Not gonna lie, never heard of this movie but it seems to be literally the ONLY semi-budgeted horror movie to ever take place there. Sorry, Idaho.
Illinois was nearly a three-way tie between “Halloween,” “Child’s Play,” and “Candyman” but I had to go with the ultimate classic slasher film. Practice your Jamie Lee Curtis screams and maybe you’ll be the Final Girl/Guy one day!
“Close Encounters Of The Third Kind”
Aliens? No thanks. No thanks.
Oh hello there again Timothy Olyphant, we seem to keep running into each other. What a sexy coincidence. Anyway, Iowa, you’re looking at realistic zombification without death but heavy on the violence. So like, zombies that can think. Sorry, sounds like you’re screwed.
Between this and “In Cold Blood,” sure seems like families in Kansas are getting mass-murdered a lot. (I’m kidding, I’m sure it’s lovely there.)
“Return Of The Living Dead”
Zombies, drugs, and rock n’ roll! Also a lady gets naked in a cemetery. Kentucky knows how to get down.
“The Skeleton Key”
I’m honestly surprised there aren’t more movies set here to cover the creepy subject of voodoo but that’s the way of it so here you go, Kate Hudson in a bayou.
Remember, Maine: sometimes, dead is better.
“Silence Of The Lambs”
I could make all sorts of chianti jokes here but let’s get real: the VHS cover for this movie gives me nightmares as a kid. It’s fantastic.
One of the most underrated horror films of our time, in my opinion. “I live in the weak and the wounded… Doc.”
Be careful who you sleep with, Michigan. Because, well… It follows, I guess.
Uh, the advice for Michigan applies here as well.
Home invasion is one of the most realistic fears, so invest in a good security system and don’t piss off the locals.
See Mississippi. Except, in this case, also invest in some serious survival training.
“Alien Abduction: Incident in Lake County”
Sorry, Montana, this is the best I could do. Your very own alien version of “The Blair Witch Project!” Yay?
“Children Of The Corn”
If you’re over 18 you’re out of luck. But seriously, kids shouldn’t be that hard to kill, right? I mean, not for fun or anything, just if you needed to? Like, if they were being controlled by a corn demon? Okay I’ll stop now.
I’ll let the picture speak for itself. With those things underground, you better hope Kevin Bacon is around to save your ass, Nevada.
“The Dead Zone”
The creeping terror of psychopath Greg Stillson (coughDonaldTrumpcough) being elected as POTUS is probably even scarier than Johnny’s dark premonitions of the future.
“Friday The 13th”
I’d say you could survive by not getting drunk or having sex but hey, this is New Jersey we’re talking about. Also, that’s no fun. So party hard before Jason (or his mom) takes you out.
“The Hills Have Eyes” (2006)
If you’re out in the desert and you spot the people from the Hills I mean, just, I don’t know. I can’t help you, New Mexico. I’m smart enough to know I wouldn’t survive in these cases, I just provide moral support and the occasional joke.
Between the gory murders and the inability to get reservations at Dorsia, NYC is a pretty scary place. How many Patrick Batemans are out there as we speak? Who are we kidding, I’ll still vacay there any time I get the chance because BROADWAY!
“I Know What You Did Last Summer”
What did you do last summer? Was it something bad? You’d better hope it wasn’t, North Carolina, or you’re toast.
Not even a young, fresh Jennifer Aniston can make me summarize this movie for you other than in a few words: silly as fuck.
“A Nightmare On Elm Street”
As much as I’d like to give this spot to “Trick ‘R Treat” I have to acknowledge the true winner: Wes Craven’s masterpiece that started it all. RIP, Mr. Craven.
Go crazy with Ashley Judd or, as is my suggestion, don’t?
Amber Heard brings it in this solid asylum movie that proves John Carpenter can also still bring it.
“The Sixth Sense”
There are probably ghosts everywhere but apparently there are a FUCKTON of ghosts in Pennsylvania, so if you’re clairvoyant, be careful. And definitely don’t go into that weird little room at the top of the stairs.
I should warn you to stay away from obviously haunted houses but I would jump at the chance to own one so instead, why don’t you shoot me an email if you find one, Rhode Island? Let’s be neighbors.
Ew. EW. YUCK. YUUUUUUUUCK. Whatever it is from this movie, please, PLEASE keep it in South Carolina. It’s no offense to South Carolina, I just don’t want it anywhere near me.
Sorry, South Dakota, it was either this or a movie from the ’50s I’d never heard of or “The Revenant.” I mean, the story itself is pretty unnerving (especially since it’s mostly true) but if that doesn’t do it for you just pretend Sissy Spacek is Carrie.