This Is When I Knew I Had To Leave You

I knew I had to leave you when you no longer made me happy.

I used to look at you while we were curled up together, with you reading your book and with me staring at your face from your sharp jaw to your concentrated expression, your eyes shimmering with intelligence and dangerous passion. It sounded so exaggerated but my heart would burst with exhilaration every time you smiled at me. I was obsessed with you and was over the moon when you returned my affection.

That was a long time ago. I didn’t know when it started but now when I am with you, my heart didn’t sing in joy. I felt the butterflies in my stomach stopped flying and you were the one who cut off their wings mercilessly as you did with mine. When I was you, I started to wonder what freedom tasted like. What it felt like to do whatever I wanted without someone standing in my way. What it felt like to believe in my own voice without someone attempting to silence me. What it felt like to be myself again.

I knew I had to leave you when I couldn’t picture a future with you.

I seemed to be living on borrowed time with you when you couldn’t give me the security I craved. But still, I trusted you when you said you would fight for me. I was grateful to meet you at the lowest point of my life and I felt as though you were the only one willing to give me a chance when all I faced was rejection.

Now your promises of the future feel like mockery to me, as what you said differs from how you behave. You said you cared for me and you loved me but ironically, I couldn’t feel any of it. All I could feel was the bitterness of my tears as I cried myself to sleep over you. All I felt was your suffocating presence empowering me as you tried to bend me to your will. All I felt was inconsolable disappointment that you would never change and I hate myself to think you would ever be different.

I knew I have to leave you when I didn’t love you anymore.

Above all the confusing and messy emotions I have for you, there is a tiny flare of hope that yearns for a different life and most importantly, an escape from you.

I want to leave you. I want to discover the person I am without being chained to your side. I want to follow my heart and right now, it’s telling me to walk away and chase after what I truly desire. I want to dive outside my comfort zone and take a chance seeing what life has to offer. I want to live and be fully present every single moment instead of being an empty shell that lives for the sake of it. I want to be courageous and accept the truth that this wasn’t working and it hadn’t been for a long time.

I want to be happy and grow to be the best version of myself and I knew I couldn’t do it if I were with you.

So this is goodbye. I could taste the uninhibited freedom in my throat, feel the lightness of my footsteps and the smile on my lips as my new beginning beckons to me.