How Nice Guys Can Use The Sympathy Method to Get a Girl

Every relationship I have ever had has begun as a massive guilt trip; they bloom from me hanging with a dude purely out of sympathy and then they grow into me slowly becoming more and more attached to the person. I know that admitting to hanging with dudes out of sympathy makes me sound like a horrible person but the truth is I really struggle with confrontation or plainly ignoring someone, and I feel too bad turning down a guy’s actions of unrequited love so I nonchalantly give in. When I first start hanging with the guy, I find myself comparing him to every other guy that I think is cooler and whom I should be with, but give it a couple of weeks and I guarantee you the tables will have turned. The annoying things I hate about the person develop into the cute things I love about the person, and before I know it I lose all feeling of control, and I keep running back for more.  What follows is an example of a perfect execution of what I will call the sympathy method to getting a girl. It is particularly useful for nice guys who are really well intentioned but unfortunately lack the attitude and confidence to get the desired girl.

I started hanging with this one guy, who for confidentially reasons I will name something ridiculous like Jack Fields. Jack was pretty persistent to see me a lot so I went along with it. He was a little bit immature and very socially awkward, but he was really nice and for unknown reasons he was able to keep me slightly interested so I decided I’d let him stick around for a while, in the hope that maybe it would just fade into nothing. Then one day he was walking me to where I needed to be, and this homeless guy on the street called out ‘how did the ugly guy get the hot girl?’ Way to go to make things even more awkward, homeless guy. As if that wasn’t bad enough, three minutes later he went to give me a kiss goodbye and whilst doing so accidentally bumped into a woman with a pram and the woman’s baby almost fell out of said pram (which is actually hilarious in hindsight) and then said woman gave Jack the absolute stare of death.  After these two occurrences so close to each other I felt so insanely sorry for Jack, I mean it was actually heartbreaking. From that moment I made a resolve to be extra nice to him because I felt like he needed a confidence boost.

A few days passed that I hadn’t seen Jack, and then I went out with some girlfriends and had an epiphany of sorts. I met an incredibly good-looking guy, who ticked all of the right boxes aesthetically, but then I started speaking to him and he turned out to be a huge jerk. In that moment I was overwhelmed by feelings of affection for Jack, who was not a jerk at all. I suddenly appreciated that he was different from most guys I go for and that unlike the guys I usually go for, I didn’t feel this constant need to impress him or to continuously hold on to what thought would keep him by my side. I thought about how sweet his little smile is and worst of all, I realized that I missed him.

This has now happened to me repeatedly. The last guy I was with had this huge beard, when I first met him I thought it was so ugly that I just could not take him seriously as a boyfriend candidate. However using the sympathy method outlined above he soon enough won me over; to the extent that by the end of our relationship I kept telling him the beard was hot and that I thought he should definitely keep growing it. This was a lie but I thought it would prevent other girls from hitting on him. I mean, that’s how whipped I had become. Anyway, the fact that this has happened to me several times has led to me believe that maybe there is no such thing as love at first sight, and that instead, it is possible to fall for people you usually wouldn’t give the time of day to. Ignore the superficialities and open your mind, you will be surprised at how much you have to learn from the people you least expect to.TC mark


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  • dip

    Recipe for a healthy relationship right there, I tell you what


    I'm Jack Fields. You used my real name, but we each used each other in the relationship.

    • xtos

      fuck i thought you had stopped writing these comments

  • eric

    people are so fucked

  • Jordan

    Interesting… Anyway it seems like this is less of the “…perfect execution of the sympathy method to getting a girl” than it is insight into your own patterns/mentality on (these) relationships. Are the guys here really doing anything other than being themselves, and into you? It doesn't seem like they're playing much of a game here. And fyi this is not meant to be trolling/confrontational :).

    I do really like the note you left on too!

  • Julene

    You need therapy, girl.


      That's why she came to us.

      • Julene

        Based on certain comments of yours on other TC posts, I don't think you're qualified.


        My philosophy doctorate from the University of Phoenix would imply otherwise.

      • Tanya Donascimento

        bahahahahhaha University of Phoenix, that's hilarious

      • Julene

        I'm thinking you're joking, because there's no way anyone would look at that comment and take it seriously. (I hope. I mean, this is the internet…)

    • Boss

      I feel like you very very wrong about that. She does not need therapy.

      • truth

        I feel like you're telling her she's wrong because you're one of those guys who lacks confidence and your only hope is women like the author of this post.

      • Julene


      • Julene

        I could argue my point, but it's unnecessary given that I'm right on point. (And who's to say this piece isn't at least partially fiction? In which case, the “she” in question would be merely a character presented for our reading pleasure.)

  • Guest

    As long as you're SURE it's unintentional, idk, I feel like being passiveaggressive is getting more hip, usually it's NOT that well intentioned, even if though the guy may have that selfimage. Being your akward self is one thing, manipulating someone through non direct ways like guilt is just controlling

  • aaa

    Happening to me right now, still in the FB chatting stages but I know where it's going.

  • Boss

    You're the only girl in this whole world that thinks like that. Good for you.

  • natural

    Yikes. This is precisely why men should never take advice from other women on how to get women.

  • 27sandgranola

    This works better when the nice guy gives you a shoulder to lean on after you have a nasty break up with a hot jerk.

  • Tanya Donascimento

    Yeah but being nice to get something in return isn't nice it's manipulative and I think there are guys out there who act nice to hurt you just as much as hot jerks do.

    • partysohardy

      Most nice guys aren't consciously trying to “manipulate” women. They're trying to be nice, sweet, giving, and kind — just like what they always thought women wanted.

  • Vajorie

    > “Ignore the superficialities and open your mind, you will be surprised at how much you have to learn from the people you least expect to.”

    If that's how you're gonna “open your mind”, please don't. Very few people would contend to know that they were loved out of pity… That or the author could not successfully convey the complexity of her emotional attachment to the men she was talking about.

  • Rachel Butters Scotch

    Your closing paragraph is kind of both hilarious and haphazard.

  • MOO

    To me it sounds like the guys you have been dating have been nice, open and honest, whereas you appear to be some sort of Harpy.

  • Rudd-O

    > ‘how did the ugly guy get the hot girl?’

    The right answer to that is: “I don't see you with any hot chick, dude. Maybe you should reevaluate your reality?”

  • Greg Petliski

    “I met an incredibly good-looking guy, who ticked all of the right boxes aesthetically, but then I started speaking to him and he turned out to be a huge jerk. In that moment I was overwhelmed by feelings of affection for Jack, who was not a jerk at all.”

    That never happened. Never.

  • Rosemary McClure

    Dude, I get it. My first serious boyfriend was this guy who I wasn't really into at all because he was unattractive and awkward but, I dunno, he was older and artsy and had a blog and played the guitar and stuff. He asked me out over and over until I was finally, like, ok, maybe I'm being shallow and should just give this guy a chance, what if this thing ends up being awesome? So we dated for six months, until I finally realized that I never had been into him and never was going to be, EVEN THOUGH I TRIEDDD, I really did, and nothing was really wrong with him, but I just wasn't into him. But every time during the relationship where I was like “god, I'm not even into this guy, should we break up?” he would cry or write about it on his blog or something, and I'd be like damn, I'm such a prick, this is the sensitive guy every girl wants! and I'd convince myself not to do it. It was a confusing time…

  • Steven Timberman

    This piece made me laugh because I recently gave in and, under the guise of research for a novel, started reading up on Neil Strauss and the Pick Up Community. And while some of it is absurd, I've taken a lot of the experience to heart and have become much more confident, brash, and relaxed with women.

    So I talked to a friend of mine who, with a three year relationship under her belt, has always been a good source of information in the past. Anyway, I tell her that the whole reason I started to look into confidence building and what not was because the one girl I actually DO LIKE is a good friend and only sees me as such. And so she advises me to “tell her how I feel”. And it was in that moment that I realized – this is not a girl who should be giving me advice.

    No man has ever gotten laid (at least on a first date) with an impassioned movie style speech about how he LOVES YOU SO MUCH. On television it's wondrous. But in real life it's a pathetic plea at best, downright creepy at worst.

    Maybe all the confident outgoing guys you've met have actually been jerks. But there's a very odd tone in this piece – as if the author is saying “LOOK AT HOW AWESOME I AM! I DATE THE NICE GUYS!” I self-aggrandize a lot, maybe that's why I can spot it so much in this article.

  • LC

    So The Big Bang Theory is based on your life ?

  • Len Yeh

    Love at first sight exists. Just sayin’.

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