I suck at saying goodbyes.
If I have a choice, I would rather not do it.
In the perfect world, I would wake up one fine day and have you magically removed from my life. I would marvel over how I couldn’t find a single trace of you as though you never exist. With all your pictures deleted, I would struggle to remember your features that haunt me even in my dream, your eyes that seem to pierce deeply into my soul, and your smile that I loved so much. I would have a hole in my memory where all my happiest times with you used to be. I would have a faint idea that it was good while it lasted and we wished each other nothing but the best. I would hold none of the bitterness and resentment inside me and truly let you go.
That would ensure that I wouldn’t have to grieve for all the times lost. I wouldn’t have to be a shadow of my previous self and feeling the heavy burden on my shoulder. I wouldn’t have to wake up every morning and feeling a pang of loss in my stomach realizing we had ended.
I wouldn’t have to be an unwilling participant across all your social media seeing how effortlessly you have moved on to a new relationship and feeling white blinding rage consumed me at how much time I had wasted on you. I wouldn’t have to feel like a fool for thinking you cared and stuck around longer than I should have. I gave you so many chances hoping to make it work and you took me for granted. I wasted so much of my youth and effort pouring all my love into someone who couldn’t even give me the decent respect that I deserve.
But I know that I will be okay.
Looking back, I have come from a long way. In the past, I was blinded by my fear of being single and stating anew to pluck up my courage and leave you. I tried to save a love that was past saving because the alternative of being by myself was more frightening. I accepted less than what I deserved because I believed that I was unlovable.
I’m so glad that I parted from you. I’m so relieved I managed to walk out that dark part of my life.
In fact, this experience only makes me grow as an individual. I learn how to be truly alone and I enjoy it more than I thought I would. You didn’t ruin love for me. My capacity to love only grows deeper and I’m filled with such fierce love for myself now.
I am encouraged to chase after the forgotten dreams that I never dared when I was with you. I learn to build myself up from the rock bottom realizing how I do not need you. My world expands as I spend time doing what I love and filling it with serenity, gratitude, and peace. I now know how toxic our relationship was and I would never compromise my standard for my next one.
I’m not sorry for leaving you. I only wished that I had done it sooner.