexual, guys! How alien does that sound? Ambisexual. It means that I’m attracted to everybody in more or less the same way and to more or less the same degree. But I don’t know about that, especially since vaginas kind of freak me out, so.

Despite the being into dudes thing, though, I’d like to think that I’d get with a very specific kind of girl if the opportunity ever popped up. I did have a major crush on this hipster chick who worked at the cafe I used to go to at university. She was rad. I just like beautiful people, in all their forms.

Which brings me to the fact that I’ve had a lot of experiences with straight guys. I mean, with going to boarding school and everything plus living in the dorms during college, somebody is bound to be somebody’s J/O  or BJ buddy. My most memorable experience with a straight was with this really hot crew dude. You would never suspect this bro of getting down with dudes, which is why it was so fun! But whenever I came over, he was like…try not to look so gay. Can’t have any obviously gay dudes coming in and out of my dorm.

Thing is, of all the straights I have ever enjoyed, there is no doubt in my mind that these guys are actually attracted to women, have girlfriends, that they want to procreate and have a family and that whole song and dance. People always say: “Yeah, well if he has any sexual contact wth a guy, or if she has any sexual contact with a girl, then neither of them is straight.” But see that’s a double standard, right? Because girls who sleep with girls are like totally rad and fun and hip. But a dude who does it is necessarily gay? Pleaase.

One str8 guy told me that he likes fooling with guys because for him, it’s mostly carnal and you can just get in and get on with it. I admire people who are so liberated. People have been expressing themselves this way sexually for thousands of years, and I think history knows better than we do.

Case in point: in an explosive interview with NOW magazine, Tom Hardy, the very sexy and very toppy star of Inception, was asked if he’d ever had gay sex.

Of course I have. I’m an actor for f*ck’s sake. I’ve played with everything and everyone. I love the form and the physicality, but now that I’m in my thirties, it doesn’t do it for me. I’m done experimenting but there’s plenty of stuff in a relationship with another man, especially gay men, that I need in my life.

See how comfortable he is with his sexuality? So hey, everybody, take your Flexuality test today! Who knows, maybe you really will end up in the vanilla pile. Mostly, though, tests like these prove that human sexuality is a continuum rather than a definite straight or gay, even for the gayest and straightest of people. Everybody has had a same sex experience. Everybody has had an opposite sex experience. Neither makes you gay or straight, it just means you’re hip and want to get laid. Sexuality is a stream that flows in the direction of the nearest orgasm.