Please Don’t Be Another Goodbye

Goodbye used to be a foreign word to me.

In the sheltered warm love he gave me, I could not comprehend or think I ever need to understand the concept of it. Then he left me and in one day, my sheltered protective life was gone forever.

Now goodbyes have become my norm. The boys that attracted me seem to be temporary and the love they promised were fleeing. I will not admit it but their predictability thrills me and I seek them out because boys like them reminded me of him. Who shook me to my core and leave me in pieces. And since I cannot have him, they will do as well.

I am addicted to the process of being proven right yet again. That someone like me does not deserve any bit of happiness. That no one will loves me. There is a sadistic satisfaction in removing every traces of someone and starting anew.

As through a clean slate is possible when he was all I think of. As if the broken irreversible pieces of my heart can be pierced back.

I am accustomed to the quiet pain that haunts me constantly and threatens to ruin everything I hold dear. Everything is the same. The sun is still shining. The earth is still spinning. I am still breathing. But he is gone and I feel like I have fallen into the deepest ocean struggling to breath. I feel like someone- namely him has tore my heart from my chest and crushed it under his heel mercilessly leaving me in tears and total shock.

I am fixated to leaving before I am left.

My face falls when my bright smile and chirpy voice are returned with cold indifference. My heart clenches painfully when I wait the whole day for him to reply me. His disinterest and lack of concern tear me apart. So I harden my resolve and find cold comfort to leave first before the inevitable ending of him leaving me.

Goodbyes have become my norm until I met you. Now I am treading on dangerous territory. For the first time since I can remember, I catch a glimpse of love. And as terrified as I am, I never want to say goodbye to you. All I can think of is how much I want you to stay.

All I want is for you to be my normal.