For a long time, I was a product of my parents, choosing relationships that didn’t meet my needs solely because that is what I was exposed to. When I finally started to do some serious self-work, a lot of light was shown on how I could fundamentally change how my relationships looked. From this point on, my standards developed simultaneously with the love for myself.

Here are 30 things I have learned in the last three years from being in a healthy relationship:

1. You have to speak your needs in order for them to be bet.

2. A good partner will never shame your feelings.

3. A good partner will never intentionally hurt your feelings.

4. A healthy relationship is made up of two healthy people.

5. Just because you are loved by someone else doesn’t mean you should stop caring for / loving yourself.

6. Good communication has more to do with listening than it does speaking.

7. The person you are supposed to be with will give you their endless effort at all times.

8. You have to know your own needs in order for someone else to meet/know them.

9. A good partner is aware of their own disfigurement and trauma and actively works to heal themselves rather than put their shit on you.

10. People don’t give up because it gets hard.

11. Healthy people know when they have exhausted all efforts and know that sometimes letting go is the best option.

12. Your close friends and family have good insight on what’s best for you and you should listen without being defensive.

13. If you see consistent behavior patterns, it is likely that those will never change.

14. People who never take personal responsibility and cannot admit when they are wrong will never be who you need them to be.

15. Good partners do not shame you for having your own life, friends, and desires. In fact, they will support you to no end.

16. Good partners are not insecure or threatened by you or your life. Like the great Beyoncé says, “Nothing real can be threatened.”

17. Your significant other should make an effort to have a relationship with your parents, siblings, and friends.

18. Knowing your loved one’s love language is extremely important.

19. You are responsible for having boundaries and following through when people don’t respect them.

20. Hard times are not a reason (nor a good one) for someone to treat you poorly.

21. Honesty is of utmost importance.

22. You do not owe anyone anything.

23. You need space to exist with yourself and your person should always encourage you to evolve how you are meant to evolve, no matter what.

24. It’s okay to say no.

25. Addiction and serious mental health problems of your partner are not your burdens and drama to carry.

26. How they speak to their friends, especially their mom, is how they will engage with you also.

27. You are not responsible for someone else’s life, health, or happiness.

28. Knowing someone’s family history before procreating is seriously so important.

29. Do not ever date anyone with a temper, their inability to regulate their emotion is something that will never subside.

30. Conflict should result in a more graceful, loving, intimate relationship rather than a belittling, stressful, and hard one.