I turn 25 in a month and three days. A MONTH AND THREE DAYS! 25 seems so legit. So significant. So scary but also kind of comforting? A birthday is always a nice starting point to be someone else. To start fresh. But it’s also a scary reminder that life is SHORT and before you know it, you’ll be 90 and living in a nursing home with hopefully a dog.
25 seemed so grown up to me when I was 17. It seemed still, so foreign to me when I was 20. And now, a month shy from 25, it’s honestly hard to believe.
25 to me, used to mean ‘finally becoming a grown up’. It used to mean having all my shit together. Like maybe having furniture that was actually brand new. Like maybe shopping at Macys instead of Forever 21. Or maybe actually being in a healthy relationship that was longterm instead of crushing on random bartenders. And having a puppy to call my own.
None of that has happened yet.
But the thing is, I feel perfectly fine with my life right now. Sure, I don’t have the fancy things I thought I would have by now. Sure, I don’t have a wonderful boyfriend. Sure, I don’t have a cute fluffy puppy of my own. And I don’t even have a car. But I’ve still come far. I’ve still grown into a better person than I was a year ago. I’m still learning and breathing and surviving. I’m still learning how to thrive.
I’ve made lots of mistakes. LOTS of mistakes. I’ve pissed people off. I’ve said the wrong things. I’ve loved the wrong people. I’ve hated the right people. I’ve experienced loss and loss again. I’ve been lazy and unmotivated. I’ve been numb, and I’ve also felt everything. I’ve been bright and sparkly, but I’ve also been dull.
I’m always changing. Always evolving into a person I want to be proud of. And I’m still learning how to love myself.
Sure, I don’t have all of my boxes checked off and maybe I don’t have everything I need or want yet. But maybe I don’t really need those things after all.
I’m just thankful.
Because I’m almost 25, and I still feel like a kid. I don’t need the material things I thought I would want. I don’t need the boyfriend or the house. I don’t need even stability. I just need to keep experiencing everything. The good and the bad. The bright and the gloomy.
I just need to keep going.
And maybe, just maybe, one day, I’ll wake up and smile because I’m not where I thought I would be. Maybe I’ll just be happy to just be.