What A Girl Wants You To Think (In Case You Were Wondering About The Infrastructure Of The Female Mind)
A girl wants what she wants when she wants it.
Even if she doesn’t know what she wants.
Or when she wants it.
She wants you to think that she doesn’t want a relationship. She is independent enough to get along without a man texting her or calling her. It doesn’t matter if she has to sit in her bed stumbling through tumblr for 7 hours, because being with you isn’t as awesome as you think it is. She’ll never tell you she was stumbling through tumblr, because she wants you to think she was at an intimate dinner party with some friends from upstate.
She wants you to think that she doesn’t need to wear makeup to feel pretty. She doesn’t have to blow dry her hair. She was born with perfect locks made of unbreakable silk that isn’t going to shed in various places around your house (or in your shower drain).
She wants you to think that she’s unbearably excited to hang out with your mother, because they have so much in common. Even though she clearly knows that your mother is judging her every breath, and there’s a 20-40 year age gap between them. She wants you (and your mom) to think she loves sewing just as much as Betsy Ross.
She wants you to think her mom doesn’t know that you didn’t call her back the other night; why would she call her mom and tell her about everything you’re doing wrong for 45 minutes? They didn’t call you a douche bag repeatedly, and they definitely didn’t have this exact conversation:
“You deserve better than someone who isn’t calling you back!”
“Yeah, what a douche!”
“Yeah! You seriously are dodging a bullet.”
“I know, I’m not even going to answer when he calls.”
“Good!”
“But… he might just be at the gym, sometimes he stays at the gym for a week straight. He’ll call me after he’s done at the gym.”
“Yeah, he definitely likes you. Don’t worry about a thing.”
She wants you to think that all of her boyfriends were awful, but they were still good to her and she’s still a great catch. That one boyfriend she had in college that was “bipolar” was so terrible to her, so you should definitely feel bad, but they also dated for a hot minute, so you should step up your A-game because he’s still a form of competition for you. She wants you to think that her exes are still texting her on a regular basis because they are perpetually crippled from their break up, but she continues to calmly turn him down.
She wants you to know that she’s smart. She keeps up on the news. She read Atlas Shrugged in 7th grade, and she’ll be a very qualified wife and mother. She didn’t read 50 Shades of Grey. Unless you think reading 50 Shades of Grey is hot, in which case the shower scene was so on point.
She wants you to think she likes football. Sitting there watching a bunch of yolked dudes who are much fitter than you running back and forth looking like ants on a field, jumping furiously on each other for some leather-esque football. Speaking of leather, she just ordered $250 leather pants on her iPhone and that’s why she cheered for the touchdown (but she doesn’t want you to know that).
She wants you to think she’s wonderful with money, and material items aren’t important to her. She would never spend $400 on a pair of shoes if she had the option. She pays all of her bills on time, and her credit score is above 700. She wants you to think that her parents don’t support her, so it wouldn’t be that big of a difference for you financially to enter her life.
She wants you to know that her irrevocable trust doesn’t wonder where you are at 3am, or why you’re liking instagrams but not texting her back. She wants you to know that she was actually reading in bed and was not wasting her time on instagram.
She wants you to know that she loves her body. She doesn’t pull her pants over her baby making fat every time she sits down. She doesn’t look down at her feet in the shower and wonder how she could make her thighs smaller. She orders salad because she’s really not that hungry, and orders burgers when she’s prepared for that moment all week by starving herself. She’s only turning off the lights when you hook up because it makes things more mysterious, just like her thoughts. She wants you to think that she doesn’t compare herself to your ex-girlfriends. She’s a lady, and ladies are confident with themselves, and proud of other women as well.
She wants you to think she’s only told 3 people she loves them. Love is a very special word to her, and she doesn’t just throw it around. Except when she’s on the phone with her girlfriends, in which case it doesn’t matter.
She wants you to think that she doesn’t love you. You don’t fill her daily thoughts, and she doesn’t go through a day imagining what it would be like if you were next to her. She wants you to think that she “accidentally” waited 3 hours to text you back because she was busy.
She wants you to think she’s stable. She doesn’t PMS, because only annoying girls do that. She doesn’t complain on long car rides, because complaining isn’t cute. She isn’t going to smother you, ask invasive questions, get angry about anything, or cry. She wants you to think she’s the only “non-crazy” girl you’ve ever met, because the phrase “she was crazy” really means, “she had feelings.”
Speaking of feelings, she wants you to think that she’s always happy, even when she’s sad.
She wants you to think she doesn’t need you.
Because she wants you to think that you need her.
She wants you to think about her as much as she thinks about what you think of her. 